When We First Met Page #4

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- Oh, sorry.

Drunken text from my roommate Carrie.

She says, Ugh. Made out with Dr. Douche

and puked from too many Jell-O shots.

Home in two minutes

to come cry in your lap. Bad night.

- She's coming here right now?

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, uh, I should... I should actually...

I'm gonna get going, 'cause I'm...

Really? She's gonna be here

in two seconds.

Okay, uh, do you have

a back door or anything?

I almost forgot.

How do you think tonight went?

If tomorrow you were to meet a tall,

conventionally good-looking,

successful guy,

would this awesome connection we have

still be what you're most excited about?

- Sorry. What?

- It doesn't matter.

Avery, you should

put a sock on the door.

- I know you.

- Mm-mmm.

- I know you.

- I don't know you. You're a stranger.

No, you're the freak

at my wedding shoot today.

- Mm-mmm.

- You two know each other?

It's getting late,

and I feel that alcohol is an issue here.

This one seems...

This is the psycho

I was telling you about!

The one who knew me,

said he was at our house,

claimed to be some sort of

time-traveling nomad

and spent last night

in the back of my Bronco.

Seems like she's a little...

You didn't guess I was an army brat.

You already knew that.

- Because you're a stalker!

- A stalker?

- I knew it!

- I'm not a stalker.

I'm wearing a tuxedo.

Stalkers wear, like, trench coats

and no underwear.

And I am clearly wearing underwear. Look.

- Oh, my God! Get out!

- Rape! Rape!

Rape? Why would you say rape? It's not r...

- Carrie!

- What we have tonight...

that was cosmic, right?

Don't touch her, a**hole!

Don't touch her a**hole?

Yes, Carrie! Hit him! Hit him!

Hit him harder!

Hit him in the balls! Hit him in the dick!

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Whoo.

Oh, looks like today's apology day.

One sec!

- Hi. Can I help you?

- Hey, man, I just...

I wanted to come by

and apologize for me at the party.

Oh, you're here for the party. Uh, cool.

Yeah. Come on in.

We're still setting up, but, uh...

- You're having another party?

- Grab a drink.

You must be one of Avery's friends.

Avery, your first guest is here.

So, you guys go to high school

together, or... Wait. Northwestern?

- I'm coming.

- What?

Oh, my God.

Hi.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

It burns!

It's him!

- It's who? Who?

- Carrie!

- It's who?

- Oh, my God, he's back!

No, it's a misunderstanding!

Why do you keep hitting me with trees?

That's the guy from three years ago!

That's the stalker from Halloween!

That's the stalker?

You don't understand.

We're old friends, Ethan!

How do you know my name?

How do you know my name, stalker?

You're right. I am a stalker.

A- And I'm crazy, and I've got a bomb.

- He's got a bomb.

- You're right! I've got a bomb!

I've got a bomb!

I- It's fine. I'm sorry my bomb threat

ruined your magical evening.

Have a great life.

Yeah? You'd better come back

with more than a bomb next time, pal!

Ethan! Less than a bomb.

Less than a bomb!

Okay.

So, you woke up here.

How did you get here?

Look for clues.

Okay.

Peppermint patty. ChapStick.

A receipt?

For the peppermint patty

and the ChapStick.

Oh, my God.

The photo booth.

- Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

- Dude!

- What kind of car do you drive?

- An Impreza. Why?

Yeah, that's the one. It's getting towed

right now, so you have time. Save it.

That's my mom's car.

Well, your mom has a sick whip.

All right, come on.

Come on. Take me.

Take me, take me, take me.

Take me, take me...

Holy sh*t.

Oh, I owned your ass,

space-time continuum.

I traveled through time.

- Max?

- Yo. What up?

Hey, what's up, man?

Uh, I know you got

a big date tonight, but...

I need your help.

Nope, that is not what I wanted to do.

Hello?

Yeah. Hey, sorry. I don't know why

I hung up, but I do need your help.

Uh, there's this girl.

Her name's Avery, and...

We are already so late.

What if she meets another guy

before I have a chance to get there?

What are you talking about, bro?

It's gonna be fine.

And listen, I'm the one who had to cancel

on Carla, JC Penney underwear model.

Intimates, bro. She's got an old soul.

Okay, dude, I'm serious.

You get more girls than any guy I know.

- I need your help.

- You look good. Great start.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate you loaning me your shirt.

But I don't know, man. I have...

I have leather strips in my armpits.

- This isn't me.

- Exactly.

'Cause Noah doesn't get

that caliber of a girl.

You gotta dress the part.

You gotta be ahead of the curve, bro.

You gotta feel it. Look at me.

Man, what's up, girl? Try that.

So something's funny off in the distance,

I squint, lick my lips and look at her?

And you bring the attention back to her.

This is stupid.

It's great.

- Are you doing a Joker impersonation?

- No, this is like...

- It was good.

- That was... Okay.

Did you think that was bad?

I'll do it one more time.

Follow what I do.

What's up, girl?

- What's up, girl?

- Um, w-we'll work on that.

assertive, ambitious, a**hole.

There's something about confidence

that a girl just loves.

They smell it.

Girls are attracted to guys

who know what they want

and aren't afraid to go for it,

which usually isn't you.

And I don't like this part,

but if all else fails, be an a**hole.

- Be an a**hole?

- Yeah. Not hard a**hole. Soft a**hole.

- I gotta be a soft a**hole.

- Let me hear a soft a**hole kind of dis.

Your... Your goatee's...

It... It's stupid. I've never liked it.

Okay, wait.

You have beady little satanic eyes.

Wow. That makes me doubt myself,

but in a sexy kind of way.

'Cause girls can't resist a guy

that makes 'em feel bad at first.

What are the three A's?

Assertive, ambitious, a**hole.

Soft a**hole.

- Keep the shoulders down. Let's do this.

- Triple-A. Always there.

Arr, matey. Hey.

Don't talk to him.

No, she's not in here.

- I'm gonna go check outside again.

- No, no, no. You're gonna stay here.

Be cool. Don't make it seem like you're

chasing after her. Don't be a stalker.

Oh, sh*t. There she is.

I was supposed to stop that drunk

Hulk a**hole from bumping into her.

I blew it. Great.

It's not over. Okay? Maxie steps in now.

I'm gonna distract her friend,

the basketball player

that doesn't know how to swim.

No, she's a Dunkin' Donut.

Oh! That's good!

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Anyways, look, engage your girl.

Bring up her ex. Girls hate that.

Stay close.

Ooh! Can I talk to you privately

about something in private?

- Uh, about what?

- We're gonna get her a club soda first.

And then I'll talk to you

about the private stuff.

That's clever.

Mmm!

I like that jersey.

And I am not afraid to tell you that.

Yeah, I liked it a lot too

until the Hulk smashed it.

- I think it looks really good.

- Thanks.

What, are you, like,

dressed as a tranny or something?

No! No. I-It's from a movie.

That's cute.

Yeah, I don't really dig costumes.

That's why I kinda...

You came as nothing,

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