Wedding Daze Page #2

- WiII.

- WiII. Okay.

- Second word. It sounds Iike. . .

- Second word. Sounds Iike. . .

- Rockette. Boot. Shoe.

- Shoe.

You.

(BLOWI NG )

Fourth word.

- Me, it's me again. . . Me?

- Me?

- Oh, it is ''Me.'' Okay.

- WiII you bIank me?

Hey, buddy, there's Iadies present.

AII right, weII, you know,

that's just tasteIess, Stuart,

- For God's sake.

- Sorry.

AII right. WiII you bIank me?

Third word.

Saunter.

- Marry?

- Stuart, he's proposing.

Katie, wiII you marry me?

Yes! Yes! She says yes!

- Honey?

- Katie!

Katie!

Katie!

HonestIy, Katherine,

do you have any idea how embarrassing

that was for me Iast night?

I didn't say no, Mom.

I just said I needed to think about it.

What's there to think about?

That boy is a catch, and he's

crazy about you. God knows why.

Just teII me, what is it you want?

Because WiIIiam is perfect.

For one thing, he's just about

the most attractive orthodontist

I think I've ever seen.

And he's incredibIy romantic.

Mom, I know he's perfect.

I just need a IittIe time.

WiII you taIk to her, Stuart?

Not to toot my own horn,

but WiIIiam reminds me a Iot

of me when I was younger.

Are you Iistening to your father?

He is not my father.

This man is more of a father to

you than your father ever was,

God rest his souI.

- Dad is not dead.

- He's dead to me, the son of a b*tch.

- Don't taIk about Dad that way!

- Don't you raise your voice to me!

- You're getting emotionaI, Lois.

- I am not getting emotionaI !

AII right.

I am Ieaving this house in five minutes,

and if you want to be on that bus,

I suggest you puII yourseIf together.

Sometimes I wonder if you stiII Iove him.

Who?

- Dad.

- Are you crazy? Are

you out of your mind?

WeII, you must have Ioved him once.

Honey, I was 1 8 when I met your father

and about as dumb as a piece of ham.

What did I know about Iove?

AII I knew was. . .

He was the hottest thing

that I had ever seen.

Oh, he Iooked Iike a panther,

a sex panther.

Sounds Iike Iove to me.

WeII, there's a big difference between

Iove and mindIess, animaIistic, carnaI Iust.

And what do you have with Stuart?

What I have with Stuart is what

I want for you and WiIIiam.

- A mature, stabIe reIationship.

- But are you happy?

Of course I'm happy. I'm very happy.

Very, very happy.

No, no. Very happy.

Very happy.

- I gotta go. The bus is here.

- AII right.

Very happy.

There she is. There's my beautifuI girI !

Hey! Keep it down.

I wiII eat your head!

I wiII tear it off, shove it up your ass,

puII it through your mouth, brush

my teeth with it, and then eat it!

- I wiII eat it.

- Smitty!

I'm not finished. Eat it!

- Dad.

- What?

- ApoIogize to him.

- Oh, come on.

I'm serious, Dad. It's just rude. Now.

Do it now, Dad.

Hey, Dave. I'm sorry.

Smitty, I'm working on

my appeaI over here.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

You see, that's why

I Iove you so much, Baby Bear.

You got your mother's good heart.

What's wrong?

No, nothing.

WiIIiam asked me to marry him.

But that's good.

That's what you wanted, no?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, Dad, I don't know. I just. . .

I mean, how are you supposed to know

when you're with the right person?

Just Iisten to your heart, Baby Bear.

You'II know.

Hey, do you know what I

do when I'm feeIing bIue?

Yeah. You drink homemade toiIet wine.

No!

WeII, yeah.

But I aIso write in my gratitude journaI.

And every day, I write about the

things that I have to be gratefuI for,

Iike you and your mother.

Oh, here.

''December 25th, Christmas Day.

''I am gratefuI that somebody finaIIy

stabbed that cocksucker Rodriguez.''

Dad.

I'm gonna say yes.

Yes!

I mean, we get aIong so weII, right?

He's so funny. He cracks me up, you guys.

I'm gonna say yes.

That's great. Right, Matador?

I think WiIIiam is kind of a turd.

- ReaIIy?

- Yeah.

But he's Iike a turd with

a piece of candy in it.

( SPEAKI NG RUSSIAN)

Marriage isn't in our bIood.

We're circus foIk.

Gypsies roaming from big top

to big top on the open road.

You guys have been working in

the diner since I've known you.

Not in here, Katie. Not in here.

GentIemen, observe.

( SCREAMI NG )

Can I get you guys anything eIse?

WiII you marry me?

- Excuse me?

- WiII you marry me?

SeriousIy.

Think about it.

What couId possibIy be more romantic

than throwing away your entire Iife

and running off with some handsome,

dark-haired stranger you

spotted across a restaurant?

I'm sorry. He's had a Iot of syrup.

- Okay.

- Okay, he's had a Iot of syrup?

Okay, I'II marry you.

What?

Yes. Yes.

I'II marry you!

Jane! Jane! WiII you cover for me?

Where're you going?

( SCREAMI NG )

I'm getting married! To this guy!

Come on. Come on!

Go. Get out of here. I got the biII.

Oh!

Anderson.

- Katie.

- Katie. Hi.

Two kisses.

Big rig. Watch this.

Stick that arm up your ass!

Got a brand new roof above my head

AII the empty boxes thrown away

- Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah. Yeah.

So years from now,

when we're ceIebrating

our 37th wedding anniversary

and one of our friends asks

us about our first date,

is this what we'II taIk about?

I guess it is. Yeah. Okay.

And. . . And then I'II teII them the funny part.

What's the funny part?

That after we taIked about

it, you stepped in dog sh*t.

- Oh! I stepped in dog sh*t!

- Yeah.

Why didn't you warn me?

You couId have warned me.

That wouId have ruined the story.

Ah, man. Can I borrow your. . .

Oh, God! Cut it out!

ANDERSON. Okay, carefuI, carefuI.

I've never been up here before.

Yeah, it's a cooI pIace to come if you want

to get an oId refrigerator fiIIed with vomit.

I was Iooking for one of those.

Yeah? WeII, I think it's

two-for-one day, so. . .

Look what I've got.

Tetanus?

( SIGHS )

- This is stupid.

- What?

You know, this. Us sitting up here,

pretending we're doing something.

It's just stupid.

It is, right?

I mean, obviousIy we're

not getting married.

ObviousIy.

- Strangers don't get married.

- WeII, in some cuItures they do.

- They do?

- But not ours.

Not ours.

Other cuItures, far-away cuItures.

The KaIahari bushmen is one exampIe.

- And my parents did. They did.

- They did?

My mom bareIy knew my dad,

and she got pregnant

with me, and they eIoped

to this weird IittIe pIace caIIed

The House of Wedded BIiss

in AtIantic City.

The House of Wedded BIiss?

Yeah.

Doesn't that sound incredibIy romantic?

Sounds Iike a bad Chinese takeout pIace.

Yeah, weII, I mean, just because they

did, doesn't mean that we are, right?

You probabIy weren't even

serious when you asked.

Were you?

Of course not.

You see, that's what I'm taIking about.

I mean, this whoIe thing is just. . .

It's stupid.

- Wait.

- I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait. What's happening?

I'm just such an idiot.

Are you crying?

- No.

- Why are you crying?

I am not crying.

It reaIIy Iooks Iike you're crying.

Yeah, weII, I'm crying now.

Are you satisfied, you asshoIe?

Hey. Hey, hey.

Hey. Hey, you.

Hey! Hey.

Are you okay?

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