Welcome to Mooseport Page #8

We'll find dirt, Eagle,

even if we have to make it up.

- Exactly.

- I don't believe this.

What?

Mr. President...

...I'm giving my notice.

- Your notice?

Yes, I can't work here any longer.

Are you drunk, for God's sakes?

We've been together 15 years.

Yes, exactly. And in all that time,

you have never once gone negative...

...at least not first.

And you have never, ever stooped

to threats or harassment.

Grace, he brought in Charlotte.

Charlotte.

If that's not harassment, what is?

Mr. President, you have two days,

two hours and 21 minutes...

...until this election is over...

...and then I'm gone.

What's that?

- I think she quit, sir.

- Not that. That.

Oh, this? It's the new poll.

- Five points.

- Five?

- Down.

- What's the sample size?

Come on, Bert, what's the sample size?

- Everybody.

- Everybody? This is a disaster!

Not to pile on, but I'm worried

about the book deals too.

Crap! It's like some

mythic Greek puzzle.

The riddle of the handyman.

Somewhere, the answer.

Sir, let's not panic. This isn't over.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

- What's wrong with us?

- What?

I'll give it to him. It's that simple.

Wait, you don't mean quit.

You can't quit, Eagle.

I wouldn't quit.

That's the beauty of it.

I'll say how qualified he is.

How he's the best man for the job.

And tonight at the debate,

I'll throw him my support.

If I win, I win. But if I lose...

...it's because I made the most

magnanimous gesture in political history.

And people took my advice.

- It's brilliant, sir.

- Thank you.

And then I'd get the girl...

- Sally.

- Sally. Right.

Sally. Hey, hi. I'm here.

I'm getting ready for the debate.

- Want to come in?

- No, I'm gonna get going.

- See you.

- Hold it. What's going on?

What's all this stuff?

Oh.

I, um...

I won Reuben in a putting contest so I

have to make room for some of his stuff.

- You what?

- I know.

I mean, can you imagine someone

actually playing golf to win a person?

No. Don't insult me

by trying to defend this...

...because if I let myself dwell on it,

I'm gonna just lose it.

- But Sally, it wasn't... Easy.

- I said, no.

I just want to settle this amicably, okay?

There's your stuff.

My stuff? Hold on. Hold on.

This is yours.

Remember? From me.

Christmas.

Don't you remember?

That was the year the power went out.

We had that big snowstorm,

and we were so frustrated.

We couldn't turn this on and watch it.

And the power came back,

and we turned it on.

And you looked so beautiful...

...by the light of it.

And then we...

...you know...

...by the light of it.

I remember.

And then we stayed up all night

and talked.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you remember what

we talked about?

The future.

We talked about the future, Handy.

Sally, wait.

I don't want to wait anymore.

- Good luck at the debate.

- Are you coming?

She's not coming.

All right, guys, that's it.

We go in two minutes.

Two minutes, Mr. President.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm shaking. I can't go to

the bathroom, I'll pee all over.

- Relax, honey.

- I'm not ready for this.

Two minutes, Handy.

Be on your toes. Be sharp. You may have

won the first debate, but he's a python.

Gentlemen, I believe we're ready.

It's starting!

Live from the seaport town of

Mooseport, Maine: The mayoral debates.

With your candidates: Monroe "Eagle"

Cole and Harold "Handy" Harrison.

We take you now to your moderator,

Avery Hightower.

Good evening, I'm Avery Hightower.

I am honored to moderate...

...the second and final

Mooseport mayoral debate.

As is tradition, we will start with

a game of Rock Paper Scissors.

Handy, not scissors.

Gentlemen.

Mr. Hightower, could I...? I'd like to

make a statement first, if that's okay.

- Mr. President?

- That's fine. I have a statement also.

- Just... Okay? Thank you.

- All right. Yes. Gentlemen.

Hey. Hi, everybody.

I just want to say one thing.

I'm a little embarrassed about the way

I've been running my campaign.

An election, it shouldn't be about

personalities, you know? Or golf.

Or who we're dating.

Sally, if you're watching this...

... I was wrong to bring

our relationship into this.

I'm sorry.

I guess I did it again. I just brought

our relationship into it again.

So I'm sorry for that too.

I guess what I want to say is...

...an election should be about the town.

It should be about what we need...

...and how we can work together

to get things done.

The president can do

great things for us.

- Son of a...

- B*tch.

Having him as a mayor, it's an opportunity

that we can't pass up, folks.

Yeah, that's right!

Tomorrow morning...

...I'm going to the polls...

...and I'm casting my vote

for the president...

...Monroe Cole...

...for the mayor of Mooseport.

Son of a b*tch.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...what you've just seen

is a selfless act.

Handy Harrison is Mooseport.

He is Mooseport.

He knows its problems.

He knows its pulse.

He knows its plumbing.

As only a person who lives here can.

So tomorrow morning...

...I'm going to the polls,

and I'm walking into that booth...

...and opening that ballot,

that simple piece of paper...

...that our forefathers gave

their lives to secure...

...and I'm casting my vote

for Harrison.

Harold "Handy" Harrison.

Let's hear it.

Man, he's good.

What you've just seen, ladies and

gentlemen, is politics at its finest.

Politics as it should be.

You did good.

Harrison.

That was something, Mr. President.

You son of a b*tch! You knew I was

gonna do that, so you did it first!

- I didn't. How could I know?

- You bugged me!

What we have witnessed,

on this rare night...

Bugged you? What are you

talking about? I'm not doing anything.

...is a show of decency...

- Let me go!

...a show of inclusiveness...

- Get your hands off of him!

...a show of mutual respect.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

Let go of me!

It's time to follow their example.

It's time...

Let go of him!

Mr. President, are you okay?

I'll get it off, Mr. President.

Get it off me!

- Danny, you see that debate last night?

- Did I? Was anybody hurt?

Miraculously not.

Only minor bruises and abrasions.

Any idea what the heck happened?

- They're saying it was a freak accident.

- Very freaky.

Apparently the stage rigging snapped...

... and fell on the candidates

while they shook hands.

Wow. Well, you know what we say:

It's Mooseport.

Polls open in 20 minutes,

Mr. President.

- How about a little music to vote by.

- Good idea.

- Morning, sir.

- Morning, Mr. President.

Cloud, pull over here, will you?

How's your nose?

It's okay. How's your lip

and your back?

It's just the lip...

...and it's fine.

Well, I just assumed your back hurt,

because, you know...

...Irma jumping on it.

Well...

...see you at the poll.

You want to hit a few?

What, just hit them in the water?

Yeah. It's...

Martha's into scuba...

...and in the spring she puts on

a wetsuit and she goes and gets them.

Somehow or another I can't picture

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes