Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins Page #4

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He came to live with us once

his folks went on to glory.

They became famous

and left their child

behind?

B*tch, are you crazy?

They was in a car accident.

They dead. Goddamn!

Anyway, now Roscoe and

Clyde was fierce rivals,

though "rival"

is not quite accurate,

'cause Clyde used to whoop

Roscoe's tail in everything.

I don't know about

"everything," now, Betty.

Everything, Mama!

Basketball.

YOUNG CLYDE:
Game!

Checkers.

King me.

Chess.

CLYDE:
Checkmate.

Arm wrestling.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Oops.

That was me.

You're telling me

RJ never won?

Never.

That is, of course,

until the obstacle course

in 1985.

Obstacle course?

BETTY.:
Yep. It's a

Jenkins family tradition.

PAPA:
Have fun, now!

MAMA:
Yeah!

Clyde, Roscoe,

we got our eyes on you!

BETTY.:

Clyde and Roscoe

made a bet

that the winner would get

to ask Lucinda Allen

to the Spring Formal.

And who is Lucinda Allen?

BETTY.:
Only the most popular

Southern belle to ever

come out of these parts.

The Spring Formal Queen

that year.

BIANCA.:

So what happened?

Girl, your man

took off like

a house on fire!

(ALL CLAPPING)

Come on!

He moved through

that obstacle course

faster than a runaway slave.

Doing it!

Now, see, Clyde was

right there with his skinny

ass, baby, neck and neck.

He was trying to hold on

until the end.

But old Roscoe...

Come on!

Old Roscoe broke

that tape, baby.

He smiled so hard,

I thought his cheeks

would burst.

Yes!

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

Yes! I won!

BETTY.:
I ain't never seen

Mama and Daddy

so proud as that day.

Aw.

BETTY:
Now all Roscoe

had to do was claim

the real prize.

Lucinda?

Hey.

Will you go to

the Spring Formal

with me?

Oh, Roscoe, how sweet,

but Clyde just asked me.

Come on, Lucinda,

let's get a strawberry soda.

My treat.

LUCINDA:
Okay.

Bye, Roscoe.

Great race.

Bye.

BETTY.:
I felt bad for the boy.

(LAUGHING)

Now, nobody knew

about the bet, so Clyde

just beat him to the punch.

(SAVING ALL MY LO VE FOR YOU

PLAYING)

Clyde and Lucinda

danced all night long,

looking like eternal lovers.

And Roscoe looked

like a hot mess.

And his date

wasn't much better.

Lord Jesus!

But in typical

Roscoe fashion,

he snitched.

But that

mess backfired.

Lucinda is a young lady,

not some trophy

you can win!

I'm very disappointed

in you.

But what about Clyde?

Clyde will be dealt with.

Now drop your britches

and bend over.

(GULPS)

Yipe!

BETTY.:
But that Clyde...

Girl, he is a smooth operator.

All right, what have you

got to say for yourself?

I let Roscoe win.

It meant more

to him to beat me,

and it meant more to me

to go out with Lucinda.

She's so beautiful.

I know you're disappointed,

and if my parents were alive,

they'd be disappointed, too.

But you're

the only parent I got,

Papa Jenkins.

So you do

what you think is right.

I'll understand.

Don't you ever

let something like this

ever happen again.

What?

You understand?

Yes, sir.

BETTY.:
He went upstairs

and cried like a baby.

Now, how you know

Roscoe was crying?

(CRYING)

BETTY.:
Because all his

hollering woke me up

from a sound sleep.

(LAUGHING)

So, are they

still an item?

They dated awhile, but

you know, the Queen is too

pure for the likes of Clyde.

He needs a real woman.

Betty, y'all are cousins.

Whatever!

Now, the point is, Roscoe

ain't been the same since

Clyde stole Miss Lucinda.

I think they call

that "evolution."

(GIGGLES)

RJ's clearly over

any childhood crush.

