Video Vixens Page #4

this year's prize for

the best documentary

to "The Shrink Who Loved Me."

MAN:
Your hand, what are

you doing with your hand?

Nothing.

I mean, nothing.

Just looking at my watch.

Look at the watch.

Yes.

Now, you say looking

at your watch,

but in reality, which after

all is my stock and trade,

in reality you were

tugging and pulling

at your portable timepiece.

But, Doctor, I don't--

Now, please, don't interrupt.

I'll lose my train of thought.

I-- I-- I always lose

my train of thought,

and it's a terrific strain.

I mean, it's at

errific strain dealing

with lunatics all the time.

I mean, present company

excepted, of course.

Of course.

But Doctor, I cannot even sleep.

The pain is so unbearable

for me at night.

We can deal with all this.

It's very common.

You have all the

ordinary symptoms.

But that has nothing to do

with what's wrong with me.

Now, now, now, now,

now, now, now, now.

How can you expect me to

help you at all if you start

contradicting me and

taking away the trust

that you must have in me?

You know the doctor

patient relationship

must remain strong and intact.

You see, clocks

have been assigned

a very definite function in

psychoanalytic diagnosis.

Clocks?

Yes, clocks.

Clocks are a symbol

of female genitalia.

Now, your tugging and pulling

at the symbol of your,

shall we say, femininity

is symptomatic

of several proclivitie

son your part

which you are

trying desperately,

I might add, to suppress.

Well, what have I got?

Well, that depends.

Are you a virgin?

Oh, Doctor, don't be silly.

Yes, now, do you have

clocks in your bedroom?

Yes, doctor, I'm afraid I do.

Windup or electric?

Windup with an alarm pullout.

Windup, pullout.

[tsking] Your-- your port

abletimepiece, your wrist

watch, that has no pullout.

So you must tug on it instead.

My dear, I'm afraid

you're a nymphomaniac.

A what?

Now, that's just

the kind of crap I'd

expect to hear from my mother.

I mean, one time, just

one time with Johnny

and immediately I'm a whore, a

two bit, cheap, little whore.

No, no, no, no, no.

Quite the contrary.

You see, nothing could be

further from the truth.

You see, you have

been brought up

to believe that

sexual intercourse

is a cardinal sin, right?

And that whatever

the consequences,

you must always repress

your sexual desire.

My use of the term

nymphomaniac is--

was really to elicit are

action of guilt and shame.

Oh.

Clever.

-Well, thank you.

Now, that reaction was

symptomatic of an unhealthy,

unnatural repression.

Move over.

Move over?

Hey, what is this?

Goddamn it, young lady.

That-- you mustn't let your

silly little repressions

get in the way of your therapy.

I mean, I'm explaining

to you that your--

your-- your neurotic fits are

merely symptoms an underlying

repression of sexual desire that

has been unhealthily drummed

into you ever since your birth.

And the only way

to get around this

is to-- to-- crush it, to-- to--

to tear it up from its roots.

And that's a fact that

must be dealt with at once.

Doctor, what do

you want me to do?

Oh, just draw back

those repressions.

You desire me.

You desire me.

You desire me.

Oh, Miss Alice.

SONG:
If you're running

'round in circles

like ze hands of a clock,

always looking at your watch,

und hearing tick-tock.

Ja, ja.

Und the tick to you means prick

und the tock to you means cock.

And every little

tick-tock is prick-cock.

Ja, ja.

Then tick-tock, tick-tock

is prick-cock, prick-cock.

Und tock-tick is cock-prick.

So psychologically you're sick.

Ticky-ticky, tock-tock,

ticky ticky tock,

pricky-pricky, cock-cock,

pricky pricky cock.

Tocka tocka tick-tick,

Cocka cocka prick.

Cocka cocka, pricka

pricka, cocka cocka prick!

Rightly speaking,

here's my diagonosis.

You've got a genuine

17 jewel neurosis.

You're full of

Bolivar psychosis.

So use this therapy

in very large doses.

Go out with men, Liebchen.

For you're no cuckoo

clock in your mind.

Grab a big man, Liebchen.

Pop your little

spring und unwind.

When you think

you're fully dressed,

but you're mitout a stitch,

then you feel you got a scratch

but cannot find the itch.

You've got [inaudible]

but can't remember which,

go out with men, Liebchen.

If you have to blow your nose,

but your nostrils are in shock

'cause your sinuses are stuff

edup with a mental block-- ja,

ja-- und mama to you means pop,

und papa to you means cock,

und put them all together,

you've got poppycock.

Ja, ja.

Then tick-tock, tick-tock.

If mommy pop is

poppycock, hocky puck,

hockey sock is hockey

stick a cocky prick?

Ticky-ticky tock-tock,

ticky-ticky tock,

hockey pockey, hockey

sockey, pockey hockey stick,

pocka-pocka tick-tick,

pocka-pocka tick,

hockey sticky, cocka

dicky, suck a hockey prick.

Mein Liebchen.

Dippy doo in your thing.

They'll cure what

ails, Liebchen.

Don't drive your

little p*ssy insane.

If you think you're

eating caviar,

but all it is is cheese,

if you're sadomasochistic

but relaxed while ill at ease,

if you're dancing the Flamenco

while you're playing

on your knees,

go out with men, Liebchen!

For those of you

who just tuned in,

you were just seeing a clip

from the award winning stag film

"The Shrink Who Loved Me."

And now a message that I'm

sure will be of interest

to all our female viewers.

MOTHER:
Something wrong?

Oh, Mother, football season's

over, and so is training.

Killer wants me to go

out with him tonight,

but what's he gonna

do when he finds

out that I'm not a true blonde?

Stop feeling sorry for

yourself and get smart.

Whenever I got asked out

on a moment's notice,

I used Minute Merkin.

Yes, Minute Merkin,

a pelvic wig.

It's not just any rug made out

of synthetics or horse hair.

Minute Merkin is hand woven

from genuine human pubic hairs.

I have the rainbow assortment.

You try the Swedish blonde.

But he'll be here

in 10 minutes.

Relax.

It only takes a minute.

Do you think it'll fool Killer?

It certainly

fooled your father.

SONG:
If you're a gal who's

on the go and a gal who's

in the know, well, nothing

would be finer than a wig

for your vagina.

Your friends may think

you're very weird that you

wear a pelvic beard.

But men will pay a price to lay

a gal with such a nice toupee.

Minute Merkin!

ANNOUNCER:
Later that evening.

I'm sorry, Anita.

I guess I got kind of carried

away, but it was beautiful.

-Did he find out?

-No.

-What happened?

-He loved it.

Really?

The whole thing.

ANNOUNCER:
Minute Merkin--

for the gal on the go.

He'll never know the difference.

SONG:
Minute Merkin.

Minute Merkin!

Our next award will be given in

the category of best director.

As many of you have

already been able to guess,

the award this year goes to that

venerable stalwart of the stag

reels for his latest

film "Stag Film

Director:
the Great Deceiver."

Mr Boorski not only

directed this award winner

but also wrote the screenplay

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