Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie Page #9

Hey you, anchorman.

Get on the TV

and make us sound good.

Matter of fact, get on there

and do some of that Newspeak

so we can have the people

hear about truth and freedom.

They'll believe you.

Get on there, man.

It's just not that simple.

I need a Teleprompter

and I need proper copy.

- Then the pretty lady dies.

- Ron.

Man, look, make us

sound good or the lady dies.

We're on live in 10, nine,

- eight, seven, six...

- I need a Teleprompter, I can't!

- Ron...

- five, four,

three, two, and we're live.

three, two, and we're live.

What's happening, Daddy?

What happened to the TV?

Ed:
What in the Sam Hill--

what's going on?

It's on all three channels,

there's not a thing I can do.

They're breaking our signal.

What the hell's

wrong with him?

Good lord!

He's got no Teleprompter.

Tino:

He... has no words.

W-wash-- washcloth.

Damn it.

My name is Ron...

Ron:

I can't think of a word.

Think of any word, just say it.

Camel...

Process the informa--

It's just a blank slate.

When I close my eyes,

it's a blank slate.

Man, this guy's a fool, man!

Smoke that chick!

Happy birthday to me.

Ron, say something.

My name is Kyle--

My name is Big Mark.

It's too loud. It's too loud.

My name is Big...

Too loud.

I'm Ron Channely...

I'm Mark A-As-Aspen.

Aspen, Colorado. Mark.

Florida, pancake.

Astronauts are on the moon.

There's astronauts everywhere.

Watch out for the astronauts.

Ron.

There's no Teleprompter,

I can't do it.

Ron, it's jazz.

It's jazz, baby.

Let it flow. Let it flow.

I can feel it.

I can feel it.

Good evening.

I'm Ron Burgundy,

reporting from life.

I'd first like to apologize

for my past

and hateful transgressions.

I am sorry, dear San Diego.

First of all, I'd like you to know

that I'm safe.

However, I'm under

the careful scrutiny

of a group of young upstarts

who call themselves The Alarm Clock.

And I have to say, although

their methods may be questionable,

they are on the road

to righteous truth.

That's it, that's it.

Use them anchorman tricks.

Have all them people follow us.

A road that if you follow it

with your heart,

it will lead you, oddly enough,

by the old Mobil station

- near the old pickle stand...

- Wait a minute.

He's giving directions

to where they are.

- Take this down.

- Ron:
...to Old Gearson Road.

A group that outshines

- many of the radicals...

- Brad:
Good, you're good.

we come across today.

In fact, they are bright,

pearly, shining stars,

that needn't be observed

by, say, a telescope

in an observatory.

- Hey, he's narcing on us!

- He's telling the cops where we are!

News team! Commence

Delta, Charlie, Charlie!

Yo, yo, yo!

We've been burned!

What in the name of Solomon?

What the sh*t?

Ooh, I'm gonna kill these punks.

- News team!

- Let's rock.

- Good work, team.

- Garbanzo!

It's just a new catch phrase

I was trying out instead of whammy.

No, I'd stick

with whammy, Champ.

Whammy works.

I like whammy better.

Stick with whammy.

I'm not a fake!

Let the revolution begin!

Veronica!

Ron!

Ah! Spiderman's balls,

that hurt!

Oh, Mr. Burgundy,

you took a bullet for me.

And I would not do that again.

Let's be clear on that.

I care for you deeply, but...

that-- it hurts!

Oh, it hurts like a bitchy-b*tch.

Mr. Burgundy, there are

literally thousands of men

that I should

be with instead, but...

I love you.

- Baby, cuff me. Cuff me back up.

- Yes.

- You're gonna get cuffed.

- Cuff me back up, yes!

- Oh, yeah. Oh.

- Yeah. Oh, now we're doing this.

Oh, yeah.

Ron:
You're cutting off the circulation

to my hindquarters.

- It's hypnotic...

- Ron:
Release the pressure.

- ...yet disgusting.

- Ron:
I'm gonna pass out.

- That feels good, baby.

- That feels good.

Ron:

Ah, that's nice, mmm.

Now it's gonna get good.

Now it's gonna get good.

Veronica:

Get it off, get it off.

Ron:

Get that off, get that off.

- Punch me in the arm. Ooh, again!

- Did it hurt, baby?

- Yes.

- Did it hurt?

Ron:

Wake up the black lady.

Veronica:

Cuff me, cuff me, cuff me.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

- Slap it, slap me, slap me.

- Ron:
What do I slap?

Slap my ass, Daddy!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

- I'm gonna punch it now.

- Oh mommy likes those tomatoes!

- Ron:
I wanna bite it!

- I like those tomatoes!

- I'm hungry.

- Yeah.

We don't need to see this anymore.

Let's go to Charlie Lancer's

- and get you a candle.

- Candle!

- A nice red one.

- ( both laugh )

Narrator:

As for the news team,

Brian Fantana is still

a successful reality TV host.

And recently

he married Paula Abdul.

The ceremony took place at Shutters

and Lorenzo Lamas was the best man.

Champ Kind

has fallen on hard times

since being fired

as an NFL commentator.

He now sells those big crayon balloons

in the parking lot of the lce Capades.

And will say ''Whammy!''

at birthday parties for $20

and a 12-pack of Stroh's.

After serving as Bush's

top political advisor for three years,

Brick went in

to the private sector,

where he is now

the CEO of Halliburton.

Mr. Burgundy, Chad Reynolds,

I'm with the network.

We're doing a when-the-newsman-

becomes-the-news angle.

How would you like to report

your own story?

Network, huh?

I'm Ron Burgundy. If you're looking

for the best coverage of this story,

you need the best journalist.

And that would be

this little lady right behind me.

- Oh no, Ron, I can't.

- Yes, you can.

You're the best I've ever seen,

- and that's a fact.

- Oh, Ron.

Can you feel it?

This is a very, very special

and emotional moment.

I've learned to accept you

for who you are

and I'm a much better man

because of it.

- Ron.

- It's so special.

- And it's happening right now.

- Honey, you're wrecking it.

Right.

Have at it, my little wild flower.

I'm Veronica Corningstone

reporting for Channel 4 News.

Today could have been

a very dark day

if not for the quick thinking

of one brave man:

- Veronica:
Ron Burgundy.

- Ron Burgundy, I hate you.

But damn it, I respect you.

Narrator:
Wes Mantooth is still

in San Diego and still number two.

And he still hates Ron Burgundy

with an unnatural burning intensity.

The Alarm Clock was jailed

for five years

but, upon being released,

started a little company

called Macintosh.

They are now worth

six billion dollars

and own the San Jose Sharks

hockey team.

All photos and tapes

of Ron Burgundy

have long since been

thrown away or erased.

He's but a memory now

for a select few.

But talk to one

of those old timers

and they'll lean in

and say one thing--

Ron Burgundy

was the truth.

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