War of the Buttons Page #5

- (Both spit)

- (All) Yeah!

The great battle of Kinsale had been

a disaster for the huge Spanish army,

who`d come to help the lrish in their fight

against their common enemy.

Elizabeth.

(Laughter)

The O`Driscolls,

the great clan of these parts,

had lent their castles to these Spanish,

in exchange

for fresh cannon and ammunition.

Buttons.

- Buttons.

- Did you say something, Riley?

I said buttons, sir.

That`s all.

With regard to what?

Nothing, sir.

Then button it,

or l`ll button it for you, OK?

Sir.

And now, to their horror,

the O`Driscolls realised

that their defeated allies

were bent on handing the castles over

to the enemy,

as part of their grubby terms of surrender.

- The O`Driscolls would have none of this...

- (Kids) Yeah!

..and led by the chief of the clan,

they set about retrieving their homes

and their honour.

So Bunduff, their main castle

was besieged,

- and the Spaniards thrown out.

- (Cheering)

But...the victorious O`Driscolls joy

was short-lived,

and l`ll tell you about that next week.

(All) Oh, sir!

(Master) Have a good weekend.

Maybe they won`t come.

They`ll come.

They`re here, the Ballys are here.

- Where are they?

- (All murmuring)

Quiet!

(Buttons jingling, rattling)

(All cheer)

Would you look at that.

He`s got himself a horse.

You can give up now

and we`ll let you home,

if you shout Ballydowse is the best

and will be to the end of the world.

(All cheer)

You`re all blather.

Come up here and get us if you dare,

- and we`ll show you who`s best.

- (All) Yeah!

All right, then, to the death!

Prepare for attack. Just keep them

down there, we`re relying on you.

For England and St George?

(Tuts) Shut up, will you.

Are you ready, me buckos?

(All cheer)

For Ballydowse and lreland.

- Charge!

- (Whinnies)

(Shouting)

Fire!

Fire!

(All shouting)

Charge!

Come on, get `em!

Charge!

(Shouting)

Fire at will!

Empty the buckets.

Hold them off the stairs.

(Horse whinnying)

(Shouting, screaming)

(Cries of pain)

Get into `em! Get into `em!

Come on, boys, get `em!

Aargh!

Aargh!

Get back out there!

You`ll never get me, Fergie!

Gorilla!

Get him, Tich.

(Whinnying)

Aargh!

(Battle cry

Come on, Boffin boy.

Aargh!

Fergus, help me!

Go on, go on, go on!

Go on, lads, get into `em! Come on!

Aargh!

Get out of it!

Geronimo!

Give us your knife, Pat.

They`ve got Geronimo! Geronimo!

- Bally forever!

- Get out of it!

(Jeering and shouting)

(Jeering)

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

(All cheer)

(Cheering)

Yeah!

(Jeering)

(Bus driver) Carrickdowse.

Wait a minute.

- Bye.

- Thank you very much.

- How are you, Mick, how`s it going?

- Cyril!

Shift yourself.

Shift yourself.

- Are you well?

- Not bad, not bad.

Where are you off to?

I`m off to town.

Hi, Geronimo.

It`s Jerome to you.

I`m in to pick up the hoover,

blew up last week. Yourself?

I`m going in to pay for the new tractor.

Mortgaged up to the hairs on me head,

God help me,

but she`s worth it, every penny.

Bang up to date.

(Cheering)

Quiet, everyone.

Boffin will make the opening speech.

(Cheering)

Now our battle`s won and oh, what fun

to see the Carricks on the run,

on Murphy`s Dunes, Gleniff as well,

and Bunduff too, it`s true to tell,

we sent them packing, back to hell.

(Cheering)

So, here`s to Fergus and Marie,

Fat Pat, Fishy, Tim and me,

Tich and Peter, Cons big and small,

and all who answer to Bally`s call.

So get around and we`ll rejoice

and sing of victory in one loud voice,

and of time`s to come, we`ll recall,

with the help of these trophies

on the wall,

the boys of Bally, hear us all.

(All cheer)

Right, a toast!

To the siege of Bunduff Castle.

(All cheer)

Where we made the Carricks

paddle in their own shite.

- Hey, language! We`re not like them.

- (All cheer)

One, two, three.

Come on, Marie.

Go on, Marie.

(Cheering)

Go on, Marie, go!

Where are you going?

I`ll be ten minutes, Dad.

I`m checking the oil.

Kids nowadays, huh?

Technological geniuses.

He`s a great mechanic,

brilliant with his hands.

Isn`t that a Carrick boy

that just jumped on?

Eh?

(Penny whistles playing, cheering)

Yee-ha!

Go on. Go on, show us how to dance!

(Vehicle approaches)

Quiet!

- lt`s only a tractor.

- lt`s somebody ploughing.

- On a Sunday?

- In the woods?

- It is a tractor.

- Whose is it?

Can`t see. It`s blue.

Who`s got a blue tractor?

Flamin` heck - Riley!

- What?

- His dad bought a new one yesterday.

Showed it to me daddy,

proud as punch.

What colour was it?

Blue, and Riley`s riding on the back of it.

(Yelling)

(Yells)

Beats your horse, eh, Fergus?

Beats your flamin` horse!

(All yell in alarm)

Aargh!

(Screams)

(Coughs)

(Metallic thud)

He made me do it.

He made me give him the keys.

My dad`s new tractor!

The tractor!

What am I gonna do?

(Roars)

I`ll kill you, l`ll kill you!

Get up!

Look at it.

You`ve destroyed our house!

We worked for it, built it ourselves,

and you made us run.

Helped a Carrick and made us run.

They`ll laugh at us

until the end of the world.

Stick a needle in his eyes.

Make him eat horse crap.

Burn him!

Burn the traitor`s feet.

(All) Yeah!

Take off your clothes.

Please...

Take `em off!

All of them!

You betrayed us,

betrayed us all.

Please!

Please don`t torture me.

We won`t touch you.

Burn them.

Now get off home.

We`ll let your daddy do the hurting.

(Mooing)

Come out, come out, the lot of you!

Come out!

Come out,

the lot of yous!

Don`t be shy.

Come out and see

what your brave boys have done.

All of `em.

Hooligans!

Animals!

Drunk!

They stripped him,

and tortured him,

and wrecked my new tractor!

I`m telling yous all now,

l`m warning yous,

expect a letter,

legal proceedings are underway,

and I intend to sue

every last one of you,

for every penny you`ve got.

Didn`t I tell you it was that boy, Fergus?

He`s the bloody ringleader.

And it`s always the poor parents

who have to suffer.

Keep your heads up, lads.

Remember, we won the war, didn`t we?

(All) Yeah.

What do you think they`ll do to us?

- Who cares?

- Maybe he hasn`t told them.

He`d have to,

he didn`t have any clothes on.

(All laugh)

What do we do now?

Little Con, you go first with Tich.

- You`re only kids, they won`t blame you.

- l`m not going.

We`ll all go together,

get it over with. OK, Fergus?

No, they`ll send me away.

After what he`ll have said we`ve done,

I won`t stand a chance.

We didn`t do anything.

Do you think they`ll believe that?

(Tim) He`s right. Come on, Marie.

- But where will you go?

- Somewhere where they won`t find me.

- Good luck.

- l`ll be OK.

(All) Bye, Fergus.

Little Con... you lead us in.

Me?

(Shouts of pain)

Had a good hiding, has he?

- What does it look like?

- I should bloody hope so!

Deserves to be put away, if you ask me.

Who`s asking you?

What about your kids, huh? Running around

like animals, tearing up good clothes?

Typical Ballydowse,

always a bunch of maniacs.

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