Welcome to the North Page #5

Colombo, from class 5D!

I was thinking of a reunion tonight,

are you free?

The kids have a fever?

How many do you have?

They're not yours.

You're a grandma.

Remember wild Lolly?

Do you still see her? How is she?

She's got arthritis.

Have a good evening, say hi

to your grand kids and Lolly.

- You see those two?

- There are three of them.

- Go and dance with them.

- Can you dance?

Are you joking?

Those moves are 50 years old!

What's up, ladies?

What's up?

Your wife left you, right?

Mattia, it's wonderlul!

Mattia, jump in!

Who is that jerk?

Hell, these southerners

come here to dance their folk dance.

As soon as they see

a pool with a bit of water

they jump in to wash up...

- We've got it wrong.

- It's a woman's diatribe.

Colours are washed at 30 C,

whites at 90 C.

We separated the colours...

- And washed them together.

- At 90 C.

- Too much rinse agent.

- The rinse agent!

- I told you.

- I'll call Maria.

- She's very good.

- And Silvia...

I know I shouldn't call you

but I have an important question.

Are we together or not?

I don't want to end up like Alberto.

He's a really sad case.

Well?

- It's engaged!

- Where are you?

In a meeting, but it doesn't matter.

Answer this question:

are we together or not?

I'm in a meeting!

- Sorry, I'm in a bad way.

- I can see that.

But he seemed happy

about his wife leaving.

- That's called repression.

- You don't need to tell me.

Repression is a typical

Milanese thing.

Looking at you,

I'd say Neapolitan too.

You give the bad news,

I'll give the gift.

Naples, we must

reschedule the dinner.

Right, how silly of me!

- Reschedule dinner, change date.

- Here's a gift, so you'll forgive us.

- "Teach yourself Milanese".

- Book and DVD. "Cler" is in there.

Thanks, I was looking for one.

I'm not going!

Alberto has gone mad.

He doesn't want to meet

the guys from Padua!

If Palmisani finds out,

he'll melt him in stamp acid.

You go, they never met Colombo.

- I can't cope with them too...

- Why not?

I should risk my ass for him?

Where are you going?

Why don't you go?

- Yes.

- Are you joking?

- Not at all.

- I don't know how to work.

Eveyone knows

I can't cope with responsibility,

my wife said so too.

I don't do it on purpose,

it's a personality thing.

Teach yourself Milanese:

Lesson one.

My name is Mario.

The book is on the table.

- Is he from Naples?

- Dunno!

Queuing at the post office

is a personal defeat for me.

Poor thing, he's not well.

You're wondering

why you should work faster.

For love! Efficiency at work

means fewer divorces.

Moron!

Calm down.

Calm down.

Okay, let's make an agreement.

I'll say this nonsense, you listen

and go home to your own divorce.

Well said.

Do you get my drift?

He's got it.

He was really very good.

Excuse me,

are you Alberto Colombo?

- The manager of Milano 3?

- Yes.

I'm not blind, you were bald.

I had a transplant.

Yes.

So you are Alberto Colombo.

- Remember me?

- Of course!

It's so good to see you,

I'm so happy.

Not as happy as me.

They sent me to Grignano Polesine

because ofy ou!

You don't even know where it is!

There's no respect for disabled folk.

Want some pasta with tuna?

I've already eaten.

Put your slippers on

or you'll ruin the floor.

- Silvia'll be mad if she comes back.

- She won't come back.

And if she does, I'll get mad.

Silvia!

Tidy up.

- May I?

- Come in, Scapece.

- Dear Mr Manager.

- Come in, Scapece.

Hi.

Isn't Mr Manager handsome?

I have to kiss him.

You're too handsome.

Why are you in Milan with my keys?

He has to get his gallstones

checked out

so I gave him the keys.

He says his gallstones

are the size of meatballs.

- I don't understand.

- He said they actually are meatballs.

Have you eaten? Want somefood?

- We're in hospital?

- No, we're hospitable.

Hospitable.

Is it good?

Yes, it's good,

but I've already eaten.

Mom made me an omelette

I ate at the station.

How old is your mother?

- Who else has the keys?

- Did you make copies?

- No.

- No one.

It's Silvia then.

Out, to the hotel, come on!

- Erminia.

- Hi, baldy.

Where's Silvia's pepper spray?

There's a madman about.

- I don't know.

- You never know anything.

- What's all this?

- I was about to...

Nonsense!

To clean up here you need

to throw everyhing out.

Starting from you, I told Silvia...

She married a filthy southerner.

- But I was born in Rozzano.

- And where is Rozzano?

In the south of Milan, so?

The Milanese are in Milan,

the Turinese are in Turin

and southerners are...

a pain in the ass!

Did you steal my slippers?

- No.

- You're a wretch, unbelievable.

Here it is, you see?

Who are you?

- A friend.

- Is that so?

- I don't understand.

- Where are you from?

I'm from North Chiasso.

- What about you?

- Hello, I'm Scapece from Aosta.

They were just leaving,

they came to visit.

- How's Silvia?

- Never been better!

You should see her in action

with Manolo.

- Who's Manolo?

- Her Tango teacher.

He really is a handsome man,

not like you.

- Where's Mr Trout?

- Disappeared.

Along with the bowl.

What's this?

Meatball shaped gallstones,

like mine.

- Whose are they?

- In all modesty, they're mine.

Wonderful, you're full of stones.

I'm going for a walk.

Wait, I'll come too.

- Where are we going?

- You're not going anywhere.

Your friend two families

yours and mine.

Be gone by the time I get back,

all of you.

Chin up,

the third week is the worst.

Silvia, you're back!

Help, I'm a virgin!

Speak clearly, we're abroad.

F*** you!

I understood that.

He says he doesn't care

about what we do at night,

it's our business.

- Get down!

- What are we doing?

You made me lose Silvia,

now get her back.

- By doing what?

- See that ugly old lady?

Put your balaclava on

and steal her handbag.

- You're crazy.

- Why?

That's your mother-in-law.

- Mugging your mother-in-law?

- I need the house keys.

- I'm sexier than Manolo...

- I don't know how to mug.

You're from Naples!

If I were in Baghdad

would I bomb the market?

I have to do everything.

- What are you doing?

- I'll do it.

So you do know how to do it!

Tramp! Thief!

Holy cow, take that!

I'll kill you like a cockroach.

There he is!

I'm from Naples, but I didn't...

Mattia, wait for me.

Enough, we have to stop that madman.

- He should be castrated.

- Let's impale him.

Calm down, ladies.

Let's find him first.

Please excuse me.

- Is that your husband?

- No, I don't think so.

They'll batter us, run!

Miss?

One moment, sir, I'm busy.

Where's Alberto?

- He's mugging someone.

- Funny...

This is mayhem,

no one knows what to do.

But I won't save his ass this time.

Dodi, how can you paint

your nails now? Look!

You Milanese folk only know

how to work, so why stop today?

Alberto has a problem,

his wife left him.

If he carries on like this,

he'll get fired.

Let's all try to help him.

That's what we'd do in the south.

We'll do that in the north too.

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