Van Wilder Page #8

Pencils down.

- Thank you.

- For four years...

I have been grooming myself

for the real world.

I, like many, define the real world

as stuff that happens after graduation.

But I was wrong. It took a man by

the name of Van Wilder to teach me that.

You've all undoubtedly

been to one of Van's parties.

He's probably touched your life

in some way, whether you know it or not.

Watch Van do belly flops

into a pool...

but make sure you see he's raised $5,000

to give the swim team a next season.

As you're all aware,

Van was almost expelled.

What you probably

don't know is that he was set up...

by a pathetic, egomaniacal frat boy...

one who this reporter knows firsthand

to have a serious problem...

with premature ejaculation.

And in reaction

to this lynching...

Van put in more effort in six days

than most have all semester.

Win or lose, we should thank him for

reminding us what we're all capable of.

That's simply what he does--

he inspires the uninspired.

Van. Hurry. The night of fun

and fornication's upon us.

Hey, have you heard from Gwen?

No, she--

she hasn't yet called back.

Right.

I'll be down in a minute, okay?

- Okay.

- See ya, V.

Jesus.

This is some pad you got here.

Decorated in early f***.

Well, I made it a point

to personally come down here, Wilder.

I wanted to give you the results

of your test firsthand.

And just as I expected...

you succeeded.

- Ninety-one percent.

- What?

I'm proud of you, Wilder.

I've been waiting all these years

for you to realize your potential.

That's why you and I

had friction?

I thought it was 'cause I fooled around

with your daughter freshman year.

Why? What-- You fooled around

with my daughter?

What?

Hey, I know you.

- Thank you very much.

- You're the best, Van.

Hey, I couldn't have did it

without you. Appreciate it.

I need you to fill this up with ice.

Pack as much as you can inside.

- Okay? Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

My name is

Orissa Punjab Nizamabad.

I've just transferred here

from Banglapur.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me...

where I might find

the raddest f***ing dude alive?

Yeah, by the pool, Gramps.

Hey, I know you, man!

Oh, f***.

Congratulations, Van.

I knew you had it in you.

Dad! I can't believe

you're here.

I can't believe you graduated.

A friend of yours...

sent me this.

I'm proud of you, Van,

graduation or no graduation.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry that I spent...

such a buttload

of your money for so long.

It's by far the best investment

I ever made.

- You did good.

- Let's get this man "leid."

Meet my new girl.

You look so--

Wow.

- Wow.

- I was hoping you'd say that.

- May I?

- As long as we cuddle afterwards.

There's so much

that I need to say-- the article--

I was scared

that you wouldn't come.

Well, I was trying to decide

what panties I should wear.

Which ones did you choose?

None.

It's gonna be a bachelor party.

One last night of debauchery

with the fellas.

You can't even--

I mean, this girl is--

- I was wondering--

- I'll do it.

I'm getting my sh*t together.

Just one second.

I can't do this!

Oh, man. My mama never told me

I'd be doing this.

I want to chew the--

And then--

I don't know how.

Kids, this is what white jockey

blowin' hookers will do to you.

^ xSilver ^

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