Where the Buffalo Roam Page #6

that he really didn't exist,

that he was a figment of your writing.

You couldn't invent someone like

Karl Lazlo. He was one of a kind, a mutant.

A real heavyweight water buffalo type.

Who could chew his way through

a concrete wall

and spit out the other side

covered with lime and chalk

and look good in doing it.

He he was one of a kind, and...

- Hey, Dooley! When do I get the interview?

- I'll take care of you.

You've been saying that for days, Dooley.

I would appreciate it because I have to file.

The candidate is very interested in you,

he reads your clippings every day,

I make sure he sees them.

- Dooley...

- Yeah?

Excuse me.

Thank you. Oh, hi.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Somebody sitting there?

- No.

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

They never search me. Honest face.

Fortunate it's me and not some maniac.

You could raise some real hell with this.

Torture a stewardess, hold the pilot at bay,

slash all the wiring.

- Want some?

- No, thanks.

Lot of C in there, vitamin C.

Well, I get very greedy with my supplies

once we're airborne.

Back on board the campaign special.

Just made the plane after a flock

of poisoned ravens dive-bombed my car.

The candidate is probably under sedation

in his compartment.

Last night he was at the hotel pool

doing stunt dives for two cocktail waiters

who were skinny-dipping in the pool.

Screamed, "Watch my cannonball,"

went high into the air,

landed right on his testicles.

Be tough to watch his speech today knowing

his balls are the colours of the rainbow.

OK, Thompson, up.

Special session with the candidate, I guess.

Watch my stuff and I'll share my notes.

Bring your stuff, you're off the plane.

You can't throw me off.

I have the proper credentials.

I decide who goes on what plane.

From now on, you're on the zoo plane

with the technicians.

Dooley, let him stay. He's got

as much right to be here as any of us.

Don't push your luck, Lisogor.

This is a cruel and bitter defeat,

and one that I probably won't forget.

I'm not gonna worry about it.

Would you like a beer?

In the event of sudden loss of cabin

pressure, oxygen masks will be released.

- Hi.

- Wouldn't let you up there?

A minor setback, that's all.

Thank you, you're very sweet.

- You're Harris from the Post, aren't you?

- Right.

That was nice stuff on the Florida primary.

You were the only one who had

the blue collar vote on the button.

- Incomplete.

- Is it always like this here?

It's usually worse. Everyone's getting up.

Thank God I'm only on for one stop. I don't

know how my backup man can stand it.

It gets real ugly late in the day

when they start cooking.

Jesus, why do they have to make

so much noise?

Hey, how about shutting up?

A little charity, huh?

Hey, you don't look too good.

- My head feels like it's caving in.

- I had the same thing this morning.

You got some aspirin there?

These are prescription

but they'll take care of your headache.

They won't put me to sleep?

Oh, no.

They'll relax you, though, quite a bit.

Jesus, who's flying this thing?

Oh, one of the gang.

One of these people?

Several of us are qualified

but this guy hasn't had much experience.

Listen, I think I'd like one of those,

if that's OK.

Don't tell anybody where you got 'em.

- I'll take two.

- Good, that's what I took.

- Here.

- Ah, thanks.

I never had any complaints

about the blue ones.

Listen to what Thompson's written.

"The candidate,

and his crew of shameless enforcers,

"brought their weird act to Wisconsin,

"passing out free hits of black acid

to anyone who could stick out his tongue. "

- Acid?

- "A truly remarkable way

"of getting votes. "

Make way! Make way!

Harris from the Post!

Is coming through!

Where is he?

Where is my friend Thompson?

Thompson?

Thompson! Thompson!

It's Harris from the Post!

Who's this?

Harris from the Post!

It's my turn to fly!

- Oh, jeez.

- Does he have a licence?

He's not instrument rated though.

I don't think he should.

I feel... wonferdul.

You're looking good. OK.

All right, let's go have a cocktail.

All right. Yeah, I told her about you.

We got an emergency here!

Swine, open the door!

I'll be out in a second.

All right, let me have your attention, please.

Keep moving, just listen to me.

The candidate will be speaking at the Loving

Care senior citizens centre at 12:45.

We will reassemble here at 2:30,

takeoff's at three o'clock. Don't get lost.

Once again, the candidate...

...will be speaking at the Loving... Care

senior citi... zens centre...

Excuse me, have you seen Mr Harris

from the Post?

Mr Harris, what happened?

What's all this?

Harris from the Post.

How you doing, boys? Good to see you.

Hiya, sir. Harris from the Post.

Good to see you again.

Can I get anything for you, sir?

How's the family, Harris?

The family? Oh, that's bad news.

The screwheads finally came

and took my daughter away.

Let me ask you a question, sir.

What is this country doing for the doomed?

There are two kinds of people

in this country.

The doomed...

and the screwheads,

savage tribal thugs who live off

illegal incomes, burrowed deep out there.

No respect for human dignity.

They don't know what you and I understand.

You ever play football, Harris?

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir. I played in college.

They're gonna get your daughter too.

I've heard their rallies.

They like Julie, but Tricia...

And they really hate you, sir.

You know that one half

of the state senate...

of Utah... are screwheads?

You know, I was never really

frightened by the...

bop-heads.

And the potheads with their silliness

never frightened me either.

But these goddamn screwheads...

they terrify me.

And the poor doomed,

the young and the silly and the honest,

and weak,

and Italians,

they're doomed.

They're lost, they're helpless,

they're somebody else's meal.

They're like pigs in the wilderness.

Come here, Harris.

Come here.

F*** the doomed.

Move it along, no need to run.

- Just get on the plane.

- Wait for me.

This is it, right up here. Take your

seats, we take off in a few moments.

Hey, Dooley...

You wanna pick that up, take it with you?

Pick that up, take it with you!

Would you like a cocktail?

Do you happen to have

two aspirin?

Holy sh*t.

Not here.

- Is this seat taken?

- No, sit down.

- Is something wrong?

- Yeah.

No, nothing is wrong.

I just thought maybe I'd forgotten

my medicine.

Here it is. Everything's in order now.

Say... if anyone asks...

this seat right here is taken.

It's highly unlikely but I may have to flop

around in case I have one of my seizures.

Seizures?

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry, this seat is taken.

- No, it isn't.

- But this man is...

He's capable of seizures.

That's better.

No, no, just relax.

Good.

This is terrific.

No question,

you got something going here, Hunter.

Harris. My name is Harris.

Ooh, Harris, right, I got it.

Undercover, right?

- Maybe I should sit somewhere else.

- No, no, no, you're fine.

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