Wedding Present Page #9

Crazy as a flock of bats.

Yeah, if I'm crazy,

it isn't love that's doing it.

Listen to this.

"Success, dear reader,

is the ninth Muse.

"Woo her as you would

the other Muses. "

What's the matter with that? I

think that's kind of beautiful.

I go for books like that.

Hey, Boss.

This bird busts into the house and says

he's going to slap us all in the cooler.

So I slapped him in the

teeth and... Take it easy.

Rusty.

Rusty, dear,

Mary Lawson told me

that I was taking my life

in my hands to come here,

but I'm not afraid

of these gentlemen.

And as for you, sir...

Let me introduce Mr. Dodacker,

the author of the book

I was just reading.

Dodacker?

Say, are you the Dodacker?

There's only one.

Do you still want

to let the dame go?

Do I?

Okay, the dame can go.

Him, too.

You're not fooling me

for one moment.

You're just pretending to be

softhearted because I caught you.

The law will take its course

just the same.

Come, Rusty. You knew I'd come to

you through any danger, didn't you?

Smiles, do me a very,

very great favor, will you?

Sure. What's on your mind?

Take me to town

and get plastered with me.

Can't drink, I told you.

All right, then, take me to

town and watch me get plastered,

or just take me to town.

Come on.

What do you call this drink?

A parachute.

What's that?

A drink that makes you float in the air,

but you don't know where you'll land.

What's in it?

It has everything.

A jigger of everything

except water.

No water?

No water.

Bring me another one.

Same for me.

Okay.

After this float,

let's get out of here.

Why?

Because it's across the street

from the house across the street.

No, no, no. This place suits

my morbid mood.

Morbid? What's that?

It's when you have a court plaster

on your soul instead of your face.

She's going to be

married tomorrow, Smiles.

She'd have been married now

if you hadn't been such a sap.

I am a sap.

You're all right.

Ever been in love, Smiles?

I been a sap, too.

Yeah, but you never

lost your girl to a Dodacker.

Did I tell you she was

going to be married tomorrow?

Twice.

Hey, hey. Cut that out.

Rusty's no bigamist.

I must take my afternoon nap

if I'm to be ready for tomorrow.

Aren't you forgetting something,

Mother? The bridal dress.

I haven't forgotten.

I think Rusty would rather

skip all that stuff.

I'll have it ready

first thing in the morning.

The morning? But Mother...

Oh, I don't know

what could have possessed me.

A Dodacker bride always tries on

the dress the day before the wedding.

That dress is 150 years old.

Six Dodacker brides

have worn it, Rusty.

Pardon?

I didn't hear what you said.

You mustn't be absentminded,

child.

Haven't you read what Roger

says about absentmindedness?

Let me see.

Absentmindedness.

Absentmindedness.

Let it go till later, Mother.

You're tired.

I never get tired.

But Rusty is.

Are you?

Oh, no.

No, it's quite all right.

There, Laura.

Now, what was I going to say?

Laura, you're always

making me forget things.

Oh, yes, it was the dress.

Come with me, child.

We'll try it on right now.

Boy.

Another parachute.

The same for me.

Smiles, maybe you

hadn't ought to be drinking.

Why not?

You got ulcers.

Liquor is good for ulsters.

Yeah?

Sure. That's how I got them.

Oh, that's different.

But maybe you hadn't

ought to be drinking.

Don't be a Dodacker.

Dodacker?

What's a Dodacker? I forget.

A Dodacker?

Yes.

A Dodacker is a cross between the

missing link and the lost discard.

It looks like a man

but it talks like Mrs. Grundy

when she's had

too many cups of tea.

Oh, Smiles.

Yeah?

Maybe I hadn't

ought to be drinking.

Got to have a clear head.

Gotta get Rusty

a wedding present.

That's all right.

My head is clear.

I always keep it that way.

Two more.

Same for me.

Think she'd like a dog?

What kind of a dog?

One that'd be

kind of a pal to her.

She'll be lonely

with Dodacker.

He isn't her kind, Smiles.

He's a phony.

She's real...

You don't know

how real she is.

Sure, I know.

No, I tell you, you don't.

The day

of the big chemical fire,

they were bringing them out

dead and dying.

The explosions were coming

like firecrackers on a string.

The kid found an emergency

door that was jammed

and smashed it down herself.

Yeah, and now she's gonna marry some

egg that writes books on success.

I know. We'll get her

a fire house dog.

You know, one of those big

black ones with the white spots.

Do you think

she'd like that, Smiles?

If she likes fires.

Oh, she loves fires.

She's a newspaperman.

She lives on excitement.

Why, if a fire engine came hooting

down the street right now, she'd...

Fire engines. Pretty red fire

engines. Rusty loves them.

You wanna get her

a fire engine?

Smiles, am I drunk?

I don't know.

Drunk enough to get a real

girl a real wedding present?

Sure.

Shiny red fire engine.

That's the kind of present

Rusty would understand.

Anything else, sir?

Sure, sure.

Tomorrow evening's newspapers.

Don't come back till they're ready.

Fire Headquarters. Please.

Hello. Get some apparatus up

East 74th Street, 622 East.

Fire in the basement.

Looks like it's spreading.

No, no alarm in yet.

Me? Charlie Mason of the Star.

Pretty red fire engines.

Rusty loves them.

Say. Say, we gotta

have policemen, too.

Policemen go with fire

engines. Quick. Quick.

Tell me somebody

you don't like.

Fingy Costello.

Good.

Police Headquarters. Please.

Charlie Mason of the Star.

Wanna pick up Fingy Costello?

Sure. 622 East 74th.

Huh?

Don't mention it.

Rusty's gonna

have policemen, too.

Hey, Smiles,

what else? What else?

And...

I know, I know. Ambulances.

Hey, you got any nickels?

Yes.

In my hour of need,

you have not failed me.

Emergency Hospital.

Just a moment.

Emergency Hospital.

Violently insane?

Call the mental ward of

Hillview. Oh, is somebody hurt?

Sure, right away.

Yes. I'll notify Hillview.

Civic Hospital. Yes.

Dodacker. Gunshot wounds.

Turnbull's Funeral Parlor.

Most distressing,

most distressing.

Dodacker?

Yes, sir, I have it.

Hillview Hospital.

Epileptic fit?

Dodacker?

Yes, ma'am.

What else, Smiles?

Gas mains. Broken gas main.

Yes, sure. Steam, too.

Here, this is for you.

Excellent. Emergency wagon.

Out of nickels.

Say, this is terrible.

Don't sit there doing nothing.

We're out of nickels.

Fine thing.

It's a sleeper.

Smiles, you're wonderful.

It seems a bit large.

You're not going to talk

of alterations.

It's never been altered.

Don't forget, your daughter

must wear it after you, dear.

The bridal veil, Mother.

Yes, yes, of course.

The bridal veil.

Enough is enough.

Laura thinks I'm boring you

with our family traditions.

Oh, not at all.

Mother, there we are.

Dear.

Stunning. Beautiful.

My dear child, don't fidget.

I hate fidgeting.

Excuse me, but fire engines

do that to me.

Roger'll cure you

of that nonsense.

Hold your head up, child.

This calls for dignity.

That fire must be

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes