What Planet Are You From? Page #5

You know what they say.

Sometimes less is more.

Harold and Susan, by the powers granted

to me by the state of Nevada...

...I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

You can kiss the bride.

Stop. I never thought I'd say this,

but I can't take any more.

- A few more times.

- No.

- Where'd you learn that?

- What?

You're amazing.

I've had so many orgasms, some are

still stacked up waiting to land.

- Aren't you tired?

- Tired of waiting.

Come on. Let's get it on.

Let's talk.

Okay.

I still wish we'd been married

in a church with a lot of people.

I always dreamed of

a wedding like that.

Me too.

Stop. Stop.

I thought we'd take a helicopter trip

over Hoover Dam or something.

- When we could be making love?

- I need a break.

We've been screwing

for 21 hours nonstop.

- We've had room service.

- We did it while I ate.

If I'd known that'd happen,

I wouldn't have ordered soup.

I heard this happens after you marry.

The woman loses interest in sex.

I love sex with you...

...but I want to do something

that involves, I don't know, standing.

Let's do some goofy tourist thing.

Like what?

So back to the room, then?

- Knock-knock.

- Perry.

- I am very impressed with this work.

- Thank you.

It looks like you've done Anderson's

work as well.

This third-quarter report is brilliant.

I didn't know you had it in you.

Now you do, and I hope

you keep that in mind...

...when you pick a new vice president

for this bank.

I admit that Harold had

the inside track...

I don't know if I trust Anderson.

It's strange, but what kind of guy

marries a chick after one date?

I smell some weird cult thing.

I have no facts at all

to back that up...

...but if they show up dead with

40 friends, then we'll know for sure.

I'm sure he's not...

Not to tell tales, but he is lazy,

except for when you're around.

The rest of the time

he talks about his time in prison.

- Wasn't supposed to say that.

- I'm back.

Hey, buddy.

How was the honeymoon?

Good. Great.

How was Vegas? Never mind.

How many times you bang the wifey?

Come on, how many?

126. Why?

You serious?

126 times in a week?

Harold, there's a Mr. Roland Jones

here to see you.

Excuse me.

I thought you said he was lazy.

- Hi. Harold Anderson.

- Roland Jones.

- Have a seat.

- Thank you.

I won't take up much time. I'm with

the Federal Aviation Authority.

Don't tell me

the government needs a loan.

That's another story.

Maybe you can help me out here.

You were on an Arizona West flight from

Seattle a few weeks ago, weren't you?

I'd have to check my day planner.

I do a lot of flying.

Let me remind you of the flight.

The plane experienced severe turbulence.

It frightened a lot of the passengers.

I don't remember it being scary.

I remember a small bump and then...

Was there something

mechanically wrong with the plane?

Do you still have your ticket?

I wish I did.

I throw all that stuff out.

- You don't save it for the records?

- Don't keep records.

Don't tell my boss.

I could win a Pulitzer in fiction

for some of my expense reports.

I won't waste any more of your time.

A little light reading.

Have you seen

this month's issue of Playboy?

Check out this month's Playmate.

Tell me if you think

those babies are real.

I think those are real.

Me too.

I'll be in touch.

God!

Where are the pictures?

- Pictures?

- Of the honeymoon.

As a friend, you're obligated

to bore me with your pictures.

I don't have any.

You didn't take pictures?

I took some, but I wanted to fill

the roll before I had it processed.

You took less than

one roll of pictures?

What is that?

I guess she was kept busy

doing other things.

You could say that.

It was pretty great.

I'll bet, I'll bet.

There's just one thing.

Yes, there's always "one thing. "

I don't know how serious this is

or if I should be worried, but...

What?

How should I put this?

When he's aroused, his penis vibrates.

Hey, "two-two-two mints in one. "

Wait. What do you mean, it vibrates?

"Vibrates" is not really the word.

It's more like...

- There's a humming sound.

- Humming.

I was with a black guy whose penis

whistled when he got excited.

- Stop!

- Yes! I'm not kidding!

What did it whistle?

The score from Guys and Dolls.

It just whistled.

- You would ask that.

- I thought I was making tea.

I love it. I love it.

Hi, honey! You're home.

You remember the girls.

Yes. Hello.

Showtime.

I guess you don't like my friends.

Why do you say that?

You barely acknowledged them.

What's the problem?

I don't know. They're your friends.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I had a bad day at work.

You want to talk about it?

No.

Have you taken the pregnancy test?

No, but I will in a few days. You're

not looking at me when I talk to you.

You're looking at me,

but you're not really looking.

I'm looking right at you

and listening, I swear.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably not you.

It's probably me.

Can we just try

to have a conversation?

Oh, Christ!

Turn that thing off.

You should pee on it again.

- You pee on it. I'm done.

- I just want to know for sure.

I feel like I'd be worth nothing

to you if I couldn't conceive.

What if I can't have a baby?

Did you think about that?

I led a pretty wild life. All that sex

and drinking. Maybe I can't conceive.

- How much sex and drinking?

- That's not the point.

You brought it up.

How would we know for sure?

I don't know.

I'd have to have an exam.

Then let's call

and schedule something.

I have to talk to you.

- What?

- Nothing.

You said you wanted to talk.

I changed my mind.

What are you thinking?

- Who?

- You.

What are you thinking right now?

I don't remember.

It's not like the world will stop

spinning if I can't have a child.

There's such a thing as adoption.

That's a viable alternative.

What are you thinking now?

That you're telling me

you can't have a baby.

Is that all you're thinking?

Let me think.

Yeah.

I want to have a child.

I'm as into having a child as you are.

I'm getting this vibe from you,

this vibe that says...

...I'm holding out on you,

or I don't want it as much as you do.

Whether I can have a child

or if I can't...

...there has to be more

to this relationship.

Like maybe some communication.

And a little feeling,

which is not what I'm getting.

I suggest you start opening up

and stop pressuring me about the baby.

Because at this point, I'm ready to buy

a baby and shove it up your ass.

This might be a good time...

...to sit next to me

and try to comfort me.

You might want to consider

putting your arm around me.

Maybe you should try

to put some feeling into it.

Not that kind of feeling!

Jesus, Harold!

At times like this,

I feel like I don't know you.

You don't. Maybe that's why

you're having that feeling.

What?

You don't really know me. You don't.

I don't know what to say.

Why don't you try talking to me

like a human being?

I have to take a little walk.

I'll be right back.

Why are you drinking?

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