Welcome to Mooseport Page #7

- Would you like to know why?

- Absolutely.

Sit down there, Grace,

and just tell me all about it, okay?

Well...

...when you...

When we first came to live here, I...

- Excuse me, Mr. President.

- Could we have a minute here, please?

Sorry, Eagle, we have an emergency.

Unless somebody's dying,

I don't wanna hear.

It's Charlotte. She's coming here.

Howdy. Handy for mayor.

- Vote for Handy. That's right.

- Go to court.

Get a restraining order.

We got to do something about this.

The sure way, sir...

Dyer, this is too smart for her.

Who thought of this?

It was him, wasn't it? Yeah.

- Grace, I'll handle this.

- Yes, sir.

Vote for Handy.

I had dignity once.

Does anybody remember that?

Did Handy put you up to this?

Hello, Monroe. What brought you here?

Charlotte, hon, could we talk

in private, please?

This is as private as I got for 20 years.

What is it?

Sweetie, if we could just talk alone.

- Handy for mayor.

- We can work something out.

Honeybunch, can we go inside, please?

- Fine.

- Why do you think she's here, sir?

That ought to do it.

President's coming.

Better hide the payroll benefits.

- Charlotte, step into my office.

- Yes, dear.

Married couples have a shorthand,

Monroe. Ours is 9 million dollars.

- Nine? I don't have it!

- Twenty-five years.

A quarter of a century I endured,

and now you're pleading poverty?

You took the house, the boat.

You took everything but my title!

Hello, this is former

first lady Charlotte Cole.

I spent 25 years with Monroe Cole,

which is why I'm supporting Harrison.

Yes, you heard me.

I'm supporting Handy Harrison.

Eagle?

Have I gotten through

to you, lambkins?

I never thought you'd stoop

this low, Harrison.

I thought this was a fair fight

between two honorable men...

...but I see I'm up against somebody

who doesn't play by the rules.

- Have you no sense of decency?

- I'm sorry.

Talk about hitting below the belt.

Bringing in a man's ex-wife.

You're showing your true colors,

aren't you?

I had nothing to do with it!

- Watch your back.

- That's it. I've had it.

I want them both. I want you

to think about a way to do it.

- Coming through.

- Sir.

- Is he...? Is he serious?

- No! No! No!

Mr. President, you want a fair fight?

You just called me dishonorable, sir,

and I'm not.

So if it's a fair fight you want...

...just you and me...

...I think I know the place.

You're on.

What are we doing here, Harrison?

What are the stakes?

Mayor?

No, sir. Sally.

Loser backs off of Sally.

- We're both 10 handicaps, sir.

- Sir.

- Fair fight.

- You're on.

- Can I talk to you for a second?

- Show me the way.

Sir, there's something I'd like to

discuss with you about your game...

Eyeline.

- Nice shot.

- Thank you.

- A little bit left.

- Right where I was aiming.

I might drive the green.

Hello! Wait for me!

- What are you doing here?

- Just making sure a fair fight's fair.

Call them out, Mr. Dyer.

I'm, uh, sorry, ma'am?

Cloud!

You and your men come on out!

Oh, sh*t.

Come on! I know you're there!

- All right, come on out.

- Everyone onto the fairway.

We're securing the perimeter,

Mrs. Cole!

Secure it from there, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Stay in position.

Hit away, lambkins.

Wait! Wait! Wait for the bounce.

Damn. Take a mulligan.

We're playing for a woman, sir.

There's no mulligans.

Wha...? What do I do?

You've never hit a ball

out of bounds?

Not since I was governor.

You hit another one from here,

shooting three.

- Three?

- Three.

One, two...

...shooting three.

- Excuse me, Mr. President?

- What?

You can't beat him, sir.

What? We're the same handicap.

- Well, your handicap is augmented.

- What are you trying to say?

It was really Miss Sutherland's idea.

She had Dyer and Cloud

and occasionally me...

...we helped you with lucky bounces

and scorecard fudging.

And you can't beat him, sir.

Is there a problem?

No.

No problem.

- That one's in.

- Didn't quite get it on the green.

I'll take it.

You two have helped enough.

Hi, Peggy. Can I get a black coffee?

Sure.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Here you are, dear.

- Thanks.

So I hear they're golfing for mayor.

Actually...

...they're golfing for you.

- No.

- Yeah.

No.

Could I make this an Irish coffee?

This okay?

Oh, that's five.

- That was a gimme.

- No, no, no. There are no gimmes.

It was inside the leather.

You gotta get it in the hole.

I'll take a seven.

Actually, it's 15.

- Fifteen? No way.

- Yes way.

- The president is right. It's seven.

- Yeah, it's seven.

Well, let's count them.

One, out of bounds.

Two, back on the tee.

Three, in the rough.

Four, in the sand.

Five, you missed completely.

Six, almost out of the sand,

but still in it.

Seven, finally, out of the sand...

... into that sand.

Eight, out of the sand...

... into the rough. That's when you

threw your club at the tree.

Nine, you almost hit me.

Ten, you did hit me.

Eleven, on the green.

Twelve, you putt to six feet

past the hole.

That's when you said that curse

that I've never heard before.

Thirteen, you putt to one foot

from the hole.

Fourteen, you missed the putt.

You said, "That's a gimme. "

I said, "There are no gimmes. "

Fifteen, in the hole.

Fifteen.

That was so close.

All right.

Now, through the sugars.

And then around the saucer...

...and through the ketchup tunnel.

And the winner gets Morris Gutman.

- Married.

- Oh, right. Kent.

Are you trying to get me

to throw the match?

Reuben.

- Who? Who's Reuben?

- Reuben.

"I said, 'Get the president! '"

That's a great idea.

The winner gets Reuben.

Ready?

- Oh, my God.

- That must mean a do over.

Okay, Handy.

You're up about a million strokes.

It's the last hole.

How about double or nothing?

What's double? What's nothing?

Well, nothing is we're even.

Tie. Status quo.

Double would be I back off Sally,

drop out of the mayor's race.

You got it. Okay. Go ahead. You hit.

But, you know...

...if I'm going to risk all that...

...you got to give me something.

You got to...

- Oh, I don't know...

- What?

- One throw.

- Throw?

Yeah, I get one throw because

I can't play you even.

You got local knowledge here.

You're killing me.

He can't throw either. Bury him.

Okay. You get one throw,

but if we tie, I win.

Well, you drive a hard bargain,

but okay.

Yeah, baby.

There's the old form back.

What?

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey! What's that?

I said one throw.

I didn't say whose ball.

You're out of bounds.

Click, click, click.

Morning, sir. Everything all right?

Oh, just dandy.

I'm a 10 handicap and I shot a 142.

We have to have a serious talk

about my handicap, Miss Sutherland.

- Now, Mr. President?

- Later.

I heard you broke even.

At least you didn't lose.

The most humiliating round of my life.

Time to take the gloves off, Bert.

Let's bury this guy.

Well, sir, he's clean as a whistle.

Oh, come on. Surely he did something.

Knocked up a local? Grew marijuana?

Hell, I grew marijuana.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes