Victoria & Abdul Page #6

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of the shitty British Empire.

Making fools of all of you,

because he is a servant.

An Indian Muslim servant,

and you are all

quaking in your boots

because he's beating you

at your own game.

No one is quaking

in their boots.

We are the most

powerful nation on Earth.

At the height

of our influence.

In that case,

the only way is down.

So stick your

stupid British Empire

up your stinky royal bottom hole,

Mr. Bertie Prince, sir.

I hope he makes the whole damn

thing come tumbling down.

(MUFFLED COUGH)

I will see to it

that you die here.

He didn't say anything.

What do you mean,

"He didn't say anything"?

We did our best with him,

but he spoke

most intemperately.

The man is an

absolute sh*t.

Dr. Reid.

I'm not a fool.

I know there is some

skullduggery afoot.

Something's going on here, and

I'm not going to stand for it.

Dr. Reid,

I asked you to

get to the bottom

of Mrs. Karim's

fertility issues.

It seems that

nothing has been done.

Well, actually,

Your Majesty,

it was impossible to make

a conclusive judgment

for religious reasons.

Did you examine the Munshi?

No, Your Majesty.

Well, examine the Munshi.

Bertie.

I did not do seven years

at Edinburgh University

to look at Indian d*cks!

Trousers.

Eureka!

He is riddled with the clap!

(SNICKERS)

Well, well.

Mother, we have

to see you.

Alone.

I'm in the middle

of my Urdu lesson.

Mother, we come with very important

news of a highly personal matter.

I've nothing to

hide from Abdul.

Please, Your Majesty.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Your Majesty...

I'm afraid our news

concerns the Munshi.

We have proof beyond any doubt

that Abdul Karim

is a low-born impostor,

Your Majesty.

The Munshi is from a noble family

and a long line of teachers.

No, I'm afraid he was a mere

clerk in a common jail.

My own son has sent word from

India and has actually spoken

to his immediate superior.

His family are

completely uneducated.

His father is

a lowly apothecary.

BERTIE:
The Munshi never even

went to school, Mother.

The man's a complete fraud.

And here he is,

overlooking the boxes.

SIR HENRY:
I'm afraid it's true,

Your Majesty.

Abdul and his father

are completely common.

We have prepared a dossier.

You despicable toads!

Racialists!

Spying? Dossier?

Picking on a poor

defenseless Indian?

Of course he doesn't

have qualifications.

They do things completely

differently out there.

Don't you see, Mama?

He's using his position

for his own gain.

And how does that make him

any different from any of you?

How dare you

look down on Abdul?

How dare you defame

his poor father?

Bertie, I'm ashamed

that you're part of all this.

Abdul is a loyal, wise,

sympathetic human being,

who has raised himself

on his own merits.

Bring Abdul in here.

Bring him in!

Now, I want you

to repeat after me,

"I will be courteous

to the Munshi."

I will be courteous

to the Munshi.

You.

I will be courteous

to the Munshi.

Bertie. All of you.

"I will be courteous

to the Munshi."

ALL:
I will be courteous

to the Munshi.

It has become apparent

that in order to get any

respect from the Household,

one needs to be

formally recognized.

In which case, Abdul.

I intend to give you a knighthood

in the next honors list.

Enough! This is absurd!

We cannot protect you

from this any further.

The man is riddled

with gonorrhea!

Gonorrhea?

SIR HENRY:

Yes. Your Majesty.

Well, you are a doctor.

Why don't you treat him?

Now get out of my sight,

all of you!

Listen, you pox-ridden

Indian sh*t!

Why don't you bloody well leave her alone?

Dr. Reid! Dr. Reid!

Be courteous!

(GRUNTS)

(COUGHING)

Knighted?

Surely there is

some law against it.

The man's a common Indian,

for God's sakes.

Well, she can't

just do what she likes.

That's right.

We are the ones who

make this palace work,

and we are being ignored

and exploited.

Yes.

We have to stand up

to this wanton bullying.

But she's the Queen.

She's our sovereign.

Her position is based entirely on the

implicit contract she makes with us.

If she does not drop

this preposterous insult,

we should all leave!

Yes.

Somebody has to tell her.

We should make a deputation.

I think you should go.

You're the head

of the Household.

Oh, no,

I couldn't possibly go.

It would bring

the position into disrepute.

Mrs. Tuck.

You know her very well,

don't you?

But I'm just her dresser.

What about you,

Miss Phipps?

Off you go.

And don't take

"no" for an answer.

Your Majesty.

Out with it.

Girl, can't you see,

I'm busy.

There is something

I must say that...

What is the meaning of this?

Stop shaking!

I have come to ask

you to reconsider the...

The elevation of...

Of Mr. Karim.

What did you say?

I've come to ask you not to give Mr.

Karim a knighthood, Your Majesty.

Why the devil not?

The members of

the Household demand

that you abandon your plans,

Your Majesty.

Demand?

We believe that it degrades the

very concept of knighthood.

He comes from a very low

family, Your Majesty.

And

he is colored.

Get out of my sight.

Did you not hear me?

Your Majesty, I must inform

you that if you refuse,

the entire Household

will resign.

Treason!

Treason!

Treason.

Mummy, enough is enough.

You will drop this Munshi

business forthwith.

Do you hear me?

Did you really

think the Household

would countenance

such an insult?

I will not be disobeyed.

No. No.

I have put up with

you for over 50 years!

You will drop

this forthwith or...

Or, or, or, or, Bertie?

Or

we will have you

certified insane!

And removed from

office immediately.

Here are the papers

signed by Dr. Reid.

I am 81 years of age.

I've had nine children,

and 42 grandchildren,

and have almost

a billion citizens.

I have rheumatism,

a collapsed uterus.

I'm morbidly obese

and deaf in one ear.

I have known

eleven Prime Ministers

and passed 2,347

pieces of legislation.

I've been in office

62 years, 234 days.

Thus, I am the longest-serving

monarch in world history.

I'm responsible

for five households

and a staff of over 3,000.

I am cantankerous,

boring, greedy,

fat, ill-tempered,

at times selfish and myopic,

both metaphorically and literally.

I am perhaps disagreeably

attached to power

and should not have smashed

the Emperor of Russia's egg.

But I am anything but insane.

If the Household wish

to disobey me, so be it.

Let them do it

to my face.

I will see everyone

in the Durbar Room at once.

ALICK:
Her Majesty the Queen.

I understand

there is some concern

over my desires on preferment.

I understand feelings

have run high.

And I understand

you have decided to resign,

rather than

withstand my decision.

If any one of you

wishes to tender

their resignation,

it will be accepted

without any unfortunate

consequences.

But at least have the decency

to do it to my face!

Anyone wishing to resign,

please step forward.

(SCOFFS)

I would like to inform you

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