West Is West Page #3

and his daughters nothing.

Is that what all this is about?

Who gets left what?

They say you're not Pakistani.

Only half.

- And this is bad.

- Bad for me, all right.

I keep getting my f***ing head

kicked in for it in England.

What a pair of bastards!

F*** 'em. And me dad.

I'll find Maneer a wife.

- You?

- Yeah.

He's good enough

for any of them around here.

Bit of a twat, mind.

But, you know, I'll f***ing show 'em.

- You can't do this.

- Yeah, I can.

You're gonna help me.

Sajid!

Baster.

Sajid!

He's a long way from home, Jahangir.

He learn. Is why I bring here.

Sajid!

He run wild in England.

- He's just a boy.

- You don't know him, Pir-ji.

He not know who he is.

All he know is he hate me.

- It's time he needs.

- He have that here, huh?

Master-ji Eyaz will teach him

everything else.

You brought him here

to teach him about your life.

Let him discover it for himself.

And if he no like what he sees?

What if you don't like what you see?

Send the boy to me.

I'll settle him down.

Then he will be ready

for Master-ji Eyaz and his books.

He needs discipline.

Then, with your permission,

I'll beat him regularly.

In Pakistan, they've got

the juiciest mangoes in the world.

What's that got to do

with getting Maneer a wife?

- Mangoes grows on trees, and a woman...

- Oh!

When we pick a woman, we have

to remember how we pick mangoes.

Yank them off a branch, don't you?

You have to take time.

Pick the ripest fruit.

Best size, soft skin, but firm to touch.

And then, give them a little squeeze.

They'd chop me bleeding hands off

if you get caught.

Yeah.

What about her?

Too old. Left on trees too long.

And the one in the red?

Too much colour. Too much sun.

Very sour inside.

And the one next to her?

No. Taubah, taubah, taubah.

Never, never, never

pick up fallen mangoes.

She shouts all the time. Talks too much.

Listens to the radio all night.

I think she makes a very bad wife.

Turned you down, did she?

Yeah.

- Have you, uh, ever had it off?

- Shut up!

Now get a move on. Pir Naseem's waiting.

- What kind of woman do you fancy?

- Shut up!

- I'm only asking, that's all.

- It's none of your business.

'Cause if people knew, they'd know

what to look for, wouldn't they?

Come on, will you?

Tall, small? Dark, light?

With plait, without plait?

- Get a move on.

- I'm not going. He's madder than me.

Okay. Make your own flippin' mind up.

I've had enough.

Hello? Anyone there?

Hello!

You're early.

- I'm not staying.

- You don't have to.

You're supposed to

teach me something, aren't you?

What do you want to know?

Never make friends

with an elephant keeper

if you have no room in your house

to entertain his elephant.

What's that supposed to mean?

If you're not staying,

what's the point in telling you?

Not very good, are you?

No.

I never have been.

But it occupies the time

and helps me to think.

And anything that stimulates thinking

is a good thing.

- What do you think about?

- Oh.

Entertaining elephants.

Come. Are you afraid of an old man?

I ain't scared of anything.

You could be a head-the-ball,

for all I know.

- What's a "head-the-ball"?

- A nutter.

- Someone that's poggled.

- Poggled. Yes, yes, yes.

It has been said of me before.

Head-the-ball!

- Bleedin' hell!

- That's as good a phrase as any.

Go. Go and explore. Go on, I'll be here.

Time. That's time, Sajid,

spread out before you.

Thousands of people

populated those stones,

each one leaving a trace of themselves

on the other.

All leading to you.

- Me?

- Yes, of course.

We're all part of the same story.

And we, in our turn,

will leave traces of ourselves, too.

But what we leave,

and how we choose to leave it,

is entirely up to us.

That's what makes life so interesting.

Huh?

We did lot of repair recently, Uncle.

The roof, the wall was falling down.

But I took care of it.

Mmm.

It is looking good, hai na, Uncle?

You can go to England next week,

with no worries

about what is happening here.

Everything is in safe hands.

I no going back yet.

Huh?

Time we had new house. Modern.

New house?

But Uncle, that is very expensive.

And time. What about chippy chop?

- I worry about time and money.

- Auntie Ella in England?

We build there.

Pull that damn thing down.

Here.

Nice.

Good.

I think I would like

to get married soon.

Me, too.

I want... You know. Soon.

Me, too.

Will you get married

to a Pakistani girl?

If they all milk cows like that,

I might.

Lucky cow.

Oh, my God.

- Come on.

- What is it?

It's Nana Mouskouri.

Quick! We're gonna lose her.

You take that roof, I'll take this one.

Oh, sh*t.

That one'll turn on you

if you're not careful.

He's right, chacha. Maybe you

start off with the water buffalo?

I know what I bloody doing.

I doing this when I same size as Sajid.

No, no, no.

What a d*ckhead.

- See?

- Very good, chacha.

No, no, no, no!

Move, basters!

You are just a bit out of practice,

chacha.

I go back to house.

How does it feel?

- Looks all right.

- But how does it feel?

Comfortable. I feel comfortable.

Good.

"He sat,

in defiance of municipal orders,

"astride the gun Zam-Zammah

"on her brick platform

opposite the old Ajaib-Gher,

"the Wonder House,

as the natives call the Lahore Museum."

"Natives"?

- What Imperialist rubbish!

- Pir-ji!

Very well.

"Who holds Zam-Zammah,

that fire-breathing cannon..."

- Holds the Punjab!

- Holds the Punjab!

Sajid! Come now!

Come. I'll walk with you.

He's been asking me what you've

been teaching me all this time.

- Ah? And what did you tell him?

- That you won't tell me anything.

Very good. Very good!

I wish you to remain ignorant.

He's still going on

about me being more Pakistani and that.

- You know, traditional.

- Mmm.

Your father, and many like him,

have made better lives

for themselves abroad.

But do you think you can move

to another country

and expect to find everything the same?

That your new world

will not affect your life?

As for tradition, well,

I walk to my hut every night

by the same path.

Now, if a cobra decides to sit

in the middle of that path,

do I walk on and get bitten?

Or do I take the other path and live?

We have to adapt to the situations

and worlds we find ourselves in.

The alternative...

Is you'll get your arse

bitten by a snake.

Yes. Amongst other things.

- Sajid!

- Ah!

Go. Your father's waiting for you.

Have you just taught me something?

Who holds Zam-Zammah

holds the Punjab!

Who holds Zam-Zammah holds the Punjab!

Oh!

You see all life

at the Khari Sharif, Sajid.

People from all over the world

travel to worship

at the shrine of the Saint.

All are welcome

who are in search of the light,

no matter what path they follow.

Come.

Let me show you something.

- What's the point of this one?

- What do you see?

Nothing.

Really?

Is it the same rude boy

who didn't like my flute playing?

I don't know any more.

I don't know what they want.

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