Waking Up in Reno Page #7

RO Y:
You sure there's no way

they could be wrong?

Hey, son,

you better get in here.

Your eggs are gonna get crusty.

How's it possible?

I can't find any midgets.

Well, you might try under "L"

for "little people."

RO Y:
Yeah, okay.

Honey, hurry up.

I gotta see

if we can book that chapel.

Okay.

Bye.

I swear to God,

if I don't get any midgets,

I'm gonna be so upset.

I can't have this wedding

without midgets.

DARLENE:
You'll have a beautiful

weddin' no matter what.

What's wrong, honey?

Well, I was just talkin'

to Doc Tuley,

and he just told me that...

He said I can't have babies.

[Laughter]

That's funny.

That's cute, baby.

What do you mean,

we can't have babies?

No, not "we."

Me.

I didn't tell you 'cause

I didn't want you worryin',

but I had

some fertility tests done

'cause we been tryin' and

weren't gettin' nowhere and...

[Sighs]

Well, anyway, the tests

came back from Little Rock,

and my tadpoles ain't swimmin'.

Roy, it's just a mistake.

They made a mistake because,

in case you forgot,

I'm definitely pollinated.

No, they said

it's a for-sure thing.

- It can't be a for-sure thing.

- Damn it!

They sent the samples off

to a dang laboratory.

They ain't gonna be wrong

in a laboratory.

They gotta be wrong, because

I can't be pregnant unless...

What was that?

What was what?

- That look.

- What look?

The look you two just gave

each other.

Oh, that was no look.

Darlene, I'm so sorry.

What do you mean,

you're sorry?

I'm so sorry, Darlene.

What are you sorry about?

For God's sake, you looked

at me, and I looked at you.

People can look at one another,

can't they?

Not that like, they can't.

Oh, God.

Please...

Please forgive me.

Oh.

Forgive you for what?

What do you mean, forgive you?

[Laughing]

This is ridiculous.

Will y'all hold on?

Am I missin' somethin' here?

Oh, for cryin' out loud,

Roy, don't you see?

This isn't Reno.

This is "Melrose Place."

Huh?

My husband has been doin'

your wife.

No.

Yes.

Ain't that the shits?

I think y'all are jumpin'

the gun.

Shut up!

Oh, just shut up, Lonnie Earl!

God damn it!

[Crying]

Quit acting like such an ass!

You blew it!

You're the one that got

pregnant!

She's the one got pregnant.

Sh*t.

You insensitive son of a b*tch!

[Door opens, slams]

CAND Y:
[Crying]

Darlene, I know!

I'm so sorry!

He's an a**hole!

DARLENE:

He's an a**hole?!

Hey, Roy, listen,

I'm sorry, man.

You're my best friend.

Listen, you got to believe me.

This didn't have a f***in' thing

to do with you.

She's my wife!

DARLENE:
Tramp!

Bastard!

Oh. [Sobs]

Darlene, please wait.

[Sighs]

Darlene...

Darlene, please wait.

Shut up.

Come on.

We have to talk about this.

You're my best friend.

Best friends?

Best friends don't do that

to best friends.

Enjoying your stay, sir?

Oh, shut up.

Okay, then.

[Door opens, slams]

I've known you

since the third grade.

Just how long have you two

been visitin' Sin City?

Twice.

Just two times.

I swear to God, that's it.

What are you doin'?

Baby, we need to talk.

Not now, Roy!

Can't you see I'm tryin'

to console Darlene?!

Oh, I don't want your consolin'!

That's your husband!

He's the one who needs

your consolin'!

I'm fine.

That's okay.

You can go first.

Damn it, Roy!

Show some backbone, will you?!

Why are you mad at me?!

Why are you yellin' at him?

He's just tryin' to be nice.

Shut up, whore!

LONNIE EARL:

All right, Roy.

Come on, hit me.

- What?

- Hit me.

I got it comin' to me.

It'll make you feel better.

It'll make me feel better.

- You're gonna hit me back.

- I promise I won't hit back.

Okay, come on!

Oh, my God!

Lonnie Earl!

Get off! Get off me!

Get off him, you bastard!

You hit him!

You hit me

and then sleep with my wife!

And you hit me!

It was just a reflex action.

That's all it was.

You really gotta

keep it down in...

Get the f*** out!!

Yeah.

Hold on.

Hey, listen.

I got a great idea, okay?

I know how to fix everything.

Darlene and Roy

got to sleep together.

It'll make it even.

It's like a dealer trade-in.

- You are such a sick f***!

- What?

Have you finally lost

your mind?!

And if I wanted a make-up f***,

it would be with Tony Orlando!

Jesus, help me.

I feel so raw,

like I haven't got any skin!

This is wrong.

It's just wrong.

I know. It's wrong.

And if I could

just wiggle my nose

like Samantha on "Bewitched"

and make this all go away,

Darlene, I would.

You'd probably call up

Aunt Clara,

and Lonnie Earl

would f*** her, too.

Hey... Whoa. Whoa.

Hey, honey, listen.

Listen. Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down!

Calm down. Let me go with you

and we'll talk.

I don't want to be around you.

I don't want to be around

any of you.

No. Darlene...

You're gonna need

your eyedrops.

My eyes are just fine.

They're just fine.

I don't need 'em.

Everything's crystal clear.

Please don't go.

Darlene, wait a minute.

[Breathing heavily]

[Elevator bell chimes]

[Sniffles]

Hello.

This is definitely the shits.

I'm sorry, Roy.

You know what?

Sorry just ain't cuttin' it

right now, Lonnie Earl.

[Crying] Sugar kitten?

I'm in hell.

I hope everybody's happy.

[Sighs]

[Breathing heavily]

Friends?

Sh*t! F***!

[Panting, sniffles]

[Crying]

Car number 5394, please.

Yes.

You have a good day, too.

Darlene, wait!

You don't want to leave

like this.

Don't tell me what I want.

I'm sick and tired of people

tellin' me what I want to do!

God, I f***ed up.

I'm so sorry, hon.

We have to talk about this.

We're too close

to throw away what we got.

What we got?!

We got a f***in' mess

is what we got!

And I had nothin'

to do with it!

[Sniffles]

Yes, you did.

Oh, excuse me?

You did have somethin' to do

with it, Darlene.

Hell, Lonnie Earl was cryin'

for your attention,

and you refused to see it.

So he came to me to talk

about it,

and I was just tryin' to be

your friend, so I listened.

And before you knew it, he was

spinnin' you like a helicopter.

You b*tch.

And you call yourself

my friend.

You're damn right I do.

[Panting]

In case you forgot,

I tried to talk to you

about it, too,

and you kept tryin' to

convince me and yourself

that everything was great,

that life was just

one big bowl of cherries!

Oh, go away!

You know what?

You're a f***in' mole.

And I'm not talkin' about that

thing on Cindy Crawford's lips.

I'm talkin' about rodents that

bury themselves in the ground.

They got eyes, but since they

don't use 'em, they can't see.

Come on, elevator.

Just go ahead.

Just run away, Darlene,

like you always do.

Just so you don't

have to face anything.

Shut up.

You've got the world

by its balls,

and you don't even know it!

[Panting]

And you know why?

Because you're always throwing

some goddamn Darlene pity party!

Mopin' around

in those stupid overalls,

feelin' sorry for yourself,

hidin' behind your kids!

God, you've got this prison

built into your head,

and you just love living there!

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