War, Inc. Page #5

suit necktie piece of sh*t!

Take a rain check on that.

Out of the Emerald City?

In fact, baby, the money is right,

I can take you to Chechnya.

I could scrape together a thousand dollars.

Honey, for a thousand dollar we take you to Starbucks.

So, we open on her, she's like Snow White.

Then he arrives. A two-shot, like in,

Ford's My Darling Clementine.

When Victor Mature returns to her.

F*** film, a**holes.

I want her on all fours.

Waiting for her phallic warlord, Ooq-Mi-Fay.

I know it's none of my business,

what are you guys talking about?

We're shooting the wedding night's video.

Yeah, check it out. We already made the card.

My God.

- How much you guys want for this?

- 500 bucks.

I'll give you 50 right now, cash.

Done.

Washington's all a-twitter by

allegations from a journalist...

that the son of a top Turaqi political leader...

and his pop star bride are involved...

in a pornographic video of their own wedding night.

Expo Turaqistan. Out of the frying pan into the fire?

How in the f*** did this Hegalhuzen

b*tch get a hold of this story?

Well, it hardly matters now.

The network might cancel their coverage and we own them.

We got riots going on in 14 cities across Central Asia.

Maybe the best thing to do would

be to call the wedding off.

Have you lost your mind? Just handle it.

I always do.

Do you think I have no feelings?

This is what I am to you?

- A whore? And you are my pimp?

- No, baby, no, baby.

You were going to sell a tape of our wedding night?

I was gonna give you half of the money.

I did it for the money.

There will be ample time for loving recriminations.

But let's deal with this from a practical perspective.

What if we publically remove one of his testicles?

- Dad, please!

- Shut up.

That's not an entirely unappealing suggestion...

but I'm not sure if that really

gets us where we wanna go.

Honestly, your Excellency, if we're gonna

pull this off so a man of your stature...

you know, a four-time convicted

extortionist and an embezzler like...

yourself is to lead Turaqistan to

its bright and shining future...

Yonica's bridegroom must be blamelessly pristine.

In other words, we need a fall guy.

How about your homeboy outside

with the perforated septum?

P- per... what?

Go, Marsha. Go, Marsha. You're so fine.

I'm gonna make her change her mind!

I have a can of Mace!

And I will use it! Sit down!

I think Bodhi organized this whole thing

and you didn't know anything about it.

Yeah, of course, man. I didn't know sh*t.

But, you know, we wanna be culturally sensitive here.

What is the traditional punishment

for pimping a pop star?

- Wow, that's f***ing cold, Pop.

- Shut up.

Drowning in sheep dung.

Marsha will make the arrangements.

All right. We've dealt with the groom. Now for the bride.

20 minutes on TV and the world will

know that this sweet, young girl...

would never participate in such

a foul, foul enterprise. Right?

And, Yonica, you didn't know anything about this.

So it has the added benefit of being

true, as my father used to say.

All right. We'll announce the execution tonight.

We'll do the interview tomorrow...

and we go ahead with the wedding

and close the whole damn show.

I think we got this worked out, don't you?

- Great.

- All right. Good to see you.

No, no, no...

Thank you so much, sir.

Yonica... Honey! Honey!

Yonica, Yonica!

Thank you. I like bag.

Marsha. Get me Katie Couric, Al Jazeera

and a hundred gallons of sheep sh*t.

Slaves, but...

Slaves, plebians, patricians, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Pax Romana...

Virginia's number one Roman-era theme park.

The glory that was Rome. The grandeur that was Six Flags.

Unfortunately the financing fell

through in the real estate crash...

and the whole place went down the

toilet. But it makes my point.

Which is...?

Every empire is summed up in Rome. The Romans, Hauser.

Dudes of the human race. Torch-bearers of culture.

You and I are Centurions.

Honor bound to defend civilization

against the Barbarians.

Let's cut the sh*t, Walken.

I like killing people as much as the next guy...

but I signed up to kill the bad ones.

Health clinics, trade unionists...

journalists, agricultural co-ops,

Catholic liberation theologians...

impoverished Colombian coffee farmers...

These are barbarians, the depraved

opponents of civilization?

We turned Central America into a f***ing graveyard.

Whoever momentarily interrupts

the accumulation of our wealth...

we pulverize.

I'm just not feeling good about that anymore, sir.

Then do what you have to do, son.

Thank you for understanding, sir.

- Oh! You a**hole.

- Weapon, please?

Let's walk and talk.

You didn't really think I'd let you go, did you?

- I was kinda hoping you might, yeah.

- For her?

Please, Walken. We had such a good working relationship.

Let's not end it like this, like savages in a theme park.

You get the thumbs down from the crowd, Hauser.

You're obsolete, dude.

Past your expiration date, discontinued.

Garbagio, as they say in Latin.

Relegated to the trash bin of history.

You shouldn't rummage in the garbage. F***.

Is this one of those plastic toys you can choke on?

You mother f***er!

Help! I get it. I get it. Help! Turn it off!

Ten minutes with Katie Couric would

get you ten times the audience...

of a whole season of Frontline. Now, that's a fact.

Yeah, but wh-why would they want me to do the interview?

You? Your uncompromising integrity...

your movie star good looks and

I don't think Katie Couric...

wants to come to this beautiful f***ing vacation spot.

You know I'm not gonna do a P.R. puff piece, right?

Just do the story. Get the real girl.

The real girl? Is there anything real left to get?

Can she actually talk?

She's just a needy little kid, Natalie.

I know, and she's spoiled, she's

over-sexed, she's tone deaf.

Well she's a brand, Hauser.

Stuff happens. She needs a mom.

- Yeah. And don't look at me.

- I like looking at you.

You can say anything you want, okay?

No holds barred delay. I'll make it live.

You're crazy. This b*tch hates me.

- She doesn't hate you.

- She hates me.

- No she doesn't.

- She does. I know.

Yeah, hello.

I have lists of Omar's whereabouts.

I'll get to it.

- Put your seatbelt on.

- F*** off.

Sh*t.

So we're all set?

This sucks. I hate this.

- What sucks, sweetheart?

- This location.

What's wrong with it?

I am not liking it. It blows.

This is 2000 years of Turaqi culture.

It's a nice spot for it, actually.

Okay, sweetie?

I want to do it...

there.

- We're all set up right here.

- There or nowhere.

Okay?

There's nice too.

Hello.

Hello.

What is this place?

Beautiful.

You see? She's just a needy little kid.

This light is so cool.

Look at this!

Be careful.

I want to do it here. Come, inspect this from me.

Beautiful.

This place is so sad. I love that.

I'm going to see the rest.

Hey, cowboy. You happen to have a Cliff bar?

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