What Planet Are You From? Page #4

- That's not the point.

- Then what is the point?

Oh, God. I knew it.

I knew this normal guy,

normal life thing had a big catch.

Harold, please. Harold.

I have to stop.

No, I can't do this.

Part of this whole thing

about me changing my life...

...and living by a different set

of rules is...

You'll laugh, but I decided

I won't have sex until I'm married.

Sorry?

You see, I am finally free

not to have to have sex.

Do you have any water? Never mind.

I'll help myself.

Thanks for coming.

Have you gotten a woman pregnant yet?

I'm close, but there are variables

I'm not prepared for.

You're close?

Yes. But she wants to get married.

3 billion females, and you pick

one that wants to get married.

- Yes.

- That is bad luck.

- What should I do?

- Marry her.

I'm not trained for marriage.

Perry says it's hell.

- Who's Perry?

- This guy at work.

He didn't think Susan was hot.

Who's Susan? Why is she hot?

Is she on fire?

Susan is the woman.

Earth probes are at Jupiter. In three

generations, they'll know about us.

Our takeover must be complete by then.

Marry her, impregnate her,

and don't call me again.

The more we make contact,

the greater risk of discovery.

Thanks a lot.

Notice anything unusual

about the jolt that hit the plane?

Well, it wasn't like anything

I've ever experienced.

Did you see anything fly by the

aircraft around the time of the jolt?

No, I was busy trying to keep things

calm in the cabin.

A lot of panic?

You can imagine.

Except for one jerk.

He started hitting on me right after.

He acted like nothing even happened.

Tell me about the guy that hit on you.

Darn it. I knew I shouldn't

have said anything.

Okay, I went out with a passenger.

I'm guilty.

Excuse me?

We're not supposed to date passengers,

but I met him after, at a function.

We went to my place,

but nothing happened.

So you first noticed him

after the jolt?

Yes, he was very obnoxious.

What was he like before the jolt?

I don't remember seeing him

before the jolt.

Did you notice anything peculiar

or unusual about him?

Not really.

Until we got to my place.

Then there was something odd.

Go on.

Again, nothing happened,

but while we were fooling around...

...there was this strange humming sound

coming from his pants.

From the front or the back?

The front.

From the crotch area.

Do you remember his name?

Harold Anderson.

There was no Harold Anderson

on that flight.

Oh, my God.

We have a problem funding your loan.

We checked...

...and it turns out there's five frozen

yogurt places within a one-mile radius.

- Hey, stranger.

- Hey, it's you!

I'm thinking about opening

an account here.

Yeah, I don't have a lot of money.

I have $7.35.

I'd like to put some of it

into a T-bill, some into stocks...

...and the rest I'd just like to save

for a rainy day.

Would you think about marrying me?

All right. I deserved that.

I'm serious. I thought about

what you said the other night.

Everything I said was such a turnoff.

I went completely overboard.

It was typical Susan.

You know what?

There was some of that.

Susan...

What is your last name?

Hart.

Susan Hart...

...would you do me the honour

of marrying me?

You're serious.

I want to marry you.

I could court you

for six months or a year...

...and we could get to know

each other, then break up...

...or we could do something

that I think we both want now...

...and that's have a child.

Wow! And I just came in

to ask you to lunch.

- You really mean this?

- Yes.

Can I think about it?

If you think you have to.

This room will be perfect

for the baby.

Oh, you have a baby.

We're having one in about six months.

Congratulations. That's wonderful.

I'm sure they'll accept our offer.

You'll be very happy here.

Thanks. You've been great.

We'll talk to you soon.

- What?

- Just f*** her right in front of me.

You're never getting pregnant again.

Never.

It's insanity.

Come on. You're off the booze.

You're off the musicians...

...and now you want to get married?

And to a man you barely know?

Don't make me put together

an intervention.

Thank you.

This is Susan's life.

It's not our place to pass judgment.

If she wants to get married and make

an idiot of herself, it's her choice.

- Is that the waiter?

- No, that's a gay guy without a jacket.

- Why is marriage a bad choice?

- Please!

She doesn't even know the man.

There's something to be said for

jumping off the end of the diving board.

Life is short.

Until you marry the wrong guy.

Then it gets pretty long.

I am almost dehydrated.

What do you want to do, Susan?

I'll tell you what she's thinking:

Being single is great.

But she goes onto the street...

...or into people's homes

and sees babies everywhere.

They're taking over.

I thought that, then I'd look

at those little shits...

...and get angry because it looks like

they're taunting you, saying:

"Why don't you have one of me yet?

Why are you a loser?"

- You don't like my baby?

- Your baby's adorable.

When her head gets normal,

she'll be gorgeous.

- Her head is normal!

- I'm kidding!

I want to find out more about this guy.

Is he rich?

- You can't ask that.

- Why not?

Because she doesn't know, okay?

How can you have a child with a man

you don't even know?!

Excuse me. You were

artificially inseminated.

Yes, I was, but I knew the technician

longer than she's known this guy!

I'm out of time.

Do you have to go?

No...

...I'm running out of time.

I think that would be great.

I'm looking forward to it.

Hold on. Someone's on the other line.

Hi, Harold. It's me.

Hey, me.

Yes.

The answer is yes.

I will marry you.

Hold on a second.

Debbie, I won't be able to go

rollerblading this weekend.

I'm getting married. Bye.

I'm back, Mrs. Anderson.

I like the sound of that.

Me too.

- You don't mind?

- No. Is this everything?

This is all my work. If my clients

call, you have their information.

- I didn't even know you were doing her.

- I'm not.

You're marrying a woman

you've never had sex with?

Didn't you see The Crying Game?

You think she's got the goods, lift up

her skirt, it's Oscar Mayer time.

- Is this your third-quarter report?

- Fisk won't need this till I get back.

- Damn it!

- What?

Let's go. What am I talking

about here? I'm such a downer.

Imagine not banging your wife

until you're married. How romantic.

Everything will work out fine.

Not that that's ever happened.

I'm kidding. Congratulations.

- Thanks again for doing this.

- Go get her, tiger.

I promise to respect you, even if

I don't always understand you.

I will honour you

and take care of you...

...and though it's not

politically correct...

...I will obey you as long as

your request is reasonable.

I will be mother to your children...

...and love you until

death do us part.

Very nice.

- Harold.

- Present.

No, your vows are next.

This is where they all get nervous.

Susan, I'm so happy

we're getting married.

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