Wag the Dog Page #8

MOSS:

Ten Days.

(COVERS THE PHONE)

There going to be any Back End in this thing?

BREAN:

W...what?

MOSS:

...there gonna be any money in this thing?

BREAN:

"Back End" ... count on it.

MOSS:

(TO PHONE)

Lots n lotsa cash. Stay on for Gracie, she'll get you

a ticket

(HE HANGS UP)

AMES:

(TO BREAN)

...where is the Back End coming from?

BREAN:

It's like that thing with the Yellow Ribbon...

AMES:

The thing with the Yellow Ribbon...

BREAN:

The Hostages...?

AMES:

The hostages, but that was a naturally-occuring...

(BREAN GIVES HIM A LOOK TO SAY, "OH,

GROW UP")

It was a put-up job?

(BREAN GIVES HIM THE LOOK AGAIN)

But where was the, where was the money in that?

BREAN:

In the yellow ribbon.

AMES:

...the Yellow Ribbon, but who, who'd profit from

that...

BREAN:

(LONG SUFFERING)

The Ribbon Manufacturers.

MOSS:

(INTO THE PHONE)

King, King, I got a thing here, a product placement,

gonna have a bigger back-end than Hattie McDaniel.

Now:

AMES, CELLPHONE TO HIS EAR, APPROACHES BREAN -- BREAN WAVES HIM OFF.

BREAN:

I gotta protect the Canadian Horder,

BREAN PICKS UP ANOTHER PHONE, AND STARTS

BREAN:

(INTO THE PHONE)

Here's what we want to do: The Park Police, the

Border Patrol, and the US Marshall's Service. The D.E.

the A.T.F, all of em, Stand by for instant

mobilization, 'long the Canadian Border.

(PAUSE)

And tell 'em there's nothing to be alarmed about.

INT MOSS'S DINING ROOM NIGHT.

MOSS, BREAN, AND THREE MORE PEOPLE, PADS AND NOTES TACKED ONTO THE WALL.

CAMERA PANS OVER THE TABLE. ONE NEWSPAPER, THE EDITORIAL CARTOON SHOWS

THE PRESIDENT. A GIRLSCOUT IS HANDING HIM A BOX OF COOKIES, AND HE IS SAYING,

"I KNOW I REALLY SHOULDN'T"... ON ANOTHER THE EDITORIAL CARTOON SHOWS THE

GREAT SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT, THE MOTTO, WRITTEN AROUND THE CIRCUMFERENCE

READS, "SIT ON MY LAP."

JAY LENO:

(VO)

...went into a Convenience store...

ANGLE:

THE GROUP, MOSS, BREAN AND THREE MORE, WATCHING THE TV

JAY LENO:

...asked if they had any girlscout cookies. Five cops

jumped on me, took me off in chains...

MOSS SWITCHES THE STATION. WE SEE RICKY JAY, DOING A VANISH OF COINS.

APPLAUSE... CONAN O'BRIAN BECKONS RICKY OVER TO THE PANEL.

CONAN:

Ricky Jay, Ladies and Gentleman, Ricky, I guess we'd

have to say that you're the most famous manipulator of

small oblects in the World.

RICKY JAY:

No, I'd have to say, that'd be the President.

LAUGHTER ON THE TV.

MOSS SWITCHES THE CHANAEL AGAIN. WE SEE SENATOR NOLE.

SENATOR NOLE:

(ON TV)

...taking refuge behind the fact of distance, taking

refuge behind the mention of Albania, of his stomach

flu, taking refuge, with the election those scant days

away, behind everything except avowal of his guilt.

Mr. President, if you have any shame, I ask you, the

public asks you, the electorate asks you to return,

to face these terrible charges, to...

THE SCREEN GOES TO THE GREAT SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT

ANNOUNCER:

...from Airforce One. In China. The President of the

United States.

PRESIDENT:

My fellow Americans. I apologize for the need for

secrecy. I assure you that had it not been

necessary to ensure the safety of our men and women

in the Combat Arms. The Republic of Albania, long

a staging ground for terrorists around the World, is

in the procesa of mounting ... actions directed against

the people of the United States. In consultation with

my advisors, I have elected to take the following

precautionary measures:

EXT POOLSIDE, MOSS'S HOME, L.A. NIGHT.

THE FAD KING, A SLOPPILY FAT FELLOW IN A DIRTY T-SHIRT, IS WALKING THE POOL,

HOLDING FORTH TO MOSS, AND JOHNNY GREEN, A NASHVILLE TYPE, AND LIZ BUTSKY, A

COSTUME DESIGNER, WHO IS SKETCHING ON A PAD.

FAD KING:

It's a, it's a...

(LIZ STARTS TO TALK)

It can't be a ribbon...

LIZ:

Why can't it be a ribbon?

FAD KING:

It can't be a ribbon cause AIDS had a ribbon, cause

the Yellow Ribbon thing had a ribbon, cause...

MOSS:

Look, look, look, look, Canada, okay...? Our neighbor

to the North, alla sudden, transformed, into That

Place, where, like the North Wind, Terror comes...

FAD KING:

Keep Talking....

MOSS:

What guards Us Against Canada...?

AMES:

(PHONE TO HIS EAR)

...we've got a crash poll, says...

(HE LISTENS)

Sixty seven percent of the

(BEAMS)

American People, on hearing the President's Speech...

JOHNNIE GREEN WALKS AWAY, HUMMING TO HIMSELF, "I GUARD THE NORTHERN

BORDERS..."

FAD KING AND LIZ WAVE AMES OFF, MEANING, "WE HAVE ADULT WORK TO DO HERE."

LIZ:

Uh...uh... Mounties. The Mounties Guard The Border.

uh... those Mountie Hats.

FAD KING:

They look stupid.

LIZ:

We had Davy Crockett hats... They made a fortune.

FAD KING:

We had Davy Crockett hats, but you could crush'em ...

you could crush'em, see, when you felt stupid.

Crush'em, put em in your Pocket. You can't put a

Mountie hat in your...

MOSS WALKS THROUGH THE SHOT, WITH BREAN.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote