Weekend Page #4

- Listen, he's going away anyway, so...

- Oh, right, I see.

I've got to go, Jamie, so

I'll catch you in a bit.

- I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?

- Yeah, all right. You'd better be there.

All right, mate. Bye, bye, bye.

(Distant siren)

(Lively chatter)

(Boy) He's had a girlfriend

too, for like...

He's been going out with her for two

months and he hasn't even fingered her.

(Girl) Definitely looks gay.

(Boy) Have you seen his walk?

(Chatter and laughter)

(Boy) And his voice too.

(Girl) Oh, yeah, his voice.

(Boy) He probably does straightening, like.

Conditions his hair every morning.

He gets up at half-seven so

his mum can do his hair.

- Have you seen his Facebook statuses?

- No.

There's about 40 a day.

(Muffled music)

(Loud rock music,

lively chatter)

(Man) All right? What can I get you?

- All right, mate. Do you do bitter?

- Yeah.

- Can I get two pints of bitter?

(Laughter)

- I got you a drink. (Chuckles)

- I don't like beer.

- Do you not?

Afraid not.

Sorry.

Why this place, Glen?

It's a bit more fun, isn't it, than

your normal, erm... normal gay bar?

I'm surprised you came.

Really?

- Little bit.

- Well, I'm here now.

- Good.

- Cheers.

(All) Hi!

We've got a new member of the group,

let's not make a fuss about it.

This is Russell, everybody.

This is Cock 1, Cock 2, Cock 3,

Dolly Parton, Cock 4, Lorna,

you know Gill already.

- And this is all...

- I'm Russell, nice to meet you.

(Overlapping chatter)

I went on the bed with a hard-on

and I heard all this clanging

and things coming out of bags

and zips and poppers and things, and I...

he was there for ages...

Hey!

Well done. Here we go!

One, two, three, four, five...

Go!

Anyway, so I was lying on

the bed waiting for him,

and after about 10

minutes of this,

it was like, I was starting to lose my

hard-on because it was getting boring,

and then he walked in and he was fully

done up in leather, like boots and things

and chaps and everything,

and he was much older

than his picture said,

and he walked in and I

was like, "Oh, f***!".

And he just put his boot on my bed and

he went, "Lick my f***ing boots!".

And I went like, "Er, I don't think

so, I think I'll pass actually."

And he was like, "Lick

my f***ing boots!".

Sorry, guys, can I squeeze past?

All right, how are you?

I'd leave him to

it, if I were you.

What's he doing?

Well, he's just started

phase one of the attack.

The whole straight narrative is there

for you to inherit, it's just there.

There to shape your

foundations, to set you up...

boy meets girl, they fall in love,

they go skipping through the meadows

and that's how your life is set.

Everything is there.

All the books, all the

films, all the TV shows,

everything is just

inherited, given to you.

I think he does like you though.

I mean, he wouldn't let me listen to the tape,

and he always lets me

listen to the tapes, so...

you must have made some

kind of impression.

I'm quite glad he didn't let you have a

listen to the tape, to be honest with you.

Yet!

He didn't let me listen to

it yet - there's still time!

What, is it dirty? Is it?

- No, no!

- Proper sordid?

No.

Oh, boring.

Them ones are the best.

- I took umbrage with the loud noise.

- You didn't take...

- You make a loud... You made a loud noise.

- You didn't make umbrage with the loud noise.

You made umbrage with the fact that you've

got a load of gay people in a straight bar.

That's what you've got your problem with.

Admit it, just admit it.

- No...

- Absolutely admit it.

The thing is, Glen likes to be a

big fish, not a little tiddler.

I mean, to be honest, I

think he's gonna bottle it.

- Can you keep a secret?

- Yeah.

Some of us have

got a little bet.

That's not very supportive.

Supportive? No.

No, I just understand

him, that's all.

He does this. I mean like, once,

he signed up to teach in Africa.

I think it was Africa.

It was just when he split up with John.

Has he told you about John?

No, no, he hasn't told me about John.

To be honest with you, I don't really think...

That was way back when

he did boyfriends.

The sexuality... The sexuality of the

loud noise was not an issue with me,

- it was the fact that the noise was loud.

- The sexuality of the loud noise?

It was the fact that

the noise was loud.

Oh, right, so it's just

merely a matter of decibels.

He used to cheat on him a lot, John did,

and Glen was like, "It doesn't matter,"

but it would matter to me, and then

at the end of the relationship,

he was in the park, cruising,

and he got beaten up.

What, Glen did?

No, no, not Glen. John.

(Glen) Volume is the issue. That's it.

- The volume.

Just ruining your night. We're just here

ruining your night, is that the problem?

(Man) Look at us holding hands!

Look!

What?

Nothing.

- You look like you want to kiss me.

- I do.

Go on, then.

No, not here. I can't...

I can't here.

(Russell) Oh!

Ah, thank you.

Do you want to get the

f*** out of here?

What do you mean?

Do you want to get the

f*** out of here?

(Siren) (Clock bells chiming)

Don't you think your mates are going

to be a little bit pissed off?

- Why?

- Well...

I mean, we just

marched out of there.

You practically pushed me out of the door,

I didn't even say goodbye to anybody,

- you didn't say goodbye to anybody.

- Yeah, I don't do goodbyes.

I actually had quite good fun in there.

It was all right.

I liked your friends.

It was quite nice being around gay people.

- Oh, don't do it.

- Don't do what?

- I know what you're gonna say.

- What?

You're gonna say, "Oh, it's nice being around

people of my own kind, my own people",

"they think the same as me, we

talk about all the same things,

"we've got the same things in common."

But it's just not like that, you know?

(Beeping)

(Woman's voice) This is David Lane.

- Essentially they're all just idiots.

- This tram is for Phoenix Park.

- Except they dance a lot more.

The next stop is Highbury Vale.

So what do you think of Gill?

- Yeah, she was nice. (Snorts)

You're such a f***ing liar.

Ah, it's nothing.

I wouldn't want anybody...

- talking badly about my mates.

- What is it?

- Honestly, it's nothing.

- F***ing spit it out.

I don't know, Glen. I just...

She's not very supportive, you

know, or understanding about...

And this is only from what I've

spoken to her about, but I didn't...

She just wasn't very supportive and

that's what you want, isn't it,

you want your mates to be understanding

and to support your ideas and...

- I don't know.

- What the f*** did she say?

She didn't say anything,

she didn't say anything.

It was just...

It was just an impression I got.

Anyway, it's none of my business to start

talking about that kind of stuff, is it?

I can't wait to get the f***

out of here, to be honest.

- No, you don't mean that.

- I do.

Maybe I don't.

Just my friends -

sometimes they're like...

a noose around my neck,

do you know what I mean?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote