What Planet Are You From? Page #7

Synopsis: A highly advanced civilization, whose citizens feel no emotion and reproduce by cloning, plans to conquer Earth from the inside by sending an operative, fashioned with a humming, mechanical penis, to impregnate a human and stay until the birth. The alien, Harold Anderson, goes to Phoenix as a banker and sets to work finding a mate. His approaches to women are inept, and the humming phallus doesn't help, but on the advice of a banking colleague, he cruises an A.A. meeting, meets Susan, and somehow convinces her to marry him. The clock starts to tick: will she conceive, have a baby, and lose Harold (and the child) to his planet before he discovers emotion and starts to care?
Genre: Comedy, Sci-Fi
Director(s): Mike Nichols
Production: Columbia Pictures
  1 nomination.
 
IMDB:
5.6
Metacritic:
41
Rotten Tomatoes:
42%
R
Year:
2000
105 min
Website
134 Views


- We have plans?

- Yes.

I was thinking about

looking at cribs for the baby.

- You didn't tell me that.

- I'm telling you now.

Don't let me hold you up.

Go get your precious remote.

We won't worry about the crib.

The baby can sleep in a drawer for

the first year of its life. Just go.

- What are you doing?

- You said go.

Bye.

It's a universal remote.

It comes with codes

for every TV and VCR.

You punch in the code for your

equipment and you're in business.

- Yes. Modern technology.

- You said it.

- What do you think of "Aaron"?

- Who's Aaron?

No, for the baby if it's a boy.

You said you were six weeks pregnant?

Something wrong?

Who are you calling?

Tom, could you come in here?

I'm sure it's nothing to be

alarmed about. Have you had pain...

...or any other

out-of-the-ordinary symptoms?

No, not a single problem.

Not even morning sickness.

Look at this.

Looks like a perfectly formed

5- month-old fetus.

She's at six weeks.

I'm scared.

He said it was healthy.

That's the important thing.

- Did you see Rosemary's Baby?

- Rosemary who?

- No, it's...

- You need to rest. Just sit down.

- Thanks.

- No problem.

Easy. Easy.

- Thanks.

- There you go.

Don't.

Thank you all so much.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you, Hank.

Hey, Anderson!

You're late. It's 11:00.

I'll let it slide, as it's

my first day as vice president.

- You got the promotion?

- And you didn't.

There's always five years from now.

Champagne?

Harold, don't take it so hard.

- Do I smell tears?

- What is your f***ing problem?

You stole my report.

You have sex with a coworker

during office hours.

You got the promotion,

which means you're blowing the boss.

I've met some pathetic humans

in my life, but you take the cake!

Like you're better. I knew it was you

who sent Fisk to the vault.

The Armani belt was yours, you prick!

You wouldn't bang other people's wives

if your old lady wasn't a drunk!

You're crazy!

I don't remember hitting him.

He was talking, and I was feeling

I- don't-know-what...

...because he got the promotion

and he stole my work.

He'll make more money than me,

and we have a baby on the way.

I hit him.

I don't know who I am anymore.

You're being too hard on yourself.

You're just human, that's all.

Sh*t, I'm bleeding.

No, you're not. You're crying.

- I love the way you look at the stars.

- I was just looking.

No, there's something different.

When most people look,

they look all over.

You're always focused, like you

look at the same one every time.

I feel so much better

when I'm with you.

That's the nicest thing

you've ever said to me.

I didn't say it to be nice.

It's just a fact.

That's even nicer, I guess.

I'm sorry about that whole thing

with the remote.

That's okay.

Are you gonna make love to me?

I believe so.

I'm pregnant.

I know.

- I don't know what the problem is.

- You have a problem listening to me.

- Stop being so stubborn.

- I'm not stubborn.

- Why are you here?

- Let's buy this house.

- What?

- Why not?

It's a beautiful house.

It's perfect for the baby.

- You can't be serious.

- I am. I'm dead serious.

We won't need this anymore.

- I don't believe this!

- Let's take a look.

This is going to be so great.

Look, our cactus.

- I couldn't even imagine this!

- I don't either.

Universal domination.

Taking over from the inside

through deception and fraud.

I believe in what

I'm saying 110 percent.

So this person is here to have sex.

Correct.

Did they run out of p*ssy

on his planet?

It sounds insane, but I have

passenger lists of all flights...

...that experienced

the same turbulence.

Harold Anderson was

on all these flights.

Explain that, and you won't hear

any more from me about this subject.

It's too small. Try raising

your hands over your head.

How often do you raise your hands

higher than this?

- It's perfect.

- No, I'll exchange it.

Your turn. I got you a present.

Open it.

All right.

The crib!

This is the one I wanted.

This one's for the baby, but maybe

you can both squeeze into it.

