When the Wind Blows Page #3

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You are what you... eat.

And the survival of

the fittest, an' that. Whoa!

That's why so many people... are jogging

and eating lots of All-Bran, I expect.

Only the fittest will survive the

outcome of the nuclear holocaust.

They eat lots of beans, too.

They give you wind, beans do.

You certainly shouldn't

eat beans, James.

Let's not get personal, ducks.

I'm trying to have a

scientific discussion.

If there really is going to be a war,

who do you think will win?

Well, the Americans have

tactile nuclear superiority,

due to their IBMs and

their polar submarines.

But in the event of a

pre-emptive strike,

innumerate Russian hordes will sweep

across the plains of Central Europe.

Then the US Technical Air

Force will come roaring in

with their Superhawks, B-17 s and B-19s,

bristling with guns! Terrifically armed!

"OK, you guys! Let's go!"

They'd razor the Russky

defences to the ground.

Then the marines would parachute

in and round up the population.

After that, the big generals would

go over... like... Ike and Monty.

Then the Russians would capitulate,

and there would be a condition of surrender.

Then they'd instil free

and fair elections.

One man, one vote.

And women too, nowadays, of course.

And thus, the Communist threat to

the Free World would be neutrified,

and democratic principles would

be instilled throughout Russia,

whether they liked it or not.

That's the world scenario as I

see it, at this moment in time.

- Monty. Wasn't he in the war?

- Well, of course he was.

He practically won it.

You remember, dear.

Big beret with badges on it.

Tanks. The Desert Rats. El Alamo.

But that was ages ago, dear.

Yes, well, I expect

he's getting on a bit.

Probably been promoted.

More likely dead.

Monty dead? Never!

I'll bet he is. It's about

40 years since the war.

And he had a moustache then!

Who's in charge now, then?

Oh, one of those commuters, I expect.

It says here, "Place your

National Savings Certificates,

medical cards and birth

certificates in a box."

Here's a nice box, dear.

I'll give it a good clean-out.

Oh, thanks.

We'd... better keep

it in a safe place.

I wonder what would be a safe place.

Who's in charge of

the Russians, dear?

Oh... it's...

Shavinsky, isn't it?

Or... Molotov.

No. Molotov's just

a cocktail, I think.

Krushef. Yes, that's right.

B and K.

Bulgania and Krushef, that's them.

And that bloke Marx has got

something to do with it.

What are you doing, dear?

Blocking out the windows, in compliance

with the governmental directive.

It's the correct thing.

Yes. Then there's the...

usual committee, of course,

the Common Term, they call it...

the Soviet Supreme.

They're in charge of the BJ Kee.

That's the Secret Service.

SS for short.

Our lot is called EMI-5.

Oh, it's all very complicated, ducks.

Well, mind you don't

scratch the polish!

Is it any good writing him

a letter, do you think?

- Who, dear?

- This leader. BJ Whatshisname.

- What are you going to say, dear?

- Oh, I don't know.

Dear Sir,

Mr B J thing...

We, the people of Britain,

are fed up with being bombed.

We had enough of it last time, with old

Hitler, so will you just leave us in peace?

You live your life

and we'll live ours.

Hope you are well.

Please don't drop any bombs.

Yours sincerely, Mr and Mrs J Bloggs.

Very good, dear. Very nice. Yes.

You might be a bit late for the post.

You know what the

post is like these days.

First class might just get there.

But I must do this list.

"Dustbin, calendar, books, games, paper,

pencils, shovel, spade, crowbar, axe, hatchet,

saw, whistle and/or gong for alarms,

suitcases for furniture

or evacuation,

string, pliers...

first-aid kits, safety pins, scissors,

flints, aspirins, diarrhoea remedy,

tweezers, calamine lotion,

war crisis editions, lice-flea powder,

rodent poison, insulin,

blood-pressure tablets,

rubber gloves, sanitary towels,

mirror, toilet paper, eyewash."

I wonder if it's true

about the paper bags.

Or is it a joke?

I never know if it's

just a joke or not.

What's that, dear?

Well, they say you should get into a

paper bag just before the bomb goes off.

Whatever for?

I suppose it's like the white paint.

It... deflects the heat a bit.

- Sounds silly to me.

- There are some paper bags.

We had spuds from the farm in them.

There should be four.

They'll be filthy, James.

Are you sure your

bag is clean, James?

Yes, dear, I...

cleaned it thoroughly.

You do look silly!

I wonder if it's all

right to have eyeholes.

They say it's the correct

thing to wear white.

People in Hiroshima with patterned clothes

got burned where the pattern was,

and not so much on the white bits.

Even the buttons showed up.

Yes, but they were Japanese.

Is there a clean white shirt,

dear, ready for the bomb?

You're not going to wear that nice

new one I gave you for Christmas!

I don't want that spoiled.

You can wear your old clothes for the

bomb and save the best for afterwards.

All right, dear. Well, is there an

old white one, without stripes?

I don't want stripes all over me.

I've never heard such nonsense.

We didn't think what colour

clothes we had on in the war.

Lucky to have any clothes at all,

with everything on coupons.

We interrupt this programme for an

official government announcement.

An enemy missile attack has been

launched against this country.

It is estimated that the missiles

will arrive in approximately

three minutes. Three minutes.

God almighty, ducks!

There's only three minutes to go!

Oh, dear. I'll just

put the washing on.

Come back, you stupid b*tch,

and get in the shelter!

- How dare you talk to me like that, James!

- Shut up and get in!

There's no need to forget our manners

just because there's a war on.

Shut up! I'm trying to listen!

Take shelter immediately.

I've never heard such

language in all my life.

- For God's sake, shut up!

- Oh, dear! I've left the oven on!

Get in! Get in! Get in!

The cake will be burned!

Lie down. Keep away from windows.

Cover your head and eyes.

Do not look at the sky

or through windows.

Take shelter immediately.

Repeat. % stay indoors.

Do not leave your home.

The cake will be be burned!

The cake will be burned!

Blimey!

- Blimey!

- Well I never!

Well, I... I suppose... that was it.

I should think so.

Blimey!

You all right, dear?

Yes, thanks, love.

Oh, dear.

I do feel all shaky.

Never mind, ducks.

We're... We're still

in one piece, eh?

Yes, I think so.

- Wasn't it light?

- Yes.

Terrific.

You get terrific light

with these bombs.

- The heat!

- I know.

Phew!

It's still hot now.

I wonder how far we are

away from the epicentre.

Or was it the hypocentre?

I can't remember.

What's that, dear?

Well, it's the centre of it all. You know,

the... the bull's-eye, sort of.

Bang in the middle. Or...

Or middle of the bang, rather.

I should think we were

bang in the middle, dear.

A direct hit.

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