Wag the Dog Page #10

AMES:

(OF FAXES)

NY Times, Washington Post, War, War, War. Times got

the girlscout page twelve, Post in Section Two....

Horses in Mid-Stream...?

MOSS:

I don't think you're gonna need it.

AMES:

Well, we paid for it, we got the guys on a retainer.

MOSS:

They got the guys on a retainer, it's cheaper, pay'em,

but don't lettem touch it... Let'em leave us alone.

AMES:

What can it hurt.

MOSS:

What can it hurt is they offend me.

IN THE B.G. WE SEE BREAN, WALKING AROUND WITH A CELLPHONE.

LIZ:

I need a ruling on the Hats. I say a Leopard-skin,

and...

MOSS:

Hey, you're getting the big bucks....

(TO BREAN)

I think we're up-and-running...

JOHNNY GREEN COMES OVER, "JUST LISTEN TO THIS."

JOHNNY GREEN:

(SINGS)

Canada your Peaceful slumbers

Guard our Border To The North...

The Rightful Order

Of Our Border...

HE SHAKES HIS READ, AND RETIRES. GRACE COMES OUT WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE, FROM

WHICH THEY TAKE A CUP.

FAD KING:

Kid comes to School. Teacher: You're late for

Geography Class. Kid: I din' get my breakfast.

Teacher:
siddown, where's the Canadian Border. Kid:

In bed wit My Mom. That's why I missed my breakfast...

GRACE REACHES IN HER BACK POCKET, HANDS MOSS SEVERAL SHEETS

GRACE:

We got the Albanian Girl, with a cat, with a kitten,

with a dog...

MOSS:

I didn't ask for a dog.

GRACE:

(SHRUGS)

...the pet wrangler suggested it..he's also got a...

AMES:

I think I should check with the President -- to see

what kind of animal he...

GRACE:

The Pet wrangler has also got a...

MOSS:

Do it later...

(OF THE PHOTO)

Okay, now, "The Little Girl," who is she, what is she

doing? She is....she's ...Okay, okay, it's an Albanian

village... She is the victim of, she has been

relocated, to, to, for the terrorists, the Government

Labs...the, the... a staging area for their Atomic

workshop.

(PAUSE)

They're torturing her family, because they have

connections in Canada, which would permit the

terrorists access to the American Border.

GRACE:

Better.

MOSS:

You like it?

GRACE:

Yes.

MOSS:

Fine. Good.

GRACE EXITS.

BREAN:

(HANGS UP THE CELL PHONE)

Would somebody wake me in five minutes?

FAD KING:

Does it have to be Albania? Because, lookit:

(HE HOLDS UP A SKETCH OF A BOOT)

I can get my hands on a lot of walking-around-cash, I

think, if it's Italy...Look at the tie-in here: The

Boot, "Givvem the Boot,"... If we were to go Wide

with a shoe as the fad. A "Shoe-fad"... Here's what

it offers us...

BREAN:

We're locked into Albania.

FAD KING:

Well, let's not be too sure, why is that?

BREAN:

(CHECKS HIS WATCH.)

The President is going to declare War against Albania

in a half an hour.

BREAN ROUSES HIMSELF, WALKS TO THE POOL, AND BEGINS TO WASH HIS FACE IN IT.

EXT STUDIO PARKING LOT L.A. DAWN.

MERCEDES CONVERTIBLE PULLS UP, MOSS DRIVING. HE AND BREAN GET OUT.

INT STUDIO, DAWN.

A TELEVISION, SHOWING THE PRESIDENT, SPEAKING.

PRESIDENT:

That a state of war has existed, between the United

States, and...

BREAN AND MOSS BREEZE PAST THE SET, INTO A MOVIE MAKING SCENE. TWENTY PEOPLE

CLUSTERED AROUND A YOUNG GIRL IN TRADITIONAL ALBANIAN DRESS WHOSE HEADSHOT

WE SAW EARLIER, BEING FUSSED-UP AND TWEAKED BY HAIR AND MAKE-UP.

MOSS:

Good morning, My name's Stanley Moss, I'll be your

director this morning, what I'd like you to do, Miss,

what is your name...

ALBANIAN TYPE:

Trudy Larouche.

MOSS:

..."Trudy," is, to start at that wall...

(HE GESTURES AT THE SWEEP)

and, on my signal, "action" to run toward me,

screaming ...they taking care of you...? Good. You

wanna cuppa tea? Okay. Can we just try one, just for

the...

TRUDY:

I understand this is going to be National? Is that the

case? Because my agent didn't get a chance to...

THEY ARE WALKED OVER TO AN AREA IN WHICH WE FIND THE PET WRANGLER, SURROUNDED

BY SEVERAL ANIMAL CASES WITH DOGS IN THEM.

MOSS, AS HE SPEAKS, IS SURVEYING THE DOGS.

MOSS:

Well, it's a little bit of a...

A.D.

...we're going for a direct buy-out.

MOSS:

...you have your agent check with the...

TRUDY:

No, I know it's going to be fine. I'm so excited, and

I'm looking forward to putting it on my resume. When

you called last...

BREAN TAKES TRUDY ASIDE.

BREAN:

Eh, Trudy, could I talk to you for a moment...? You

know, this project is a... "Funny" kind of...

HE WALKS HER ASIDE. MOSS SELECTS A DOG, AND AMES COMES OVER TO HIM, HOLDING

A CELLPHONE.

AMES:

(DESCRIBING THE SCENE, INTO THE PHONE)

A schnauzer. What appears to be a...

PET WRANGLER:

Lhasa Apso.

AMES:

(INTO PHONE)

Lhasa Apso, and a...

HE LOOKS AT THE THIRD DOG.

PET WRANGLER:

What you have here is a cross-breed, between a dog

which was substantially a...

AMES GESTURES HIM FOR SILENCE, AS HE LISTENS TO THE PHONE.

AMES:

(INTO THE PHONE)

Abso... absolutely, sir... Absolutely.

(TO MOSS)

He wants a kitten.

(PAUSE)

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