Weekend Page #5

No. I've got to be honest with you,

I don't really know what you mean.

It's like when you've had the same friends

for too long, they become like...

everything becomes cemented.

(Music pounding in distance,

children shouting and screaming)

- What, and that's a bad thing, is it?

- Of course it's a bad thing.

I don't want to be in f***ing

concrete, thank you very much.

It's like they won't let you...

they won't let you be any version of yourself

except an old version, or the

version that they want you to be.

- I hope that's not true.

- You know it's true.

Who wants to know

they're in the sh*t?

If they see you trying to crawl out,

they're very happy to drag you back in.

Oh, and that's what you're

trying to do, is it?

You're trying to drag yourself

out of the sh*t! (Chuckles)

I'm trying to...

redraw myself.

- Of course. You being the artist that you are.

- Exactly, exactly.

But everyone keeps f***ing

hiding my pencil.

(Laughs)

(Man calling out over speakers, children

shouting and screaming in background)

(Laughs)

Hiya, can we get

two cars, please?

- Have you got three quid?

- Yep.

There we go.

- I'm gonna kill you.

- Oh-ho-ho, are you sure about that?

There you go.

Thank you.

(Dance music pounding)

(Man) Scream if you

wanna go faster!

(Both laughing)

(Russell screams)

(Glen) F*** you!

Remember, this was pre-internet

so, you know, it was, like,

there wasn't any "straight boy

goes gay for pay" websites

or stick-a-monster-cock-

up-your-arse-and-ear. Com.

But my mum had this VHS

of A Room With A View.

- Have you seen it?

- Yeah. I think I have.

Is that the one with

all the poshies

- in all the houses and stuff?

- Yeah.

Well, they've got that, but also they've got

this scene where all the boys go running

- naked round the lake.

- Oh, I see.

And I'd frozen the video just on the moment

when you could see Rupert Graves' cock

and you know what it's like when

you pause video, it's shuddering.

Yeah.

And I was tanking away

and there it was,

and I spaffed up a huge

spiderweb of juvenile semen...

(Laughs) ...just as

my mate walked in.

Oh, my God!

And he looked at me and he

looked at the TV screen

and he saw Rupert Graves'

shuddering cock and he knew.

- What did he say?

- He called me a f*ggot, he called me a queer.

But the weird thing was, in that moment, I

could see myself through his eyes, you know?

I could see what I looked like.

And you know what?

- You didn't care?

- I didn't care. Exactly.

I thought, if he wants to see me as some

horny little faggotty, angry child,

then that's fine with me,

doesn't make any difference.

- Are you still friends with him?

- Nah.

I wasn't friends with anyone else

after he told the rest of the school.

That's awful, Glen.

It is what it is.

(Men shouting

aggressively in distance)

(Distant siren,

traffic rumbling)

(Snorting, laughing)

- Shall we have another little cheeky one?

- Yeah.

(Russell sighs)

(Glen snorts and giggles)

- Oh, Glen, Glen, Glen!

- Whoo! I'm just breaking some ice!

- You haven't met my neighbours, they're nuts.

- I'm breaking the ice with your neighbours.

- Frankie upstairs will be going nuts, dying.

(Music on, muffled)

There's something I

didn't tell you today.

Do you have a boyfriend?

- Yeah, that's exactly it. I've got a boyfriend.

- Oh, f*** me!

No.

- No, you know your tape thing?

- Yeah.

I've got something

kind of similar.

Really? What do you mean?

Well, obviously mine's private

and not public like yours.

- Why am I telling you this?

- Well, then why do you do it?

I don't know, just do.

He was good-looking and

normal, which was nice.

(Music playing quietly)

- He's not too camp.

On the third date he told me that

when he came out to his parents,

they refused to

ever talk about it.

He said he didn't care but

it was obvious he did.

Then to stop us talking about

it, he sang me a song.

(Wheezes, laughs) F***ing hell!

D*ckhead!

I was mortified, and I wanted

Jamie to be there listening to it

because I'm sure he would

have found it funny.

And I knew that I could never see him

again, but I stayed that night anyway...

- Aww... because I didn't

want him to feel bad.

Samaritan.

Did you tell Jamie about it?

- Shut up!

- And you send it to the back of my throat.

Ready? Come on.

- It's quite sexy.

- OK.

Beautiful. Good start.

Do you want to have a go?

Let's make it happen, come on.

One, two, three.

Isn't that amazing?

I followed him around

the sauna for a while,

and I was so nervous that I wasn't sure

I'd even be able to get an erection.

We went into the cabin

but he wouldn't kiss me.

All he wanted to do was suck me off

and get me to come in his mouth,

which I did, but he wouldn't let me touch

him or anything, and then he left.

And I saw him later as I was

getting changed and he ignored me.

And it was then that I noticed

he had a wedding ring on.

I felt bad and weird - bad for

me but also for his wife...

and I wondered if when he

got home and he kissed her

she could smell me on him,

and I wondered if the

kids were waiting for

him in their bedrooms,

wanting to say good night

to their dad, but...

he was late because he was

sucking me off in the sauna.

So.

What?

I met this guy who was nice.

I've called him Paul Smith,

but that wasn't his name because

I can't remember his name,

but it was the aftershave

he was wearing.

He had a really nice

flat near the cemetery

and I think he worked in design.

He told me his parents were fine about him

being gay, which must have been good,

and he had photos of

them on his wall.

He asked if he could f*** me, I

told him I'd never done it before

and that he needed

to be careful.

I can remember being paranoid

about the condom coming off

and me getting AIDS and everybody

would think I was scum.

He wouldn't give me his number

because he said he had a boyfriend.

On the bus I felt so

ashamed and shitty.

When I got back I puked up and

spent the rest of the day in bed

thinking about all

kinds of stuff.

(Sniffs)

Have I freaked you out?

No, it's just enough now.

I have, haven't I? I've freaked you out, I've

freaked you out. Do you think I'm a freak?

You are a freak, but

that's all right.

What did this guy look like?

Why?

Just because.

I don't know, he had blond hair.

Did he look kind of Swedish?

- I suppose. (Sniffs)

(Glen snorting)

He'd have f***ing loved this.

Who?

His name was John

though, not Paul.

Who's John?

You're a terrible

liar for a f*ggot.

I knew Gill couldn't

keep her mouth shut.

I didn't ask her anything.

She...

F*** it.

It doesn't matter.

(Glen) Look, straight

people like us as long as

we conform, we behave

by their little rules.

Imagine your friends,

if you suddenly started

getting all really political

about being a fag

or you got suddenly like camp and swishy

or talked about rimming all the time.

(Russell) Yeah, but that's not what

I'm like, is it? That's not who I am.

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