BETTY:
Really?

Really.

Well, where do you think

that "Team of Me"

mess started?

(MOCKING LAUGH)

All right, Betty,

that is enough.

Okay, Mama,

but I'm just saying...

Come on in this house

before I pop you.

BETTY:
Now, somebody

help that white girl.

She getting eggshells

in the tater salad.

Help her.

MAMA:
Always running

your mouth!

You talk too much.

BETTY:
Don't nobody want

no crunchy-ass potato salad.

And you put

vinegar on these?

Yeah.

You gotta

market these, O.

(EXCLAIMS)

RJ!

Huh?

What the hell

are you eating?

I'm not eating, baby,

I'm tasting. These soy ribs.

You want some?

(GROANS)

Forget it, carnivore!

Why don't you tell me

about Lucinda Allen?

Oh. Oh, sh*t.

RJ:
Lucinda Allen?

That was a bad one,

right there.

Well, see, I...

Baby, she's just,

you know...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Hey, Clyde's here now!

(BEFORE I LET GO PLAYING)

Let me introduce you.

CLYDE:
What's up, family?

Hi!

(LAUGHING) Hey there, baby.

What's up, baby?

You looking sharp.

Look at you.

Girl, Betty, you too much.

Clyde!

What's up, O?

What's up, Big Law?

I see you ain't

getting no bigger.

Look at you, boy.

Look at you, boy!

OTIS:
Lucinda,

what's up, baby?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, hi!

Good seeing you, baby.

Hey, look at you, boy. Look.

You sure you our relative?

Little Mexican!

I got a little something

for everybody!

I stopped to pick up

some red velvet cakes

for the picnic.

(GASPING)

From Cooter's Bakery

in Tuscaloosa?

CLYDE:
Yeah.

Well, you only get one

golden anniversary, Mama J.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, yeah.

Hey! Hey, now!

(LAUGHING) There he is!

What's up, Papa J?

How you doing, man?

Is the fountain of youth

around here somewhere,

or you been

taking that Viagra?

(LAUGHING)

You better watch it.

See, 'Cinda?

Lucinda!

I'm so glad to see you.

Welcome home.

Oh. Oh.

Now that's nostalgia for you,

right there. Family spirit

award goes to Roscoe!

Cross Colour Jones!

Look at you, boy!

Still wearing Otis'

hand-me-downs.

Come here, man.

They're in the bag.

Well, the airlines

lost my bag, so...

What's your excuse?

Man... Hey, man,

this that Tiger Hoods, man.

You know me.

I get my nine holes in.

Roscoe Jenkins.

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Oh, it's been ages.

Wow, it's been so long!

(BIANCA CLEARS THROAT)

Clyde, Lucinda,

this is my fiancee...

My fiancee...

Bianca.

Bianca Kittles.

How you doing?

Bianca!

Sweeter than Skittles.

Girl, you prettier in person.

Is that so?

You find somebody

that say different, see

if I don't slap them to sleep.

And I don't even

get violent.

It's my pleasure, Bianca.

Wow, congratulations, you two.

The pleasure's mine.

What's up

with that?

(SINGING)

And, Lord, we thank you

for the pork ribs,

as well as, yes,

the coleslaw, and...

I hear what you're

saying, but look,

I gotta go.

Thank You!

And we thank You

for the sweet potato pie,

and, yes, for

the scrumptious red

velvet cakes from Cooter's!

We thank You, Lord!

And they all did say,

ALL:
Amen!

We thank you

for that beautiful

benediction.

You mean long.

RUTHIE:
Otis!

Mama and I

are just filled

with joy

that so many friends

and family have joined us

on this very special occasion.

This woman has

put up with me

for five decades,

and I love her now

more than ever.

Thank you, baby.

All right, Papa J.

Hear, hear, now.

(ALL CHATTERING)

BETTY:
Clyde, you try

some of this corn,

baby?

And don't you forget these

rolls, 'cause I made them

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