Welcome to Willits Page #5

I miss my mother.

[alien growling]

Well, okay.

How about I take

a little peek at yours?

How'd that be? Huh?

- No.

- You know what I mean?

[grunts]

Now, that's

gonna leave a mark.

This here's

gonna leave a wedge.

[grunting]

[distant yelling]

Oh, f***!

[grunting]

Aah!

[grunting]

Like I was sayin'

intergalactic,

mind-f***in'

son of a b*tch.

[door opens]

[screams]

Holy Mother.

What is that?

Proof! That's what it is.

Proof!

I mangled the other one

pretty bad

to get a sample, but look

at this goddamn thing.

That's what

I'm talking about.

Get some

freezer bags, baby.

Now, I'd mount it

right up there if

it didn't smell

like shaved ass.

Shaved ass juice.

Ugh.

Ugh, it's touchin' me.

I know.

It'll sting a little bit

right at first.

Then, it goes away.

It's fine.

Get in there.

Oh, yeah.

I got you!

You done!

You barbecue.

Yeah.

[gasps]

[whimpers]

[instrumental music]

[whistling]

[humming]

Hm.

[humming]

I should've been

a kindergarten teacher.

[grunting]

F***.

[grunting]

[breathing heavily]

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

- Peggy.

- Hm?

You really are quite

the homemaker.

Yeah, my momma

always said

"Peggy, if you're

gonna do it

"why do it wrong once

if you could do it

right twice?"

My mom always just

punched me in the face

told me not to smoke

in the house.

And I got, I got

a different color marker

for every single bag,

so we can help keep it

nice and, like,

organized.

You would've been

one helluva

kindergarten teacher.

Alright, let's do this.

Those other SOBs are

comin' and they ain't

gonna be too happy

that I killed

two of their compadres.

Let's do it.

This is probably

far enough, right?

No.

I wanna find a clearing.

I wanna see some stars.

Okay.

God..

Are you sure

you know exactly

what you're doin', baby?

Well, I don't know

exactly, but..

...I do know

I can't shove

the whole goddamn thing

in the freezer.

I can use a hand

over here.

Grab the..

Uh, can you -- can you

just hand me the, um..

...the -- the..

Can you just..

[gags]

[Peggy vomiting]

You want me to hold

your hair for ya?

God.

[saw whirring]

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.

- Baby.

- Yeah?

Do you not see

the joy around us?

The lovely weed garden?

This pot paradise?

Huh?

[giggles]

You are such a weirdo.

And you're all about me.

[laughing]

Come on.

[giggling]

Guys?

Guys?

Come on, guys,

this isn't funny.

Where the f*** are you?

[instrumental music]

Oh, God, that..

This is retarded.

Alright, well, I guess

it's better than nothing.

Here we go.

[Besh moaning]

[Klaus grunting]

[Klaus howling]

[both moaning]

[Klaus howling]

The smell don't get

any better.

[distant howling]

Shh, shh, shh.

Ya hear that?

Good ear, Peg.

That ain't no animal.

Sounds like it's comin'

from the garden.

Quick. Get the gun.

It's under the bed.

[intense music]

[door closes]

[Klaus grunting]

[alien growling]

So, this is what they

wanted with my weed.

[alien growling]

Slowly, Peg.

[growling continues]

Keep me flanked

on my right.

[both moaning]

Baby. Baby!

[gunshot]

No! Agh!

No! Please!

No! Please!

Aah! No!

[growling]

You picked the wrong place

to start a family.

Please!

Please! Oh, my God!

[growling]

[gunshot]

[dramatic music]

F***!

[grunting]

Come on, Cassie.

[sighs]

At least

I'm f***ing tryin'.

I f***ing hate you guys.

I swear when I get back

I am gonna go

to the gym everyday

and I'm gonna eat

really well

and I'm gonna call

my mom.

And I swear to God,

I am never, ever f***ing

going camping again.

You guys, we gotta, uh..

Hey, Klaus! Besh!

Ah, f***.

Cassie!

Cassie!

Just think, Peg,

if we hadn't intervened

when we did, these things

would've been parents.

Uh, sugar..

...what's that?

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.

People.

I'm not sure, but I got

a pretty good idea.

Probably sent a scout.

I doubt they sent one

to surrender.

Cassie!

Cass!

Actual people.

Oh, my God.

[intense music]

Welcome to Willits.

[gunshot]

Well, sh*t. What are we

supposed to do now?

Now, we have another one

to deal with.

Should we bury 'em?

I'm not gonna show 'em

that much respect.

Well, they're not gonna

all fit in the freezer.

- You think I'm stupid?

- No.

Well, that's a rhetorical

question, honey

'cause

I know they ain't

all gonna fit

in the goddamn freezer.

But, baby, my parents

are comin' in a week.

What am I

supposed to say?

That we got rotten

jack-o'-lanterns

all over the yard

from Halloween?

Why can't your parents

just stay

in Shreveport

like my parents?

Okay, look. We burn 'em

in the burn barrel.

We use the ashes

for fertilizer.

Alright.

[grunting]

[grunts]

Sh*t.

[dramatic music]

Ah, f***.

F***. Zack.

Where'd you put 'em?

You think

they come from, like..

...one of those like

really far planets

or somethin'?

I heard that

Pluto's far --

Yeah, well,

it ain't local.

You see that

right there?

Maybe that's where

they're from --

- Damn it, Peg!

- No!

Why do you

always do that?

What difference does

it make what planet

galaxy, dimension

they come from, okay?

Why do you

always do that?

Sorry.

Their family's

lookin' at us.

Don't, you don't

always have to know

every goddamn thing that

I'm doin' here.

- Just let me do my job.

- Okay?

- Okay?

- Okay.

I'm just tryin'

to get her done.

- I'm just tryin' to help.

- Hey, get that.

Which one?

Yeah, we're gonna

save that one.

Right here.

How 'bout this one?

This one's a good one.

Put it in.

Yeah.

Gettin' her done.

Well, okay then.

Pretty much oughta

do 'er.

Goddamn, they're

f***in' ugly.

Let's send

these f***ers back..

...from whence

they come.

Poetic justice.

Besides, we don't

want 'em

stinkin' up the place.

- No, we don't.

- Two in the woodpile,

right?

- No, we don't.

- Right, Peg?

Look at it.

[gasps]

Look at that.

All Halloween orange

and chimney red.

- Right?

- I like it.

- Get it.

- I'm gonna get more logs.

Okay.

Now, you keep puttin'

them on the fire.

- I'm gonna get more gas.

- Okay.

Them are gonna

burn really nice.

Hey, baby, where's

the goddamn gas can?

Ugh..

Let me bring a light.

Where's the goddamn gas,

Peg?

Could you not

shine the light

in my goddamn face,

and shine it down here?

I'm tryin'.

Well, stop tryin'

and start doin'.

Did you get more gas

like I asked?

It's now or never, babe.

Obviously I did.

What makes it obvious?

The fact that I can't

find it?

Well..

...maybe it was them.

What?

Them.

Maybe it was them?

So...they fly high

way across the universe

would have to siphon fuel

for their spaceship?

Does that make

sense to you?

Hm?

I'm sorry. I'll get some

more tomorrow mornin'

before I

make you breakfast.

I'm gettin' tired, babe.

Well, goddammit,

I've been tired.

No, I mean sleepy, hon.

Alright.

We'll go back inside

and do another hit.

We shouldn't even consider

sleepin' tonight.

They're burnin' good.

You think they'll go..

...to regular hell?

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