Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie Page #8

some very tough decisions

to make in the next couple of hours...

or maybe even months.

Or even years, I don't know.

Just spit it out, RB.

You're talking about cannibalism.

Am I? ls that

what I'm talking about?

I guess I am.

I'm talking about cannibalism.

Developed by the Japanese

in the 1800s,

and now we're

going to use it

in present day time.

The eating of flesh

for the sustention of life.

What do you think of that?

It's about to happen!

Champ:

It'll have to be the weakest one.

Sweet Lord, I don't know

if I can eat a friend.

I once ate

an entire bowl of Legos.

I don't care, Brick!

I just don't care!

How's that twisted ankle

of yours doing, Brian?

It's fine. I barely

even feel it anymore.

Please, Brian, please.

- Don't struggle.

- What are you guys doing?

Come on.

It's for the good of the group.

Just lay down

so we can eat you.

- Oh no.

- Ron:
Don't make this any harder

- than it has to be.

- Stay away from me, you bastards!

Let me do it, Ron. Don't need you

being implicated in this murder.

? Hush little baby,

Daddy's coming to eat you ?

? Mamma's gonna buy you...

a back of your calf. ?

Wait, don't eat me, don't eat me.

Eat Brick, he won't care.

No, that's fine.

- You're a lot leaner.

- Brian:
Stop it. Guys.

Please relax.

Think of something

relaxing, like a stream

- or a meadow.

- Stay away from me!

- Stay away from me!

- Okay, yeah.

- Back, back, back!

- Let me do it.

I've wanted to do this

for a long time.

Dreamt of it.

Dreams of Fantana!

- Stay away!

- I'm gonna eat your face

off your bones, Fantana!

Let me do it, Ron!

You say it,

and I'll kill this man!

- Do it, Champ. Drop the rock.

- No, guys, come on!

Drop the rock.

Drop the rock.

- It was an accident, that's all.

- Pretend I'm a wolverine.

- We had to eat him! We had to!

- Don't struggle. It's for the group.

Brian:

I've never even slept with a lady!

Hey, you guys.

Look at the big white bubbly building!

Ron:
Good work, Brick.

All right, team. Let's move out.

Ron:

Keep a tight perimeter.

Nice job.

All right, gang,

it's real simple.

Just like when we were

back together in 'Nam in '64.

I'll take the point...

Stand down,

Corporal Burgundy.

I'm running this show now.

- Affirmative, a-ffir-ma-tive?

- Affirmative.

I'll take point.

Champ, right flank.

Gator Dirty Teacup.

We will fan out,

to a cobra

double-helix formation.

If we encounter

any hostiles,

silent throat cuts only.

On my... mark.

Looks like the captain's back.

Any word yet from the police?

Nothing. No sign of her.

No one's heard from the rest

of the news team either.

Well, I hope they find them soon.

These weekend anchors

we have to fill in are...

just not cutting it.

- One of our own is missing.

- Ready two.

Miss Corningstone

of this station, this very station,

is missing. We are looking for...

any information

we have on the lady.

And you can call--

you can call this number.

- Where's the friggin' number?

- Man:
Ready two.

I do have a message

for one of our viewers.

Mommy, if you're watching,

don't be scared.

I didn't know I was coming to work

today, they called last minute.

I left spaghetti on the stove,

and I swear to God,

I will cut your hair tomorrow.

I want them off the air now!

Why don't you think

about losing the beard?

Her name-- I can't-- lan!

I can't find the number!

You see, Mamma?

You see, I told you I was for real.

When that anchor witch

reads our manifesto,

this city's gonna go crazy

with the truth.

- Have you finished the manifesto?

- Yeah, it's almost done.

I gotta get a new typewriter ribbon.

It's all up here.

Ron! Ron, be careful.

Blink and you're dead,

'cause we're in Rome now.

Well, if it isn't

Whitey McWhitington.

Oh Ron, I can't believe

you came for me.

I've been thinking

about you every second.

Part of the time wanting to kill you,

because of my hatred.

Another time,

wanting to make love to you

in a 24-hour endless cycle.

Ron, there's something

that you should know.

Shh, shh. You needn't

say a word.

But Ron, I wasn't myself.

I was angry, I was consumed

with ambition and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, my little chinchilla.

If it wasn't

for my stupid pride,

we wouldn't be here right now.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen,

Miss Corningstone.

In 10 minutes,

we're going live.

At that point, you will read

our statement.

The hell I will.

Then we kill you.

Go ahead. I am an anchor

and I would rather die

than lose my credibility.

I'll do it.

I've just been informed

by law enforcement

that this is the largest

search-and-rescue operation

ever to be conducted

in the San Diego metropolitan area.

ls this worth our tax dollars?

Maybe it is. You decide that.

One thing here today

is for sure, though,

this is a frightening

and confusing story.

But I'm here for you, San Diego.

Go on, pull up a chair.

Put your hand on the TV set.

We'll get through

this thing together.

I am Wes Mantooth,

journalist, friend...

human being.

Brad:
Listen up, everybody. We're going

live on the air in two minutes.

Ron:

I'm ready to go here.

But I have to be honest with you--

this copy you've handed me,

it's not your best work.

It's awful. But I can't possibly

read this on the air.

Besides, it needs to be typed

and preferably double-spaced.

Courier, Helvetica, Monaco,

I don't know.

Okay, all right, enough.

I'm-- I'm almost finished.

I'm almost done.

I've just got to...

- do this one part here.

- Man! What the hell, Paul?

You been writing that manifesto

for three months, man.

- Read it before I kick your ass.

- Yeah, you jive turkey, read it.

You wanna hear the manifesto?

Okay, fine, here it is!

Here is how The Alarm Clock

will change the world forever!

All right, you know how

when we...

drink beer or soda,

and then we throw out

the bottles and cans?

Well, how about we start saving

those bottles and cans?

Reuse them.

You are a lunatic.

Yeah, you'd need a whole 'nother

garbage can for the bottles.

- People would never do that.

- Well, wait, what about--

you didn't let me get to the part

about electric cars

so we don't have to be

dependent on foreign oil!

Electric cars?

Man, are you high right now?

You are, aren't you?

I know you took some of my weed!

- Oh, oh, oh!

- Some of my weed is missing

out of my purse.

It was you!

I would just shoot him

right now.

We gotta-- we gotta

let the people know

that meat is good for you,

and potatoes make you fat!

Oh, man.

You know what? I cannot believe

I did you in the hammock.

I gave you all my Juicy Fruit,

and then you treat me like this.

- I have had it!

- We can't read this crap on the air.

We should all have computers

in our houses, every one of us,

so that we could talk to each other

- with the computers.

- Mm-hmm. That's gonna happen.

Huh-uh, now you're talkin' crazy.

Man, did you eat lunch today?

Man, you'll make us look like

we some kind of joke.

Man, this guy's a fake.

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