Video Vixens Page #3

of America something

to think about besides

hexochlorophene.

I'm gonna give our

women hot pants.

I mean, boy, to give a little

stroll down memory lane

to the poor creatures

of our country

who have forgotten the pleasures

of God's greatest gift.

I'm gonna turn on the

whole damned audience.

Don't you get it, boy?

We're gonna make the

statement of the age.

We're gonna lay it on the line.

America's gonna take a

long, hard look at itself

and then hop right in

the bed with the memories

of sexual ecstasy that

their government is

trying to suppress for

their own perverse reasons.

I just-- I just can't do it.

I can't do it.

I'll be frank with you, Gordon.

You piss me off.

ANNOUNCER:
Our regularly

scheduled programs will not

be shown tonight so

that we may bring

you the following special.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight from holiday,

KLITT presents the first

annual Stag Film Academy Awards

night with special guest

star, that king of porno,

Rex Boorski.

And our host for tonight,

that famous film critic,

that man of style,

Mr taste in culture

himself-- Gordon Gordon.

[applause]

The world as we know it is

going through a vast change

of sensibilities.

In an era faced with the

bitter aftertaste of marauding

technocrats pummeling our

tender psyches, many of us

have lost the capacity to feel.

Movies have mirrored

this change.

They have become

sterile, lifeless.

They don't turn us on.

How many of us can honestly

say that we came back

from watching "The Godfather"

and felt like-- felt

like getting f***ed?

Tonight-- tonight, the

KLITT viewing audience

will for the first time

be able to see clips

from a new wave of

underground films

that hope to reverse this

alarming sterile trend

in our artistic environment.

Tonight, you will be able to

see the wild, unfulfilled dreams

of America pour out

before your very eyes.

You will see, and

hear, and join with me

in applauding the

best of the award

winning stag films of our time.

But a word of warning for

those out-- for those of you

out there in the video

land, you wild ones, you who

are used to seeing the old

eight millimeter stag films,

be prepared.

Now you will see them

ball in 16 millimeter.

I'm Gordon Gordon.

I'll be right back after

this short announcement.

Look, just between

us girls, we've got

a problem sometimes with odor.

And not just any odor,

big deal crotch odor.

Let's be serious, right?

It can get pretty f***ing

disgusting down there.

If it's going to be a hot

day and I've got some action

planned, I don't mess around.

I just give myself

a quick spritz right

up my favorite spot and yours.

Twinkle Twat-- great stuff.

Isn't it worth it

for the extra penny?

Twinkle Twat-- try it.

You'll like it.

I like it.

SONG:
In its tender

fold and wrinkle,

make it sparkle

where you tinkle.

Love it.

Twinkle Twat.

I love it.

Twinkle Twat.

Every glistening

crack and crinkle

will be cherry blossom pink.

I love you, Twinkle Twat.

The award for the best sound

effects goes to the film cited

for its daring innovations

in the sensitive pick up

of the very quiet sound

of the human heart,

for its delicate integration

of vital noise, racket--

Gordon Junior, get to bed.

But that's Dad.

That's smut!

Turn that thing

off and get to bed.

Mother, I hate to say this,

but Dad is going on the list.

And so to announce the nominees

is none other than the queen

of stag films-- Inga.

[applause]

The nominees are "The

Stroker," "The Lustful

Lover," and "Wailing Whiplash."

May I have the envelope, please?

And the winner is "Wailing

Whiplash:
A Saga of Milk."

All the recipients

of the awards tonight

will receive a statue of a human

foot encased in a black anklet

sock in recognition

for the contributions

to the advancement of

the stag film genre.

Here's a clip from the film.

[heart beating]

How many bottles?

Two.

That's not good enough!

You're hurting me.

You alone in the house?

Why are you doing this to me?

Please stop.

Please stop.

I can't fight you.

Please stop.

You're hurting me so.

What do you want from me?

What do you want?

I'll give you anything you want?

This is what I want.

This is what I want!

Oh no.

Don't beat me with that.

Please, not with that.

Not the strap.

Whore.

[car engine]

It's Melvin, my husband.

What's for lunch, baby?

Tuna salad, darling.

That's not good enough!

I'm sorry, darling, butt

una salad is all we have.

I hope you won't be mad at me.

I hope you won't be angry.

Shut up, baby.

[cheering]

You have just seen

a clip from "Wailing

Whiplash:
a Saga of Milk."

I don't suppose I have

to urge any of you

horny fuckheads out

there to hang on

till after this

brief announcement.

ANNOUNCER:
Irving Hamstrung is

a sewer worker from Elmhurst.

Queens.

He has rough hands from

pulling up manhole covers

and sifting through all

sorts of sh*t all day long.

Isn't that right, Irving?

This is Milton Schwartz

of Coney Island.

He's the chief

maintenance engineer

in the saliva and cigar butt

division of the New York City

subway cleanup control unit.

His hands are wet,

and rough, and clammy.

And they smell bad too.

Isn't that right, Milton?

This is Salvatore

Russo of flushing.

He's an undercover agent for

the New York Police Department.

He spends his day dressed as

a derelict in different men's

rooms in Grand Central Station.

His hands are rough and

calloused from standing

on his hands on top of toilet

bowls for hours at a time.

The other derelicts

trust him because this

proves him to be a regular guy.

Your hands must be pretty

icky, right, Salvatore?

This is Sancho Wienerhauser.

He's an independent

frankfurter salesman.

He handles his wares all

day under an umbrella

in Times Square.

His hands are god awful.

Isn't that right, Sancho?

Sancho?

We have asked these men here

today for a special reason.

As you've seen, they

are professionals

with hard, unpleasant hands.

OK, men.

Go ahead.

OK, men.

You can take off the blindfolds.

Well, professionals,

which did you find softer?

The diaper or the girl?

The girl.

The girl.

The girl.

The girl.

ANNOUNCER:
Thank you, men.

Well, you've just seen for

men with hard, tough, stinking

hands prefer blindfolded

the soft skin of a girl

to the softness of diapers.

Wouldn't you rather have

a real girl than a diaper?

Don't be a little

jerkoff in diapers.

Call Dial-A-Snatch.

SONG:
Dial-A-Snatch--

you won't be lonely

if you'll only dial a snatch!

Softer than diapers,

whores on television.

I'm losing my mind.

I must be losing my mind.

Our next award will be

given in the category

of best documentary.

May I have the envelope, please?

Although the film we have

chosen to honor this year

does not fit into any

ordinary conception

of the documentary

art form, we feel

that its usage of real people

in a real life situation

justifies our

granting of the award.

I take great

pleasure in awarding

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