We Are Your Friends Page #5

THAT WE USUALLY DO...

BUT IF YOU WERE TO SIGN THE DEED

OF YOUR HOUSE OVER TO US...

I COULD OFFER YOU

A $20,000 REBATE

RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT.

YOU'RE OFFERING TO BUY

MY HOUSE FOR $20,000,

BUT IT'S WORTH $300,000.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S JUS A NUMBER, RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT REALLY

DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

YOU SEE, THAT NUMBER

DOESN'T MATTER

BECAUSE YOU'RE

IN FORECLOSURE.

SEE, YOU COULD LOSE YOUR HOUSE,

GET NOTHING,

OR...SIGN IT OVER TO US.

I'LL RENT IT BACK TO YOU AND

I'LL DO IT AT A LOWER RATE.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WE JUST DID:

MORE FOR THAT WOMAN

THAN ANY BANK EVER COULD.

YOU JUST STOLE:

HER F***ING HOUSE.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE JUST MADE REAL F***IN' MONEY

IN THERE, YOU GOT THAT?

REAL F***IN' MONEY.

DID YOU SEE THAT CHANDELIER?

I WILL SELL THIS PLACE

FOR 500, 600 GRAND EASY.

SELL IT?

YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE GONNA

RENT IT BACK TO HER.

THIS GUY.

YOU GOTTA RELAX, KID.

I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT DOIN' I OVERNIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

F***, MAN!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

LISTEN.

EVERYBODY IS RESPONSIBLE

FOR THEMSELVES.

YOU GOT THAT?

YOU JUST WALKED IN THAT HOUSE,

YOU EARNED YOURSELF

A $15,000 BONUS.

NOW, DO YOU WANT THAT MONEY

OR ARE YOU TOO UPSET?

KNOW WHY THE DINING

EXPERIENCE IS SUB-PAR IN L.A.?

BECAUSE THE RESTAURANT STAFF

IS BIDING THEIR TIME

UNTIL THEY LAND A SITCOM.

THEY CAN REMEMBER

THEIR LINES...

BUT THEY CAN'T REMEMBER

MY F***ING ORDER.

WELL, IT GO A GOOD REVIEW ONLINE.

OH, YES, THE HIGH-MINDED PEOPLE

OF THE INTERNET HATH SPOKEN.

THE HIGH-MINDED PEOPLE

OF THE INTERNE SPEAK HIGHLY OF YOU.

YEAH. SHOWS YOU

HOW MUCH THEY KNOW.

HEY.

HEY.

ANOTHER DRINK?

I CAN'T TALK

WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

OH, LIKE WHAT?

WHOA.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. COME ON.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME CAKE.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAN.

COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE.

YEAH.

TAKE THAT. TAKE IT,

TAKE IT, TAKE IT.

THANKS.

SO, YOU WANT A PIECE

WITH A BLUEBERRY ON IT?

OH, THIS IS GOOD.

COLE?

IT'S SO GOOD, BABY.

IT REALLY IS.

YOU KNOW I HATE MY BIRTHDAY.

I GOT IT.

NOW I HATE IT, TOO.

SOPH.

ALL RIGHT,

YOU'RE GONNA MISS OUT.

COLE AND I ARE GONNA EA THIS ENTIRE THING.

DO WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU ALWAYS DO.

YES.

IT'S A GOOD PHILOSOPHY.

IF EVERYBODY DID

WHAT THEY WANTED...

THE WORLD WOULD BE

A HAPPIER PLACE.

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY.

YOU'RE DRUNK.

I'M JUST GONNA GO.

NO, NO, NO, STAY.

APPARENTLY THIS:

IS MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

AND WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE.

SOPHIE, COME ON,

LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

SOPHIE.

GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!

IS THIS THE PAR WHERE I GO REDEEM MYSELF?

COME ON.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

YEAH!

SUMMERFEST.

CHEERS.

IT'S GONNA BE A BLAST,

MAN. YOU THINK YOU'RE READY?

THIS COULD BE:

YOUR BIG LAUNCH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, A LOTTA YOUNG DJs

GOT THEIR START AT SUMMERFEST.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

I FEEL LIKE:

YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME.

I GOTTA PISS.

I'M NOT FEELIN' SO HOT.

JESUS! YOU BROKE

THE SEAL TOO EARLY.

YOU ARE SO TALENTED.

WOW.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

YOU REALLY SHOULDN' DRINK WHISKEY.

WHAT'S THAT?

IS THAT YOUR PHONE?

HEY. ANSWER YOUR

F***IN' PHONE, COLE!

WHO IS THAT?

WHAT THE F***'S

YOUR PROBLEM?

LET'S SEE WHO THE F***

IS CALLING YOU AT 1:00 AM.

SHE PROBABLY WANTS

TO TALK ABOUT YOU.

YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SH*T.

DID YOU F*** HER?

WHAT? F***!

DID YOU F*** HER?

AAH!

WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT?!

FOUR YEARS OF MMA,

EMPHASIS ON MUAY THAI.

THIS IS YOUR THING, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU LIKE TO FIGHT.

COME ON, GET UP.

YOU DON'T GIVE A SHI ABOUT HER, MAN.

WHAT, YOU THINK BECAUSE

YOU WENT OUT TO VEGAS

AND YOU F***ED HER THA YOU KNOW SOMETHING I DON'T?

SHE LOVES YOU,

YOU LOSER.

OH, I'M A LOSER?

SAYS THE GUY WITH THE

DRUG-DEALER FRIENDS AND NO CAR.

