Wag the Dog Page #24

BREAN:

(ON HIS PHONE)

Dean City, Oklahoma...

(SHRUGS)

Army Special Programs -- tell'em to bring Schumann to

the plane, n we'll bring him back, stash him the

Hospital...Call the plane....tell me where to pick'm

up.

MOSS LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW, AT THE MURAL. LOOKS OVER IN ADMIRATION AT

BREAN.

MOSS:

I'll bet you're good at Chess.

BREAN:

I would be, I could remember how all the pieces move...

INT CORPORATE JET NIGHT.

THE AIRBORNE JET, NIGHT, BREAN AND MOSS RELAXING.

A CO-PILOT COMES BACK INTO THE CABIN, AND CAMERA HINGES HIM TO A BAR -- HE

TAKES OUT A BOTTLE AND TOPS UP DRINKS FOR THE TWO MEN --

HE PROGRESSES DOWN THE AISLE, WHERE WE SEE AMES ON THE PHONE.

AMES:

(ON PHONE)

...aspect of the inaugural which.... No. No, the

thinking is, to Wait on the Congressional... hello?

(TO THE CO-PILOT)

We getting some.... hello? Some interference...?

CO-PILOT

Little rough weather.

AMES:

(AS THE PHONE COMES BACK ON)

To wait on the Congressional Medal for Schumann. Moss

and Brean think, and I agree, why spend it til you need

it.

(PAUSE)

No. Go ahead and pre... go ahead and prepare it.

Sure.

(PAUSE)

Well, you... hello? You can find the info on him in

the Army Special... Hello? The Army Special Programs.

CAMERA TRAVELS UP THE CABIN AGAIN, WITH THE CO-PILOT.

CO-PILOT

We're seeing some difficult weather out of Oklahoma --

but the captain thinks that we'll be fine.

BREAN:

(TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE)

Against...who could be aggressor....Help me out

here...Units of 303, the Defense Department confirms,

early this morning, Albanian Time, stormed a mountain

hideaway, near the city of -- help me out here -- and

freed a tired, but happy William Schumann, Suffering

no casualties. His condition is reported as Guarded,

and his route to the US has not been disclosed, but a

high White House source confirms he is expected in

Washington tomorrow morning...no, that's for the wire

service. Moss's working on Big Bird's Inaugural.

(PAUSE)

Nine A.M...?

(TO MOSS)

Nine? Miss the commuters, but...

MOSS:

...we'll gettim in their cars.

BREAN:

(INTO PHONE)

Yeah, we'll gettem in their cars.

(TO SELF)

I'm slowing down...

(TO PHONE)

No, no. Look, lookit: I think it's a mistake, well,

I'll tell you why: you got'em by the balls, Squeeze.

(PAUSE)

Because Schumann's the Shark. He's ...Jaws. You have

to tease'em... You don't puttem in the first reel of

the movie...

(MOSS NODS)

Bring'em back slow, the President... No, no, put him

on. Put him on.

(PAUSE. HE COVERS PHONE)

President wants to reveal Scbumann before the election.

MOSS:

Big mistake.

BREAN:

(INTO PHONE)

Hell, yes, we're, we're on our way to get him now. No.

Lookit:
it's like a girl with her virginity,

y'understand...

MOSS NODS ALONG.

BREAN:

(CONT)

Guy says he'll respect her tomorrow, he might, but why

take a chance? Hold out til after you're married.

That's... that's.... looky, we're offering'em Schumann,

make em vote for hhhh.... psychologically, they will

understand that that's the bargain. Make them pay for

him. Make... that's right, the price is their vote.

Now, we bring him home, the President announces he is

flying home, he's here, he's there... f'there the

election, TA DA, here he is.

(PAUSE)

Have him say it like I wrote it, It'll be fine.

Thanks.

(HE HANGS UP.)

Labor, five bucks an hour. If you watch, ten bucks an

hour. If you help ... if you help, a hundred bucks an

hour.

MOSS:

Hey, lcokit:
any business...

BREAN:

Ain't that the truth.

(PAUSE)

MOSS:

Whattaya gonna do when this is all over?

BREAN:

What am I gonna do? I'm gonna "Fade Away."

(SMILES)

What are you gonna do?

MOSS:

(LAUGHS)

Well, I'll be damned if I know ... you know... doing

this thing ...

(PAUSE)

You know what the worst word is, in the English

Language? It's ïretirement." What the hell was I

thinking of? Hell, I used to...

BREAN NUDGES HIM, TO LOOK AT THE TV.

THEY SETTLE BACK, LOOK AT THE TV.

ANGLE, ON A TV, A COUNTRY MUSIC SPECTACULAR. WILLIE NELSON IS CALLED TO THE

STAGE, SITS ON HIS STOOL, PLAYS A FEW BARS FOR NOTHING, AND THEN

A RENDITION OF "COURAGE, MOM."

ANGLE, IN THE AUDIENCE, PAN OVER THE FACES, ONE TEENAGE GIRL IN A 858

SWEATSHIRT, BEARING THE LOGO, AND THE WORD, "VOLO," IS SILENTLY, TEARFULLY,

MOUTHING THE WORDS ALONG WITH WILLIE.

WILLIE NELSON:

"What have you got at the end of the day? How do you

keep those fears at bay? What do you say, when there's

nothin' to say? Courage, Mom..."

(ET CETERA)

ANGLE:

MOSS AND BREAN.

BREAN:

We pick up Schumann. Sneak him back inside the Beltway.

And we plan his homecoming. Zt's gone be Neil

Armstrong, Dr. Livingston, and Lindy...They're gonna

forget, they're gonna forget, they're gonna forget that

there is an election...The Pres's gonna have to say,

one of his speeches, "Don't forget to Vote..."

MOSS:

I got it in the inaugural. "Thank you for voting for

me, but, as importantly: Thank you for voting...

(HE GESTUR£S AT A SHEAF OF PAPERS)

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