Wag the Dog Page #7

HE SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY.

BREAN:

And if you never won an Oscar, How'd you like an

ambassadorship...

(PAUSE)

MOSS:

Hell, I'd just do it for the hell of having done it,

for a story to tell...

BREAN:

Well, no, well, you couldn't tell any...

MOSS:

Hey, I know that, hey, I'm kidding...

(PAUSE)

"It's a pageant"

BREAN:

...that's what it is.

MOSS:

(TO HIMSELF)

"The Country Is At War."

(PAUSE)

BREAN:

It's Miss America, N'you're Bert Parks.

(PAUSE)

MOSS:

...Yoha, Yoha... Yoha.

(PAUSE)

Why Albania?

BREAN:

Because.

MOSS:

They got to have something that we want.

BREAN:

I'm sure they do.

MOSS:

What do we have that they want?

BREAN:

"Freedom."

MOSS:

Why would they want that?

HAKAN:

They're Oppressed.

MOSS:

No, no, no. F*** Freedom. No. F*** Freedom.

They.... They Want... They Want To Destroy the Godless

Satan of the United ... They want to destroy our Way of

Life. Okay, okay, okay, could we ... okay: the

President is in China. He is dealing with a Dispatch

of the B-2 Bomber to Albania. Why?

(HE SHRUGS, HOLDS UP HIS HANDS, TO SAY,

"YOU TELL ME...")

AMES:

Alright, well, alright: geopolitically...

MOSS GESTURES FOR SILENCE.

MOSS:

We've just found out They Have the Bomb. We've Just

Found Out They Have The Bomb, aaaand... No, No wait a

second, no, no, wait a second, No. The Bomb's not...

it's not there -- because they'd have to have a

rocket and that sh*t n'they're a buncha wogs-- it's ...

it's a suitcase Bomb. Ooookay. It's a suitcase bomb,

and it's .... in Canada! Eh? Albanian Terrorists have

placed a suitcase Bomb in Canada, in an attempt to

infiltrate the bomb into the USA.

AMES:

You know what? This is good. This is terrific, and

I'll tell you why: it's cost effective. This is....

MOSS:

(SHRUGS)

It's producing.

AMES:

No, this is great.

MOSS:

I could tell you stories: Cecil B. Demille: Alright?

The Greatest Show on Earth: He needs an elephant,

GRACE COMES IN WITH A PHONE, TO AMES.

GRACE:

I have the White House on the Line.

MOSS:

...one minute:
Demille needs an elephant for a

reshoot.

AMES:

(TAKES THE PHONE)

Ames here. Yessir...

(HE LISTENS.)

MOSS:

Okay. Okay. The Suitcase Bomb...

GRACE:

...good title for a movie....

MOSS GESTURES "WRITE IT DOWN"

AMES WANDERS AWAY, RELATING THE PROCEEDINGS INTO THE PHONE.

AMES:

..."Terrorism," and an attempt to infiltrate...

MOSS:

...the Suitcase Bomb. ACT ONE Albania denies it.

President comes on the air, "Be Calm." Okay, now:

Good. Now, Alright. Act TWO...

(TO GRACE)

I need the following here. Right now: Johnnie Green,

Liz Butsky, and get me the Fad King.

GRACE:

Isn't Johnny Green in the...

(SHE GESTURES, LOONEY BIN)

MOSS:

No, he's back in Nashville.

BREAN:

...who is this guy...?

MOSS:

(TO BREAN)

Act Two:
and then, Act Two...

BREAN:

We don't need an Act Two.

MOSS:

(ON THE PHONE)

And get me the Fad King. No. Get him First...

(TO BREAN)

We don't need an Act Two?

BREAN:

We've just got to hold their interest for ten more

days, till the Election.

MOSS:

...it's a Teaser!

BREAN:

It's a teaser, absolutely right,

AMES IS SEEN IN THE B.G. ON THE CELLPHONE.

AMES:

(ON THE PHONE, SOTTO)

The thinking is, as of this moment, Terrorism...

(HE COVERS THE PHONE)

...they're getting a Good Reaction on the "Albania"

thing...

BREAN SHRUGS, TO SAY, "OF COURSE."

MOSS:

(ON THE PHONE)

Hello, King. How the heck are you...?

(PAUSE)

Get out...

(PAUSE)

Get out... Well, man, you fall in love like a

Hillbilly...

(HE COVERS THE PHONE, EXPLAINING TO

THOSE NEAR HIM)

Ditch the wife, toss the kids in the Pick-up,

(HE GESTURES, MEANING, YOU KNOW...)

(To THE FAD KING)

Listen, King:
Get your fat redneck ass out here,

willya...

AMES:

(TO BREAN, STILL HOLDING THE PHONE TO

HIS EAR)

...but the President wonders about the Possible

Albanian Backlash...

BREAN:

(SHRUGS)

You can't have a war without an enemy.

MOSS:

(ON PHONE)

No, King, I need you here yesterday...

(TO BREAN)

How long do I need him for?

BREAN:

(CORRECTING HIMSELF)

Well, you could have one, but it'd be a very

ineffective war...

(TO MOSS)

We're done in 10 days...

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