What We Do in the Shadows Page #2

Hello, ladies.

And my love, we are ready to go

into town and party!

Vampire... vampire style.

When we go into town,

we must try to blend in.

We are walking the streets.

Coming into town.

Um, it's really cool because

just for one brief moment

I feel...

Homos!

The trouble with being a vampire is you

have to be invited in, to go in.

We would like to come into the bar, please.

Invite us into the bar, please.

Keep walking.

You invite us in!

If the humans find out what we were...

... they would destroy us.

There are between 60 and 70 vampires

in the greater Wellington region.

- Obvious vampire.

- Joline!

Hello!

How embarrassing.

He's a guy I used to work with

when I was human.

- Is he gone?

- Yeah, he's gone.

I've been draining him all night.

Been a very thirsty girl.

Being bitten as a little boy or a little girl

you always going to look the same age.

What are you doing tonight?

Going to kill some perverts?

- Yeah, we're meeting a pedophile.

- Cool.

Okay, let's just go please.

- Have a good night, guys!

- Yeah, you have a good night!

The Big Kumara is vampire owned and operated,

so we could always get in.

It's the hottest night spot

for vampires in Wellington.

- Come on in, guys, come on in.

- Thank you.

Perhaps you could bring

some people to the house.

- Sure.

- Perhaps some virgins?

Virgins? Yep, okay.

Any kind of preference in terms of gender or?

Maybe some ladies?

Yep. Ladies.

Perhaps a guy?

One of each?

One of each should be cool.

My relationship with Deacon is...

... well, I'm his familiar.

He's my Master.

He tells me what to do, I do it.

We have the kind of master-servant

relationship which works nicely.

Actually.

- Hello!

- Hello.

Oh, it's a little bit of blood.

Um, my husband, he's a,

he's a hemophiliac.

You know, someone who bleeds a lot.

Yeah.

Any kind of age range?

- Young.

- But not, not kids?

Not kids.

18 to 30?

Definitely younger than yourself.

Okay, so 18 to 30.

So it's a dinner party?

- I'll be there?

- Yes!

- Dinner party.

- The guys we'll be there?

Yes.

- We will all be there?

- Yes, we will dress up.

- Okay, great.

- And then... eat them.

- Should be fun.

- Okay, great.

I was just wondering

if we could talk about the...

You don't know of a night dentist?

Because I have this thing here.

I was just wondering if

we could talk about the deal.

- Hm?

- The deal.

- The dishes?

- No, the...

The deal is that he is going

to give me eternal life.

Um, which is...

... very exciting.

Well, I just feel like I kind of

reached my potential and

I wouldn't want to kind of,

get any older before, I kind of...

I just feel like I'm the best version

of myself that I can be.

It's just that it's been

4 and a half years and I just

I just want... doing your plans and...

Doing your dry-cleaning.

Now I'm doing your dishes.

Yeah... the dentist?

And the dentist and it's just taking

an awful long time, so I was just wondering...

- Be gone!

- Okay.

- I see you later!

- Okay.

One of the most unfortunate things

about being a vampire is that...

... you have to drink human blood.

I like to make a real evening of it.

Play some music.

Maybe give them some nice wine.

It's their last moment alive so

why not make it a nice experience.

So...

Tell we what you do, what do you...

I was thinking about

going back to Uni, actually.

Oh, you are?

Lets put this over

there.

University, yeah?

Yeah, but after that,

I'm gonna travel.

Yeah...

I really wanted

to go over seas for ages, so..

Saving out and I'm gonna go to Spain and

Italy and London and...

Yeah.

Okay. Excuse me.

Just put that there.

There we go.

Sh*t!

Well, that didn't go so great.

Um, I hit the main artery.

So, yeah, it's a real mess in there, um...

On the upside,

I think she had a really good time.

So, it's quite late and uh...

I've managed to find a woman up,

watching television.

And, uh, she seems like

she'd be a good victim.

I'm just going to use hypnosis on her...

See me...

See me...

She can't, she can't see me

from that angle.

Vladislav used to be extremely powerful.

He could hypnotize crowds of people.

Great orgies. 20-30 women.

He could turn into all sorts of animals.

But now he never get the faces right.

He would kill anybody.

Men, women.

Children. Burning... everything.

It was totally great.

But he suffered a humiliating defeat...

... at the hands of his arch nemesis...

... The Beast.

And, he's never been the same.

See me...

See me...

See me...

See me...

Would you like to come inside?

Ah!

- Jackie, welcome! Come in.

- Hello.

This is Nick. Ex-ex boyfriend.

- And Josefine.

- Nice house.

And this is Deacon,

my over seas friend from Europe.

Deacon and his friends need...

... victims.

Hi! Please come in, welcome.

There can't be people that...

... I actually

envious them or like because of course

they will become victims.

Hi! Josefine?

No, I sat next to you in English.

Remember?

Um, you used to call me the Jacksersist?

No you did, no you did. Yeah.

No, you started that.

You were the one who started calling me that and

then it kind of caught on.

Yeah.

Okay, bye then. Bye.

She's in.

You like that, Nick?

Yep, it's nice.

I will go and prepare dinner.

Nick, are you a virgin at all?

Um, what?

Doesn't seem like... are, are you a virgin?

- Yes.

- Um, no.

You were a virgin when

we were seeing each other?

Yeah, I was 12.

You said he was a virgin.

I think we drink virgin blood because...

... it sounds cool.

I think of it like this...

If you're going to eat a sandwich..

You will just enjoy it more if

you knew no one had f***ed it.

Let's concentrate on Josefine than.

Are you a virgin?

I'm not, no.

Okay, I'm really sorry.

Because I totally...

Him there is a Virgin.

She looks like a virgin.

She talks like a virgin, I mean...

Who would have sex with her, I wouldn't.

I would.

Oh.

Okay, good.

- It's 2 dinners... yum.

- Nick.

Do you like bisghetti?

Uh... yep.

I usually like it.

But, be better if it was warm?

So, this is my favorite trick.

We present our guest with a plate of bisghetti.

And then, I would say,

' Why don't you eat some bisghetti?'

Please, Nick.

Eat some bisghetti.

I didn't realize you enjoy eating worms.

Nick.

- No...

- They are worms.

There's worms moving around on my plate.

Worm like but not actually...

There's worms moving around on my plate.

Worm like but not actually...

We stole that idea from The Lost Boys.

But I put a nice twist on it.

Nick.

How does it feel to

have a snake for a penis?

Jackie?

My penis has disappeared.

It's a cobra snake.

Nobody is gonna mistake

your penis for a cobra, Nick, okay?

- Believe me.

- What have you put in my bisghetti?

No, it is just a normal penis.

I'm out. I'm out.

Josefine?

Do you like bisghetti?

Look, these freaks...

... spike my bisghetti,

make my cock turn into a snake is not cool.

Not cool.

You don't think this is weird?

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