What Planet Are You From? Page #6

When we met, she liked that

I didn't talk about myself.

Now she wants to know

everything I'm thinking!

- Who?

- Susan! It's a living hell!

Perry at work turned in

my third-quarter report...

...and claimed the work was his.

What if he gets that promotion?

I'm this close to taking off

the penis and coming home!

You will not. Your penis

is staying right where it is.

- How's it working?

- It's a major pain in the ass.

- They installed it too far back?

- No, it hums.

We'll work on it.

You're here to make adjustments.

She thinks she might not

be able to have a baby.

What will I do if she can't?

I've got 4 million men

waiting for you to succeed.

If this woman can't have a baby,

find one who can.

All right, I'll cheat on my wife.

I don't know what that means.

I want you to complete your mission.

Fine. I'll get someone else pregnant.

Stop drinking.

And I'll get on your penis right away.

Could you say that a little louder?

Just put it in triplicate,

give it to... Wait, hang on.

Hang on! Hello?

Randy, just talk. I can hear you.

Arizona West 771?

The same kind of jolt?

How many jolts were there?

Listen to me!

Do you have a passenger list there?

Is there a Harold Anderson onboard?

There is?

What a coincidence.

I'm an alien from another planet.

Really?

Yeah. Somewhere

way the hell out there.

How come you don't have a head

like a pear with the big eyes?

You know, there's a lot of aliens.

We're not the only ones.

Those big-head guys scare me.

I wouldn't want to bump into one.

I hear they perform anal probes.

How primitive is that technology?

"We came 6 trillion miles

to study your ass.

We're proctologists from space. "

Could I have another one here?

What's it all about?

Yeah, go ahead and rest.

Hey, Helen.

- Harold.

- Hey!

Helen, right?

Yeah. Who's your friend?

My personal shopper. Unfortunately,

she only knows how to buy booze.

I think I'll bum one of her

cigarettes. Think she'll miss it?

I don't think she'd miss a limb.

Light me.

Thanks.

So how's work?

Bank stuff. Nothing exciting.

Nothing exciting?

I wouldn't say that.

I've loved numbers and math

ever since I was a little girl.

I find it fascinating.

You get to deal with

all that money all day.

Just thinking about it makes me hot.

You're making a noise.

That's my penis.

It hums.

Guess it doesn't know the words.

I could teach it a few.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing.

Damn it!

Goddamn it, come on!

Damn it!

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I can do whatever you need.

What do you need?

I need to go home.

To your wife?

Don't tell me you feel guilty.

Guilty?

Just when you're found

With your chin on the ground

There's a lot to be learned

So look around

Just what makes that little old ant

Think he'll move that rubber tree plant

Anyone knows an ant

Can't move a rubber tree plant

But he's got high hopes

He's got high hopes

He's got high apple pie

In the sky hopes

Congratulations, Dad! We're pregnant!

I don't believe it. I did it!

I helped.

Now you can't leave me.

- Morning, Melanie.

- Morning.

- Jessie, how are the kids?

- Great.

Dave, I can tell from the look

on your face you got some last night.

Good man.

Morning, Harold. I heard

the good news. Congratulations.

Thank you.

I've thought about that promotion.

I hope you haven't made up your mind.

It's between you and Perry. His

third-quarter report was a knockout.

- You seen Perry?

- He's in the vault.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

So you see the balance of power

changing in the Middle East.

It has to, because a high percentage

of Israelis practice birth control...

...whereas a high percentage

of people in Arab nations do not.

I've heard this theory, but it

sounds a bit crazy, even paranoid.

Your interpretation of it

might be paranoid...

...but the fact is,

Arabs are having more children.

In a couple of generations...

...they'll be able to control the

voting in Israel, hence, take over.

So they're getting control

from within?

That's the idea.

I think I got it.

I think I know why he's here.

What are you doing?

- I'm leaving.

- You're leaving?

I found this in your bottom drawer

under your winter pants.

That's not for your eyes.

Why do you have a picture of

a naked man touching himself...

...in your winter pants drawer?

It's not a man. That's the alien.

Oh, the alien.

The alienlbanker.

I don't know what I'll do

if you tell me you're gay.

I'm not gay. I'm tracking an alien.

He's here to have sex with our women.

His penis hums.

It sounds like that heater

in our timeshare at Deer Valley.

I'm not making this up!

I'll prove everything!

Oh, my God. You've done it again!

It's always like this.

You get obsessed with things.

Anything to avoid intimacy!

You lost your first wife to golf,

your second because of other women!

You were one of them.

Golf I can understand.

Women I can understand.

But this?

Aliens having sex with people?

How does that make me feel?

Tell me you're having an affair with a

beautiful stripper instead of a man...

...so I can at least

look at myself in the mirror!

Baby, I swear I'm not.

This is not what I want my life to be.

I think Helen's having an affair.

What makes you think that?

I found a belt in my bedroom

that wasn't mine.

- Sure it's not yours?

- Positive. It was Armani.

Only queers wear Armani.

I think he did her in the shower.

- The curtain was ripped.

- Maybe she slipped.

Fisk walked into the vault yesterday.

Two seconds earlier,

he would've caught me and Rita.

Did you tell Fisk I was in the vault?

- You f***ing my wife?

- No. And no!

You sure?

Why would I do that? To get even

with you for giving Fisk my report?

Where does that come from?

What did I do to deserve that...

...other than extend

the hand of friendship?

- After everything I've done for you?

- What have you done for me?

What have I done?

What have I done for you?

Did I not take you to the place

where you met your wife?

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

Sorry.

Jeez, just try to relax!

You are wound as tight as a drum!

Do us both a favour, okay?

I'll be in the vault.

If you see Fisk, cover for me.

A**hole.

Not you, sir.

They try the reverse to Specca.

Has some running room.

Cuts it back inside,

but the pursuit will catch up.

That's Tim Schaefer, the cornerback,

chasing him out of bounds.

Hi.

Hi, Dad.

Hi.

- You want to go fool around?

- Fourth quarter.

Is there something wrong?

No.

Why?

I hope I'm not going to say this.

I am.

You're more distant since I got

pregnant. Or is it my hormones?

- I think it's your hormones.

- I don't think so.

- What are you talking about?

- You haven't touched me in weeks.

- Turning that off?

- I'm turning the sound up.

Let me.

Maybe I haven't touched you as much...

...but that's no reason

to destroy the remote. Come on.

Where are you going?

To buy a new remote,

or we'll have to keep getting up.

Excuse me. We have plans.

Or have you forgotten?

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