Weirdsville Page #5

It was the only way

I could get through

to him, sir.

You don't say.

I do say.

Your story

touches me, boys.

But if I find out

you're lying,

there'll be repercussions.

Cops?

F*** the cops...

and their

height requirements.

I'll come after you myself.

You'll wish

I called the cops.

Here.

Thank you.

Take it easy

with that sh*t.

I know you got stuff

to deal with, but...

it's who you are

up here that counts.

True.

Take me for instance.

In my mind, I'm 6'4",

So, in your head

you're tall and skinny?

That's really...

That's not that big.

Boys, the point is,

you cross me,

asses get kicked.

Yes.

Names get taken.

True.

Oh, speaking of names,

do you think we could

have our IDs back?

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t,

that's one of 'em!

Boys, this way.

We're going

to the hydro room.

There's a grate in the floor

that leads to a drainage pipe.

It'll take you

across the highway

and into the woods.

Go, go, go, go!

Godspeed, lads.

Oh, hey, what are you

going to do?

I'm going to kick

some Moonie ass.

Okay.

He's a nice guy, eh?

Yeah, that "nice guy"

just took your 100 bucks.

I don't care, man.

You know what?

It's karma, dude.

You know what?

F*** karma.

You're kidding me.

Shut the f***...

What are you doing?

They're probably following

the trail of smoke.

I'm lighting this joint.

You really think

we have time to stop

and smoke a joint?

I'm stopping

to light the joint.

I'll smoke it on the way.

Don't be shitty.

Just f***ing go.

F***ing tell me about

f***ing lighting a joint.

Just shut up.

I'm going!

Come on, man, please?

I'm walking, man.

Look behind you.

That's so cute!

Shh! Shh!

Something funny?

Hi.

What are you

supposed to be?

He's like the little

Chief of Police of, like,

Munchkin-land or something.

A Wizard of Oz joke.

That's very original.

I never hear those.

You two have violated

mall bylaw 2378.

Have you by any chance

seen two young men

running around here

tonight?

Are you deaf?

I'm placing you

under citizen's arrest.

Ooh!|

Yikes.

You and uh...

um... you?

By yourself?

All alone?

Me and, uh...

Mr. Pepper-spray here.

Drop the hatchet.

Lose the weapon,

and hit the floor.

All right.

Okay.

Sorry.

Ow...

I'm just going

to get down.

I'll just put my machete

down on the floor-- ooh!

Oh, look, I've got

your pepper spray!

Zzzt.

Oh, you want to play?

Hyuh!

Argh!

Uh!

Now, you...

grab some floor-sandwich

and start eating!

Green light!

Red light!

Sit! Shake a paw!

Gotcha!

Hey!

Want to take him

for a little helicopter ride?

Whoaaa!

It smells here.

Your butt's in my face.

Would you just

shut the f*** up?

Don't get

on your high heels

just because you kicked,

all right?

I kicked because my life

was spiraling into the toilet.

Yeah,

so was mine, Dex,

but at least I tried

to do something about it.

You tried to do

something about it?

Yeah, I got

the job with Omar.

Me and Matilda came up

with the Taylor heist.

What did you do?

I rode in

on a white horse

when all of your

best-laid plans

culminated

in the pressing need

to bury one of your

best f***ing friends!

Shut-- Shut up, man!

You're the one who got us

in debt with Omar!

It's your fault!

Why do you think I kicked?

Oh, God, thank you!

Dex quit for a week!

The world is healed!

There's peace on earth!

You know what?

You're a f***ing chickenshit!

Dumb f***!

Dumb quitter!

Where did they go?

Inchon sucked,

you f***in' Moonie!

Not nice.

Idiot!

One more time.

Where did they go?

Moonie bastard!

One more time.

Where did they go?

F*** you.

Oh my, what do

we have here,

Officer Oz?

Oh, just what we need.

Looks like we got 'em.

Beautiful nothing

Is all I wanna hear

Beautiful nothing

Music to my ear

So stop all

your bang-clangin'

Shouting

and stompin' around

Beautiful nothing

F***.

Come on, let's go.

No.

I'm staying.

Shut up.

Get up.

I'm good.

No, no, no, no...

Hey.

Warm.

No.

No, no, Dex, you're going

to get hypodermia.

No, Dex, you're going

to freeze to death, man.

No, I'm good.

Hey!

Come on!

Get up now!

What are you doing?

Get up!

Quit hugging me!

I'm not hugging you!

I'm trying to carry you.

Quit it!

I can walk!

Damn,

I'm not hugging you.

Quit it!

I'm trying to carry you,

all right?

Do you hear me?

Let's get out of here.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

This way.

Anthony?

Martin here.

We got a code blue.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Oh, my God,

are you boys okay?

No.

What are you doing out here?

You're freezing!

Yeah, yeah.

You're dripping wet.

Come on, get in the car.

You look so cold.

Come on, man.

You, too.

You boys should get

out of those clothes,

you'll warm up faster.

Don't be shy.

I once lived in a nudist

commune in Brazil.

I know what a naked man

looks like.

Looks like you're having

about as bad a day as I am.

My husband went missing

from the hospital tonight.

I fell asleep in the lounge

and when I woke up,

they told me he was gone.

Just like that, huh?

Wow.

Oh, where are my manners?

I'm Irene Taylor.

Oh, I'm Royce

and this is Dex.|

Nice to meet you, boys.

Why was he

in the hospital?

The weirdest accident.

An icicle fell and stuck

into the top of his head.

It nestled down

in the lobes of his brain.

Doctor said he'd be okay

once the initial shock

wore off.

Oh, man.

My nephew's

house-sitting for us.

I don't know where

the hell he got to.

You boys wait here.

I don't want you

catching pneumonia.

Oh, my God,

we gotta book, man.

Naked?

I don't know.

We gotta take her car

and get to the mall, man.

Again... naked?

Rufus!

Be very careful

with her.

Ow.

Punish them if they return.

Come on in.

Wow, it looks like something

went right through your floor.

Are you calling the cops?

Much as I hate to, I gotta.

Because us two aren't

exactly the Hardy Boys,

if you know what I mean.

I figured.

Hello, police?

It's Irene Taylor.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

Crossbow.

Thor's hammer.

War club.

Battle flail.

Gentlemen...

'94 VW hatchback

with blue running lights.

Let's roll!

Jeremy, you little sh*t!

Where's my hundred bucks?

Maybe you shouldn't have

f***ing taken it, should you?

No.

I'm all tapped out now,

but my name and number

is on the back of this card.

That's okay,

you've done enough.

No, I know what it's like

to be on the road.

Enjoy it while you can

because before you know it,

you'll have a house

full of stuff you don't need

and deep down

don't really want.

Like a floor

with a hole in it?

Awkward.

To tell you the truth,

I kinda liked things better

when we had nothing.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Bye!

I feel like an a**hole.

Yeah, me too.

But that's okay.

We'll just take enough

from the safe to pay Omar.

Yeah.

Give the rest back.

Yeah, man, yeah.

Okay?

Yeah, absolutely.

Ah, sh*t.

You know what, man?

What?

We make it through this,

man, I'm kicking.

I'm going to turn

everything around.

You serious?

Yeah.

Ave Satanas!

Jeremy.

Jeremy, it's Matilda.

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