Welcome to Mooseport Page #9

Martha in a wetsuit.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

I can't not picture her.

All right.

Oh! You topped,

pulled and hooked it all in one.

Here. Let me show you. Mr. President,

you've shaken a lot of hands.

Shake hands with the club.

- Like this?

- Yes. Now, just look at the ball...

...and picture like it's

the former first lady.

Just whack it.

You bloodsucking vampire!

You two had issues.

Oh, Jesus.

So...

...how come you didn't ask her?

- Ask her what?

- You know.

I don't know. I probably should've.

Scared, I guess.

Well, marriage is a scary thing.

I'd be the first one to tell you that.

But once in a while...

...there comes along that special girl.

Well, no, I mean, that's just it.

I mean, she is special.

I just figured, eventually...

...she'll find somebody else.

And, you know, you always hope

that next guy will be some loser...

...not the president.

Handy...

...on the 16th hole of our match,

you laid up.

Yeah. I remember, I did.

- But you played it safe.

- So? You ended up in the water.

I never would've been president of

the United States if I'd have laid up.

Sometimes you just gotta

go for the green.

Let's go vote.

- Out of the way!

- Here he is!

Hank, get them out of the way!

Hold them back!

Mr. President! Over here,

we have some questions.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Please step back. No comments

today. There'll be no questions.

There'll be chances to get wonderful

photos as soon as he's ready.

Please, one picture!

Mr. President, over there.

The pageantry of...

...democracy.

That's why we... That's why

we love Mooseport so much.

Once a politician...

...always a politician.

It's 10 minutes past the hour...

... and there are 20 minutes left before

the polls close in Mooseport, Maine.

With the former president's campaign

spending millions on advertising...

... it's amazing that Handy's grass-roots

campaign still has them neck and neck.

It was so beautiful.

Hello.

Spectacular, isn't it?

- I was thinking about...

- For once, don't talk, please.

- What?

- Just listen. Okay? Can you do that?

A long while back my mom

asked me what I saw in you.

You probably find it hard to believe

that anybody could ask such a thing...

...but she did.

"I see a man I admire," I told her.

"A flawed man, certainly,

but a man with principles. "

Since this Handy thing...

...I've seen a man who only cares

about ego and power.

A man who will stoop to anything...

...to win a position

he doesn't even want...

...from someone he probably

shouldn't even beat.

And it angers me. And it upsets me.

- Oh, and mostly it just makes me sad.

- Grace...

Because you used to be

better than that, Monroe.

You really were.

And that is no handshake,

you son of a b*tch.

Sugar, Mr. President?

Oh, three, please.

No, no, no. One.

- Morning, Mr. President.

- Good morning.

- Where's Grace?

- I don't know, sir.

Could you find her, please?

Yes, sir. Let's go.

We gotta get moving. They want you

down in town for the announcement.

Announcement? I can't expose myself

to that without knowing who won.

They won't tell me, Eagle.

I've done everything...

...short of bribing them with a year's

supply of beer and night crawlers...

...but I'll get down there

and work on it.

Get on that toga and get down

to that circus, Eagle. Please, sir.

Sally...

Handy, you back here?

- It's time, man.

- Yeah, I know.

Come on. Don't you want to find out

if you won? Or lost? Badly?

- Yeah. Go ahead.

- No, I'll wait for you.

- I'll meet you there.

- I want to.

- No, go.

- You're my ride, man.

- Come on.

- Okay. All right. Let's go. Come on.

In a few moments, former President Cole

and Handy Harrison are due to arrive.

Will big politics and big money carry

the day? Or will the little man prevail?

- We shall soon see.

- Testing. Testing.

We're just about ready to start.

And I think I see the president

coming now!

Oh, there's Handy.

- Hey, did you see Sally?

- No.

When you see her,

just let me know, okay?

Mr. President, Handy,

please come up here, okay?

Sir, the yellow speech is if you win.

The blue one is if you...

Should I get out of your eyeline, sir?

Come on, Bullard.

- How you doing?

- How you doing?

Handy, you're the man!

In the 240-year history

of our fair Mooseport...

...there has never been

a more exciting mayoral race.

Mr. President. Handy.

My fellow citizens,

the new mayor of Mooseport is...

...Monroe Cole!

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

As I'm sure you all know, this was

Mooseport's largest election turnout ever.

- How big a margin?

- Real tight. But the win's the thing.

- It was so close.

- Well, that's something, right?

In the end, the president won

by one vote!

You won by one vote.

One vote? Oh, my God.

It doesn't get any closer.

Ladies and gentlemen...

- One vote.

... the 23rd mayor of Mooseport:

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

Thank you, Morris.

Thank you, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...once again, the great

American electoral process has...

Folks, you know...

...a little while ago, a person

who has been with me for years...

...a person who I trust

like no one else...

...reminded me of my principles...

...shook some sense into me.

So I have a confession to make.

I said...

...that I would vote for Handy.

I didn't. I voted for myself.

So my first act as mayor...

...is to turn the job over to the

rightful winner, Handy Harrison.

Handy, come on over here.

Let's hear it for Handy.

- All right!

- Come on.

Mr. President...

Attaboy, Handy!

Folks, I have a confession

to make also.

- I voted for myself too.

- What?

You won this thing fair and square,

Mr. President.

So my first act as mayor is to turn the

job back over to the rightful winner...

...Mr. Monroe Cole!

There's no beating you, is there?

Not on this one, sir.

All right, I accept.

No, he won.

Tell HarperCollins Random House

is back up to 20 mil.

Yes, please do.

And tell them to send me half.

See you in D.C.

- Any sign of her?

- Agent Cloud found her at the airport.

- Airport? Come on, let's get moving.

- You got it.

Look, Sally...

I don't know...

- Hey, Handy, nice try.

- Thank you.

- Hi, Handy.

- Hi, Sophie. Hi.

Look, Sally...

...how you doing?

God, just do it.

- Just do it.

- Handy, I just saw what you did!

- I couldn't believe it!

- Thank you, Reuben.

I voted for you!

Oh, well, you don't even like me. Sorry.

What?

No.

Please, please, please. No!

Oh! Nice!

Ladies and gentlemen...

...Trans Capital flight 27 to Dulles

has been delayed.

Please bear with us and we'll let

you know as soon as we know.

- Oh, man.

- Grace?

- Grace?

- Here, Mr. President.

- What are you doing here?

- I gave my notice, remember?

Oh, Grace. Come back.

No.

- No.

- Grace...

...look at me.

I'll never have more than one sugar in

my coffee ever again, if you'll have me.

And no salt.

The former president of the United

States is down on his knees.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes