What Love Is Page #10

Pick an environmental

organization. Greenpeace.

Good. Just look under the,

uh, flap for Greenpeace.

Oh, my god.

What do you think that means?

What do you do with your hands?

Just twist it on the stroke?

Or do you just go handsfree?

Oh, my god.

I am so glad you asked me

that question.

Whoever's down there for you

couldn't possibly know

what you need them to know.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the same with us.

I know men who make women stop.

"It's not a f***ing artichoke. "

Are you kidding?

Oh, no, girlfriend, I so am not.

Do you think that's me?

I thought I was so good.

Oh, honey, every woman does.

It takes a man to know a man.

Frankly, I am like

the Shaolin f***ing master.

My god. Are you serious?

Totally.

What do I do?

Well, first you gotta love it.

If you don't,

you shouldn't be there.

You have to get in there

and just kinda "yeeow!"

I cannot tell you

what a positive attitude

will do for a blowj*b.

Got it.

Next, you gotta take it all.

All?

You want perfection, don't you?

But what if he's like Shaq?

I mean, I'm a small girl.

Then, honey, you have to learn

to unhinge

like a f***ing python.

You will never be the queen

until you learn to swallow

the king.

Oh, my god.

You gotta work that taint.

Use a lot of saliva,

absolutely no teeth. Yeah.

Last but certainly not least,

the quintessential move.

The keys to the kingdom.

Yes? Yes?

The way to f***ing bang cock

in Bangkok is...

yeah?

... You gotta lick that ass.

And don't even be shy about it,

sweetheart.

You gotta get all up in there.

What?

Ask any man who's had it done

well, and they will tell you,

"it ain't truly a blowj*b

until you've tapped that ass. "

- Oh, my god!

- I cringe to think

what else she had to say.

She didn't say much.

Compared to what?

Girls like to talk.

You know this.

I guess that rules out

you and me, then.

Why?

Don't you girls have a code?

I've been with Katherine,

a friend of yours, so...

If I met a girl

who'd been with a friend,

she'd be off-limits

till the end of time.

Don't you girls have

that same rule?

Some do, but women are

much more competitive,

so once word gets out on a man

with potential,

women have been known to do

some pretty outlandish sh*t.

Really?

Mm-hm.

Nothing so overt

as the 11th-man theory.

But women have to make

everything seem

like the man's idea.

You know about the 11th man?

Doesn't everybody?

George told you, didn't he?

Yep, at the bar.

Bastard.

You see, women are more subtle.

They circle.

Like sharks.

Exactly. They get

a man in their sights

and put themselves in close

physical proximity to him

so he's forced to make a move,

thus making him think

that he is the aggressor.

You go through all that just

to get a guy to talk to you?

You have no idea

what we go through.

You guys are like the f***ing

godfather or something.

Hm-hm. If you're so smart

and you know so much,

what am I supposed to do now?

Now you're supposed to ask me

to go outside with you

to help you bring

that thing in from the car,

and somehow,

we never seem to make it back.

Really?

Really.

Remind me never to piss you off.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I'll make sure you get

all the right instructions.

What instructions? You take,

uh, two parts h, one part o.

Then pour 'em both

down the drain.

You never water down

a 40-year-old scotch.

I'm glad to see tom has you

around to stay on these things.

I'm trying to get

as numb as possible

before tom's girl gets here.

Believe me, this is gonna

hurt me almost as bad him.

You really think

she's that over him?

Women don't make a move

unless they're ready.

They could be with a guy

and spend the last six months

trying to get over the guy

so when they're ready

to move on, they move on.

Guys are totally different.

When they break up,

they do it fast,

but they could spend years

trying to get over the girl,

'cause usually,

they don't think it through.

So I take it you don't have

any huge love problems

walking through that door.

No problems for me.

I'm married.

So that's why you're out

at 3:
00 in the morning

drinking with the boys.

Uh, no, I'm not exactly

out drinking. I live upstairs.

Uh-huh. What,

your wife doesn't drink?

No, I don't sleep.

I'm an architect.

I do most of my drawing

at night,

and, uh,

when my wife nods off,

I sometimes come down here

to procrastinate.

Okay, so are you gonna

stick with that one,

or do you want some time

to come up with something else?

Man, I ain't got time

to think of nothing else.

But she's not here now.

But she's gonna be.

The anticipation

is giving me a panic attack.

Can you please just calm down?

Just relax and breathe.

Uh, yeah, right.

Ugh. Breathe, breathe.

People say "breathe"

when you can't breathe.

But if you could, you'd be

breathing. It makes no sense.

A lot of things don't make

sense, like waiting outside

for a woman

who doesn't appreciate you

and has no idea who you are.

What are you talking about?

How long have you been together?

What, like three years?

Yeah.

Did you ever once think

about cheating? No.

Ever lie to her? Ever hit her?

No. No.

Treat her badly?

Tsk, no.

Tell her she was beautiful?

Every day.

Remember her birthday?

'Course.

You bought her flowers?

All the time.

Even for no apparent

reason at all? Yeah.

Then that is exactly

what I'm talking about.

You are a good man.

You are a decent human being.

If she doesn't know what kind of

man you are after three years,

then I am sorry, she doesn't

deserve to be with you.

So now you're out here,

freaking out for no good reason.

No, Deb. I think

there's a pretty good reason.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Booyah.

I was gonna ask Sara

to marry me tonight.

What?

I went to the bar to knock back

a couple of shots

of that liquid courage

just so I can come home

and have the nerve to ask her.

Never got the chance.

And she still doesn't know?

No.

But wait a sec. No, no, no.

What about this party and all of

these people in there?

Sal invited you guys, didn't he?

I mean, I didn't.

I only invited him,

Ken and George.

I thought it would be cool if

they were here when I asked her.

Surprise 'em all, you know,

it being Valentine's day.

You're telling me that Sal

all those guys don't know?

No. I think

it's actually ironic

that all Sara ever talked about

was us getting married,

and now when I'm finally ready

to do it, she's gone.

Do you think maybe

she got sick of waiting?

I don't know.

You have to tell her.

You know that, tom.

I mean, I know it's gonna

seem like really bad timing

and everything,

but I mean,

you know you have

to tell her.

It's not too late.

I don't know, Deb.

I mean,

it just doesn't seem right.

A girl not wanting

to be with you

because you don't ask her

to marry you

within the time frame

she feels is appropriate?

What about love?

Doesn't that have anything

to do with it? Tom...

I always wanted

to marry Sara, Deb. Always.

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