YOU'RE ALL TALK, MAN.

YOU THINK:

YOU'RE SOME MUSICAL GENIUS?

MAYBE YOU USED TO BE

GOOD...

NOW YOU'RE JUS A DRUNK SELL-OUT...

COLLECTING A CHECK.

YOU LISTEN TO ME,

YOU WEASELY LITTLE C*NT.

YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING

ABOUT ME.

THE THINGS:

I WALK AROUND WITH.

WHAT ARE YOU,

23 YEARS OLD?

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ALIVE

LONG ENOUGH:

TO UNDERSTAND THE MEANING

OF THE WORD "IRREPARABLE."

BUT AT SOME POIN IN YOUR LIFE,

THERE ARE GONNA BE THINGS...

THAT FINISH YOU.

AND THERE WON'T BE A DAMN THING

YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

WHY'D YOU SHAVE IT?

GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.

DUDE,

WHY'D YOU DO THAT, MAN?

I WAS JUST GETTING USED

TO F***IN' HANGIN' OU WITH BURT REYNOLDS.

YOU LOOK LIKE:

YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD NOW.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I DON'T WANNA

TALK ABOUT IT.

F***ING DEPRESSING IN HERE.

LET'S GET SOME SUSHI.

NICE.

AFTER WE EAT,

I GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL

TO SHOW YOU GUYS.

WHOA.

I'M GONNA JOIN 'EM.

SORRY ABOU SUMMERFEST, MAN.

I KNOW:

YOU WOULD'VE KILLED IT.

I'VE BEEN APPLYING FOR JOBS

AT A FEW PLACES.

ENTRY LEVEL POSITIONS.

WAIT,

ARE YOU RECORDING THIS?

WHAT, YOU DON'T WANNA KEEP

WORKING WITH THE GROUP?

I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU?

DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE

THERE'S A LOT MORE

WE COULD BE DOING?

LIKE,

MORE QUALITY STUFF?

YEAH, DUDE,

THIS IS F***IN' TEMPORARY.

YOU THINK WE SIGNED UP FOR

A LIFETIME IN REAL ESTATE?

AND IT'S NOT TEMPORARY.

WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN

THOSE GUYS.

I MEAN, COLE...

ARE WE EVER GONNA BE BETTER

THAN THIS?

I THOUGHT WE SAID

HOLLYWOOD HILLS,

NOT GRANADA HILLS.

IT'S A STEPPING STONE,

AND IT GETS US ALL

OUT OF OUR UNSATISFACTORY

RESPECTIVE SITUATIONS.

COLE, COME HERE,

CHECK THIS SH*T OUT.

THIS RIGHT HERE.

IT'S YOUR STUDIO.

SOUNDPROOF THE WALLS.

WHAT DO YOU GIVE TO A MAN

WHO HAS EVERYTHING?

JUST MORE OF THAT MAN.

AND THIS...THIS IS ME.

OF COURSE.

YOU'LL ALL

BE VERY HAPPY TO KNOW

THAT THERE'S

A CENTRAL AC UNIT.

HUH?

WHAT IF SOMEBODY WANTS

TO MOVE OUT?

F***IN' MOVE OUT.

WE'LL FILL IT IN

WITH SOME CRAIGSLIST.

HOW MUCH?

$750.

YOU GOT THE BIGGEST ROOM,

I NOTICED.

YEAH.

WELL, IT'S A FINDER'S FEE.

YOU PAY 900, WE PAY 700.

GREAT.

OKAY.

WHO IS THIS FOR?

HUH?

YOU ALREADY RENTED IT?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

HERE YOU GO.

OH, DUDE,

I FORGOT THE BEST PART.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELCOME TO THE DREAM,

B*TCHES.

GET IN,

THE WATER'S WARM!

DO A BACK FLIP,

SQUIRREL!

GET IN!

YEAH!

WE F***IN' MADE IT.

WE MADE IT.

BRING IT IN REAL QUICK.

BRING IT IN.

OH, MAN.

CAN YOU STOP SMACKING

ON THAT...

DUDE,

I'M F***ING DYING HERE.

I'M LITERALLY DYING.

HEY, WHAT WAS THE NAME

OF THE BLONDE CHICK

THAT WAS PLAYING THE...

CHICKEN FIGHTS?

I THINK I BANGED HER.

THIS HOUSE IS GONNA

GET US ARRESTED, MAN.

YOU GUYS SEEN WHAT HAPPENED

IN THAT BATHROOM?

IT'S F***IN'

YO, SQUIRREL,

WHAT WAS THE NAME

OF THAT F***IN' BLONDE CHICK

THAT I WAS WITH?

YO, THIS GUY WAS A F***IN'

LEGEND LAST NIGHT.

SQUIRRELLY BIRD, I SALUTE YOU.

SQUIRREL. HEY, WHO WAS THA BLONDE B*TCH YESTERDAY?

REMEMBER?

HEY. WAKE UP.

YO, SQUIRREL.

OH, F***.

SQUIRREL. YO, COLE.

HE'S F***ING GRAY, DUDE.

WHAT?

HE'S COLD, MAN.

HIS F***IN' LIPS...

SQUIRREL, WAKE UP!

SQUIRREL!

MASE, WHAT'S THE ADDRESS?

YO, HE'S NO BREATHING, GUYS!

WHAT'S THE ADDRESS?!

HE'S NO F***IN' BREATHING!

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW

THE F***ING...?! F***!

OLLIE, OLLIE, HE'S NO F***IN' BREATHING, MAN.

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