Wag the Dog Page #9

MOSS:

(EXPANSIVELY)

Y'see, this is what Producing is: you put me in a

Room...

AMES:

(LISTENING TO THE PHONE)

...and he's got a negative rating of...

(HE SMILES)

MOSS:

(TO FAD KING, PROMPTING)

King, we've got to be on the streets in...

FAD KING:

...what am I doing? Do you see me working...?

(TO LIZ)

Here's what you want to do, you want to come out of the

box, an item, someone 'ready has, but then you sell

it to'em. Torn jeans, uh ... faded Levi Jackets, uh...

uh...

MOSS:

Where are we on the Image? Grace? Grace...

ANGLE:

OVER A SLEEPING BREAN, STRETCHED OUT ON A POOLCHAIR, GRACE, THE SECRETARY,

COMES OUT ON TO THE POOL AREA, HOLDING THE SHOT OF A SMALL, FOREIGN LOOKING

CHILD, IN FRONT OF A PILE OF RUBBLE.

SHE SHOWS IT TO MOSS.

MOSS:

...we own it?

GRACE:

Public Domain.

MOSS:

And what? What? She was Driven From Her Home, by

Albanian Terrorists. It is her we are mobilizing to

defend... it is "she"?

GRACE:

We-are-mobilizing-to-defend-her.

MOSS:

Can we give'er a kitten?

GRACE:

No problem. Here's the...

SHE GOES BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

FAD KING:

I gotta get something, I gotta get ...shoes? Ties?

Hats...?

(TAKES A SHEAF OF HEADSHOTS FROM

GRACE)

Good. Good.

(HE PASSES THEM AROUND, WE SEE THEY

ARE ALL GIRLS AROUND FOURTEEN WITH LONG

BLONDE HAIR.)

BREAN:

...what is this?

MOSS:

Headshots. Girls to play the girl in our footage.

(OF A PHOTO)

I like the sorrowful one. Anybody Else....?

(HE PASSES THE PHOTOS AROUND.)

FAD KING:

...what is this?

BREAN:

Young-Albanian-girl-driven-from-her-home.

FAD KING:

I go with this here...

(HE WALKS OFF SHAKING HIS HEAD.)

MOSS:

Too Texan. Go with the stick. Thanks.

(TO THE FAD KING.)

What...? ...does it have to be Albania...We're locked

into Albania...why?

JOHNNY GREEN:

It's tough to rhyme.

MOSS:

I believe in you....

JOHNNY GREEN:

Albania, Albania, Albania, James bond Villains.

MOSS:

John Belushi... Jim Belushi...

JOHNNY GREEN:

Jim Belushi...?

MOSS:

Surest thing you know.

FAD KING:

Shoes, Hats....

LIZ:

The special hats of the Special Anti-terrorist

detachment of the Border Patrol.

MOSS:

(MULLING IT OVER)

The Special Anti-Terrorist Detachment of the Border

Patrol... what do they do...?

LIZ:

(SHRUGS)

...they... you know...

JOHNNY GREEN:

They guard our, you know ... "borders," night and

day...

MOSS:

Yeah, good good good good good. And They're So

Secret...

LIZ:

Oh huh...

MOSS:

...they have the capacity to Meld into the Woods,

and...

ALL NOD:

MOSS:

(CONT.)

And one of them is in love with the sister of...

LIZ:

I'm just talking about the Hats.

MOSS:

The hats.

LIZ:

A beret.

MOSS:

Why a beret?

LIZ:

Cause you can crush it and put it in your pocket.

MOSS:

"...the special detachment..."

Good! What is it?

BREAN WAKES FOR A MOMENT, AT THE SHOUTING, LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

BREAN:

Three-o-three...

MOSS:

The men and women of Detachment Three-O-Three, with

their...

FAD KING:

Black...

LIZ:

Leopard Skin...

MOSS:

With their berets...

LIZ:

...their Leopard Skin Berets....

FAD KING:

Well, that ain't very butch, is it?

LIZ:

It's a beret...

CAMERA TAKES MOSS TO THE TV WHERE BREAN IS WATCHING A "CHANGE HORSES IN

MIDSTREAM" AD, SHOWING TWO RETIRED LADIES, SITTING OUT ON A PORCH IN THE

SOUTH, ON A ROCKER.

LIZ:

(CONT.)

...you said you wanted something they could stuff in

their pocket...

FAD KING:

...I meant the Leopard Skin...

LIZ:

British Regiments drape their drums in Leopard Skins.

FAD KING:

Thank God this is America.

MOSS:

(DISTRACTED)

How about half-black, half leopard skin...

TV OLD LADY:

...why change Horses in Mid Stresm, that's what I ...

MOSS:

(SHAKING HEAD SADLY)

Why are they sticking with this age old horseshit?

BREAN:

(SHRUGS)

"If One Twinkie is Funny, Two Twinkies are Funnier..."

AMES WALKS IN WITH HIS ARMS FULL OF FAXES. HE READS FROM THEM.

AS HE PERUSES THEM WE SEE THE FAD KING, HE GOES, DREAMILY, TO A PHONE, AND

DIALS.

FAD KING:

(INTO PHONE)

Bunny:
I had an idea: a Slinky, that falls Up...

(PAUSE)

Naa, we can figure that out. What I'm wondering: what

do we call it...

(PAUSE)

You got my number...

(HE HANGS UP.)

MOSS:

(TO AMES)

Why are they ...

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