When We First Met Page #5

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which is really endearing.

- Okay, bye.

- No! Wait, uh...

I'm gonna get you a drink. Okay?

- Two beers, please.

- Hey, this one? Total marathon.

But the stripper out front?

Sprint. My speed. Know what I'm sayin'?

Yep. Okay, thank you very much,

Bill Cosby.

But before you go, make her earn it.

Don't just give it to her.

Yo, what's up? Me again.

So, this'll be fun.

You tell me something about yourself,

and if I find it interesting...

Ding! I'm-a give you a beer.

- What?

- Are you deaf? You couldn't hear that?

You know, I think I figured out

who you are.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

You are a giant,

human being-sized a**hole.

Thank you for the beer.

Have a great night.

Wait. Okay, wait.

- Be back, girl.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, where you going?

- Anywhere that you aren't gonna be.

Ew. I hate it when girls are this into me.

And please, do me a favor.

Don't talk to me like your ex-boyfriend.

I'm not.

If he talked to me the way you're talking

to me, I would punch him in the face.

- You would?

- But you're a total stranger.

So I could probably kill you

and get away with it.

- Go ahead. Shank me.

- God, I wish I could.

- Do it.

- Okay, I will.

- I don't believe you.

- Okay.

Whoa!

Great. Yep.

Yes, I'm fine. Thank you. How'd it feel?

That felt really great, actually.

- Can you at least help me out?

- Fine.

Here. Take my hand. I'll help you...

- Oh, my God!

- Whoo!

What the hell!

Whoo. Whoo!

- You dick!

- I'm the dick? How am I the dick?

- You're the one who pushed me in.

- You told me to push you in!

I told you to shank me in the ribs

for emotional closure.

- You're the worst.

- You're the worst!

- You're the worst.

- No, you're the worst.

Now we're the people at the party

that make out in the pool.

I don't care.

- You're the worst.

- Okay, here we go.

Okay. Yeah.

You know what?

I'm gonna put a sock on the door.

No, wait. Here, just...

Here. Okay. Bedroom's this way. Let's go.

Oh, not today, tree.

Oh-ho!

Oh, my God.

Twice. Okay.

Very good.

- Mmm.

- What are you doing?

Being the big spoon.

Since when do we spoon?

Since we started dating

and fell madly in love.

What are you still doing here?

You hate sleeping over.

Okay, what's going on here?

God, please.

You were not that drunk last night.

Remember? I texted you at midnight.

Had a sh*t day at work

and my mother was harassing me

about when I'm gonna finally find

a decent dude.

Which isn't gonna happen

if you and I keep doing this sh*t.

If you weren't so good at sex,

this would have ended a long time ago.

Wait, what's that?

We're good at sex with each...?

Oh. Yeah. Okay, that's cool.

Okay, on the count of three, what is,

like, our favorite position, sexually?

One, two, three.

Is it doggie style?

Is that our favorite?

Can you just get dressed? 'Cause I'm

busy today. You really can't stay here.

Yes, I will get dressed.

But did you want to have

morning sex real quick?

- Just to get the day started?

- Here.

Don't forget your, uh, leather pants.

Oh, my God.

I went full a**hole.

Oh, great, it's you.

Oh, great, you.

What the hell is...? Hey, what's up?

Why are you...? Why's he here?

Hey, man. Uh, Noah, right? Yeah.

That's right.

- Haven't seen you around. How's it going?

- Mm-hmm. It's going...

How does he...? How do you know Avery?

Uh, we're her friends,

which is more than you can say.

Why don't you take your frosted tips,

get on your douche bag-mobile.

We'd all appreciate it.

Oh, my God.

- That's what I drive now?

- Oh, I see what he's doing.

Awesome.

Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm ready.

Oh, thank you.

What are we doing? We CrossFitting?

Pilates? Hot yoga? I'm down.

Just a little park run today, actually.

That is, if Carrie can keep up.

Yeah, if Carrie can... That's... You are...

Ethan's funny.

You know, I was just actually saying

to a personal friend of mine

that I don't run in a park setting enough.

So I'll join you guys.

Oh, okay.

- Come on.

- All right. Whoo!

Let's go. Let's go. A-let's go.

Come on. All right.

Uh... Good one, Noah.

Oh, God. Oh.

These pants are not breathable.

Ethan, you're barely sweating.

Yo. Yo. Hey, Ethan.

I'm thinking we should get

to know each other a little better, right?

You're probably married with kids now?

Uh, single.

Actually, just got out of a relationship.

You and Stacy broke up. I'm so sorry.

Man, she... she seemed like the one.

That's too bad.

Are you okay?

We can slow down

or take a break if you need to.

I don't need a break.

You might need a break.

In fact, I was thinking let's...

let's get physical! Yeah!

Okay. Diggin' the energy. Let's go.

All right. Now we're talking.

Let's, uh, hurdle this thing.

Whoo. Yeah.

Good idea, Noah. Try some harder ones.

We're going harder.

We're gonna do a harder one.

Yeah, okay. All right!

Watch the ankles.

Okay.

Here we go. Whoo!

Yeah.

Aaah. Aaah!

- Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!

- Right behind you.

Ethan, you have so much energy.

- Stepping it up on this one.

- All right.

- Whoo!

- Yep.

Oh!

Oh!

Yeah. Oh, that hurt.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I think I'm gonna need

some face stitches.

Are you sure?

Just looks like a little scrape.

I- I feel like it's...

it's worse than just a scrape.

I think you and Carrie should just

go ahead without me, and Avery and I...

Actually, it's not that bad.

If you guys wanna keep going,

I have a first aid kit in my truck.

- I'll make sure he doesn't bleed out.

- Okay.

Thanks, Carrie. Feel better, all right?

- Yeah, feel better.

- Ice it.

- Okay.

- Thank you.

Come on.

Look. Look what's happening. Right now.

She's escaping with him, and she...

she hates me.

She doesn't hate you hate you.

You're one of those guys

girls sleep with sometimes,

and as a result,

we wind up hating ourselves.

Okay. What can I do to change that?

You're the guy

who strolls in for a quickie,

then you disappear for two months.

What?

I have no control over any of this.

I make a decision, and then I wake up

three years later with the consequences.

Way to take responsibility, pal.

Oh, hey, look.

Look, look, look, look, look.

I'm just trying to be the type of guy

that Avery would want to be with.

Noah, if you're screwing with me,

I will cut your nuts off

and wear them as earrings.

Carrie, I am being 100 percent real.

Candid.

You look like sh*t.

So you're saying

you're in love with Avery?

No, dude, just no.

What do you mean, No, just no?

Okay, all due respect, I'm pretty sure

the closest you've been to love

is taking photos of strangers at weddings.

Oh, yeah? Well, you drink coffee

with whipped cream in it,

so I can't take

anything you say seriously.

It's comforting me.

And I know emotions don't penetrate you,

so you wouldn't understand how this feels.

It's not like I've never had

my heart broken before.

Well, I have a hard time believing that,

because every time we've talked,

you've been pretty impenetrable.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

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