Oh, God.

What's wrong?

I'm being ripped apart!

It's okay. Hang on.

Stop driving so fast.

- I thought you wanted me to hurry.

- I do, but slow down!

God!

- Is this pain normal?

- Yes.

This pain is normal.

That's a good sign.

Shut up, a**hole!

She's fine.

- They're not home.

- The Andersons?

They're at the hospital

having their baby.

I love babies.

Sh*t. Which hospital?

She told me a couple of weeks ago.

- It's a woman's name.

- Think.

St. Agnes!

No, wait. That's my name.

It was St. Agatha's.

Come on.

Give us another push, Susan.

Why are so many people here?

Considering the unusual nature

of your pregnancy...

...I thought we should have

specialists on hand.

- Should that make me feel better?

- BP's dropping.

We'll have to do a C-section.

- God help me.

- Hold it!

I see the head.

Keep pushing, Susan.

Give me some pushes.

Please. Please.

- What's happening?

- One second.

All right, suction here, please.

- Oh, God, I can't hear my baby.

- I can't see anything.

This is the strangest,

most incredible...

Mr. And Mrs. Anderson...

...say hello to your completely

healthy, new baby boy.

Don't tell anyone about

this three-month pregnancy.

Everyone will want one.

You okay?

We had him. We made this.

This is us!

It's a miracle.

I can't wait to see him again.

You were so cute in the delivery room.

I'll always remember your face

when they handed him to you.

I want you to remember that.

What's wrong?

Harold, what is it?

I have to leave.

Leave the hospital?

Yeah.

When will you be back?

I'm not coming back.

What?

I don't want to go. I have to.

You're not coming back?

No. Maybe I should've just left.

This seems worse.

- Can I help you?

- Harold Anderson?

His wife is having a baby.

They're in the maternity wing,

in the delivery room.

You can't go in there, sir!

Sir, you are not allowed in there!

Get out. Get the hell away from me.

I don't believe it. I did it again!

I did it again!

I know you're angry.

You coward! Two minutes with

your child and you're scared shitless.

Get him out! Get him out of here!

Get out!

Get out!

- I need to talk to Harold Anderson.

- Is he in the military?

- Where is he?

- Wife's here. He's gone.

- Can I talk to her?

- Not a good time.

If you find him,

give him a kick in the pants.

Soon as the baby's born,

he leaves his wife.

What kind of person is that?

He's going back.

I know where he is.

Excuse me, chief. Merry Christmas.

I'm looking for a passenger.

Harold Anderson, usual spelling.

We're just about to push away.

So they gave her a C-section.

Dr. Weitzman, we've got a problem.

- What is it?

- It's about the Anderson baby.

The captain has turned off

the "fasten seat belt" sign.

For your safety and the safety

of those around you...

...we suggest you remain seated

with your seat belt fastened.

Thank you and enjoy your flight.

Excuse me. I need to get by.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes

Garry Shandling

Garry Emmanuel Shandling (November 29, 1949 – March 24, 2016) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, director, writer, and producer. He was best known for his work in It's Garry Shandling's Show and The Larry Sanders Show. Shandling began his career writing for sitcoms, such as Sanford and Son and Welcome Back, Kotter. He made a successful stand-up performance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and became a frequent guest-host on the series. Shandling was for a time considered the leading contender to replace Johnny Carson (other hopefuls were Joan Rivers, David Letterman, and David Brenner). In 1986, he created It's Garry Shandling's Show for Showtime. It was nominated for four Emmy Awards (including one for Shandling) and lasted until 1990. His second show titled The Larry Sanders Show, which began airing on HBO in 1992, was even more successful. Shandling was nominated for 18 Emmy Awards for the show and won the Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing for a Comedy Series in 1998, along with Peter Tolan, for writing the series finale. In film, he had a recurring role in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, appearing in Iron Man 2 and Captain America: The Winter Soldier. He also lent his voice to Verne the turtle in Over the Hedge. Shandling's final performance was as the voice of Ikki in the live-action remake of The Jungle Book. During his three-decade career, Shandling was nominated for 19 Primetime Emmy Awards and two Golden Globe Awards, along with many other awards and nominations. He served as host of the Grammy Awards four times and as host of the Emmy Awards three times. more…

All Garry Shandling scripts | Garry Shandling Scripts

0 fans

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:

0 Comments

    Translation

    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)

    Citation

    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:

    Style:MLAChicagoAPA

    "What Planet Are You From?" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/what_planet_are_you_from_23282>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Watch the movie trailer

    What Planet Are You From?

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.


    Quiz

    Are you a screenwriting master?

    »
    Who is the main actor in "The Godfather"?
    A Robert De Niro
    B Marlon Brando
    C Al Pacino
    D Jack Nicholson