What Happened Last Night Page #4

It's just a party, mom.

It's at the gamma pi

omicron house.

Don't worry.

Mindy's going with me.

Liz and a bunch

of other girls too.

It'll be fine, mom.

Don't worry. Midterms don't

start for another two weeks.

I only got three of them.

I'll do fine.

Dave?

No.

I haven't heard from him.

Yeah, single life's fine

with me, dude.

It's been two and a half weeks.

I'm sure I'll find someone

eventually, yeah.

Sooner or later someone's bound

to come into my life, mom.

I... I just have to be patient,

and...

Just wait and see.

Everything happens

for a reason, right?

It's just hard to find a reason

for all this right now.

But someday, mom.

Somewhere, Greg.

I'll find them.

I'll find them.

Or...

Or he'll find me.

I'll just wake up one day,

and she'll be right there

next to me.

I can wait.

I'll be patient.

Really not the most important...

It's not the most important...

thing in my life now.

Really, mom?

I'll be fine.

I'm only 21 years old.

I'm only 21 years old.

I got my whole life to find her.

There's just so much

I wanna do right now.

Being tied down would just...

I'm not worried.

Hold me back.

Look, I need to go.

I better get some studying done

if I wanna go out tonight.

I'll talk to you later, bro.

I love you.

I love you too.

Bye.

Later, man.

All right. Let's go, giants!

Don't y'all think we should

start cleaning for the party?

Good idea.

Yeah, thanks, Freshie.

Why don't you start

picking some stuff up?

Who's getting the keg tonight?

I don't know.

One of the pledges, I guess.

Wait, wasn't Danny

supposed to go get it?

No shot, dude. Danny doesn't

even wanna come tonight.

What do you mean?

Megan stopped by.

Who's Megan?

Wait, you don't know

who Megan is?

No.

Megan Decatur?

Does that ring a bell?

Uh...

No, but back in Iowa,

there's this place

called Decatur county,

and every year they have

the annual Decatur county fair.

And you know what,

they had this fat sow contest.

Where you get your sows

as fat as possible,

bring them down

to the fairground.

And the fattest sow

will win $10.

Well, the sow didn't win

the money, the owner did.

Once, when I was 7 years old,

my fat sow Pauly

won third place.

I won a whole $2.

Uh, the next day,

I don't know what happened

to Pauly,

but I'll tell you what:

My mama made the best darn bacon

we ever had.

You know, come to think of it,

I never did find out

what happened to Pauly...

Touchdown!

Joey, you gotta get Danny

to come.

Yeah, man,

this is the last gamma bash.

I know, I know.

He just didn't need

to see Megan today.

Dude, he doesn't need

to see Megan ever.

So Megan is his ex?

She's not just his ex, Freshie.

She's psychotic.

Plus, she's a brother banger.

Uh, what's that?

A girl that goes

from fraternity to fraternity,

sleeping with as many brothers

as she can

before she gets caught

and banned from their house.

Dan just happened to be

the first brother she got.

Yeah, but she also led him on

and made him think

she was serious about him.

And then hopped into bed with

another one of our brothers,

who shall remain nameless.

Unfortunately,

said brother didn't know

that Megan was with Danny.

But Megan new he was Danny's

gamma pi omicron brother.

So therefore,

she's a brother banger.

Oh, I get it.

She kind of like a road jumper.

Back in Iowa, when older kids

wanted to make out,

they head over to the cornfield

off of cherry Lane.

There was this girl,

Ellie may Johnson.

Man, she had her fellas meet her

in a different corn row

every 15 minutes.

Now, after she was done

rolling around in the dirt

with one fella,

she hike up her britches

and head on to the next.

I mean,

I never hooked up with her.

I done heard stories about she take

an ear of corn right off the stalk.

Man, she'd shuck it...

It's good!

Oh, my god.

You know she's not

coming tonight, right?

Yeah. I even told him

I put a sign on the door

telling her to go home.

Man, we really need

to hook Danny up with someone.

Yeah? Like who?

Dude, what about my sister?

No. Your sister looks just

like you, except she has braids.

Why don't we just pay someone?

Are you out

of your freaking mind?

Remember what happened

the last time

we had a prostitute in here?

Not a prostitute, moron.

We just give some chick

like 5 bucks to kiss him.

Oh, that's a great idea.

You know, back in Iowa,

we had the annual

corn-shucking festival,

right in the heart of my town.

And Mrs. Stribbler,

the third grade teacher,

she have herself

a kissing booth.

Let me tell you, man, boys,

and even some curious girls

line up miles on end

just to lay one on her.

And just for 1 whole dollar,

she'd open-mouth kiss you

for a while 15 seconds.

Now, if you gave her

an extra 50 cents

and you asked her real nice,

she'd take her dentures out...

and make her mouth

all gummy and mushy.

Freshie!

Don't speak.

I'll get Danny here tonight.

How are you gonna do that?

I don't know.

How about beer for beer?

Yes.

What's beer for beer?

Thanks for volunteering,

Freshie.

You have to drink as many beers

as Danny does tonight.

You go beer for beer.

Oh, I get it. We did the same

sort of thing back in Iowa.

Except it wasn't beer,

and it wasn't who puked first.

It was whoever stunk up

the bathroom first who lost.

You see,

we drunk this

corn malt liquor instead.

We drunk it out of these big,

frosty glasses

of old bill's pride.

Tastes like salt and butter.

You know, the stuff you put

on popcorn at the movies.

Well, it went down real smooth,

but once it hits

your intestines, watch out.

We had fistfights to find out

who got to the bathroom first.

I messed up

so many britches that way.

You know, I couldn't tell

my mama why my bile's failing.

So she took me

to the, um, pro... "protologist."

Dr. Warren, with the greasy

fingers, and then i...

Freshie, for the love of god,

that's it.

You are going beer for beer

with every single brother

at this party.

Can I have milk too?

You wanna mix your beer

with milk?

Oh, no, man.

It ain't nothing like that.

You see, I just like chasing

my beer with milk.

You see, back in Iowa...

No, Freshie.

If you want milk,

you can have milk.

But you're drinking

the same amount of beer.

Now, shut up and clean.

Sarah, come on, let's go.

I'm in the middle of something,

Mindy,

give me another hour.

No. It's 9:
00.

Let's go.

Hey.

Oh, my god. You're not

wearing that, are you?

What's wrong

with what I'm wearing?

Nothing, unless you wanna go to

the corner and ask for change.

I don't even wanna go

to this thing tonight, Mindy.

But you are.

And we're gonna find you

clothes to wear.

Look...

I'll just change my shirt, okay?

Yeah, no. You're finding

a new man tonight, Sarah.

Maybe I don't want to.

Voila.

You want me to wear a dress?

Yeah. Liz is wearing one,

and I kind of told her

you'd wear one too.

Why can't you wear it?

Well, because I'd have

the unfair advantage, duh.

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