Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Page #3

- He's a proper a**hole.

- Shall we?

- Yeah.

Is that a cab?

Is your full name Shakira?

'Cause I thought it was

a Colombian nickname.

Why would you think that?

Because of the singer.

No, I know. I'm kidding.

No, it's Arabic for "thankful."

Kim is American for "white lady".

Actually, "Kim" means "who" in Turkish.

"Who's that white lady?"

It's Kim.

That's so you can remember my name.

So... This is Iain. Iain, Kim.

Kim. Kim. Kim. Kim, nice work.

You sit next to the only two women

in a country the size of Texas

that remind a man that you're

really only okay looking.

Well, she said you were an a**hole,

but that's really above and beyond.

- Who said that?

- Tanya.

No. No. No. I don't think so.

A lot of women find me very charming, Kim.

- No, not biological women.

- Oh, really?

Women who think that an accent is

the same thing as a personality, maybe.

Nae, haud yer wheesht.

Go bile yer heid, ya wee bampot.

I bet you're wetter than a submarine

with screen doors now.

I got that from a pickup book.

- Jesus.

- Oh, yeah.

So what's your deal?

You got chucked over by some guy

so you think, "Forget him.

"I'm gonna go discover

the wonders of the East,

"and I'm gonna f*** a Scottish guy

and write a book."

I'm Scottish, by the way.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Salud.

- Cheers.

- To Kim!

- Is this your first night out?

- Yes.

It is, actually.

That little bastard!

Oh, no, Kim.

You didn't give Egg Boy money, did you?

Hey! Egg Boy! Hey!

You're a little shitbird!

I hope you get salmonella!

I gave him, like, $100!

- $100?

- What?

I'd give you my eggs for $100.

Where are we going?

A whorehouse. You're going to love it.

You see that?

It's a brothel and a Chinese restaurant.

Do you remember this video?

Everybody was drawings.

Me? Oh, no, thank you.

Look, a month ago,

I was writing a story about corn syrup.

Okay? I was not happy.

I didn't think there was anything else

out there for me.

Just death.

Then this came along and...

I don't care

Wenge, do you guys have

regular access to healthcare?

He called me a Fenian bastard.

I f***in' showed him what for,

kicked his teeth in, the c*nt.

Oi, Tanya? What's her story?

She has a boyfriend.

And she's unconscious, okay?

Not that either of those things

have ever stopped you before.

That's not true. That's not true.

Firstly, I'm afraid of boyfriends.

Secondly, I'm a gentleman.

What? According to no less

an authority than Grace Mugabe.

I held a door open for her once.

Let me just have a little peekaboo.

Get out!

Actually, not bad.

- I think I missed one.

- Stop!

Il y a du monde au balcon. Pas mal.

Kim?

You all right there, mate?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Hey. I'm just talking about her safety.

Nic here does security for Kim, Iain.

Right, well!

I'm off. Excuse me.

- Excused.

- Good night.

- Bye, darling!

- Good night.

The best, Nic!

Oh, that's Oprah.

Hello.

It's Fahim. Are you ready to go?

Go where, dude? It's Saturday.

Friday is the only day off

in the Islamic week.

We have interviews.

No! That was not made clear. That's... No.

That's bullshit, Fahim. No.

Kim, today we are meeting

Ali Massoud Sadiq.

I sent research.

He's likely to be Attorney General.

- Please hold.

- Please come outside.

This is against what I believe

as an American.

I am sorry, but we have to go.

My shoes. Sh*t.

You wish to interview me, Mr. Ahmadzai?

I do, Mr. Sadiq. Yes, on camera.

Mr. Ahmadzai,

I am a person of, of no consequence.

Well, you soon might be the second

most powerful person in Afghanistan.

Mr. Ahmadzai, I run a small department

inside the Interior Ministry.

What possible interest

could I be to the Americans?

Because your Ministry

for the Prevention of Vice

and the Encouragement of Virtue

sounds a lot like the Taliban's old

Ministry of Vice and Virtue.

Don't you think?

Kim Baker.

When the Taliban was in power,

they enforced their version of sharia.

One of their edicts was a rule that

all men must shave the hair of their pubis.

They would walk the streets

carrying a small wooden rod,

a dowel,

which they would roll along

the front of a man's trousers.

If a man's pubic hair was long enough

to curl around the dowel,

they would beat him.

Now, I ask you,

do I look like a man to walk the streets

carrying a hair-of-the-pubis dowel?

No, sir, you do not.

I returned to this country to save it.

I am a friend of America.

Which is why you should let me interview

you, so people can understand that.

I like you, Kim.

I like your mouthiness.

That is a word, yes?

It reminds me of my time living in London.

You make me feel like a young man again.

But I do not know you.

How can we get to know each other, Kim?

Yes, excellent, Kim!

Put a turban on her,

she'd make a very handsome boy.

How are you? You okay there?

What the hell was that?

It's probably just

a wedding somewhere nearby.

They like to shoot off guns

at weddings here.

You get it, you're from Florida.

Funny.

When was the last time I saw you?

Since June?

I'm sorry that I didn't

get back last month.

I can be in New York by Thursday.

I miss you and I want to see you. And I...

I have...

Not again.

I hate this f***ing airport.

Can I bring you guys

anything from New York?

Just bring us back a six pack?

- This is Kim.

- Kim Baker?

It is Sadiq.

Mr. Sadiq, hi.

How about an interview with Pacha Khan?

Pacha Khan, the warlord?

Pacha Khan is a businessman.

Would you like that?

Yeah. Yeah. But I'm on my way

to New York to see my boyfriend.

You will be the first Western journalist

to interview him since the Soviet War.

Shall we say tomorrow?

Okay, yes, of course. Thank you.

- What?

- Back in the car.

Wait here.

It's okay, come.

She is a Muslim?

Yes

Have her pray for me.

She is Turkish.

You wouldn't understand her anyway.

- Okay. Yes.

- Yeah?

Okay.

Pacha Khan, thank you

for your kind hospitality.

Put a turban on her and she

would make a handsome boy!

What?

No.

- Kim. Cheers.

- Hi.

What a rush, yeah?

Pacha Khan, yeah.

It's like, adrenaline. Everyone was...

Good job.

Yeah, it went well.

But, you know, I was... I was in the...

The New Zealand SAS back home.

And today felt like

jumping out of an airplane.

Or like, you know, like having sex.

Kim!

Tanya's got scotch.

It won't last long, so...

Nic, you're welcome, too, you big c*nt!

That's a term of affection, by the way.

You were supposed to be

in New York, sneaky girl.

Yeah, Chris is not super pleased.

Chris can suck a fat one.

I'm trying to see if they put my story up,

but this Internet connection is the worst!

- Goddamn it, Jaweed!

- Christ!

Really?

Although, donkeys aside,

he's a good fixer.

No, thanks. Morning shows.

You have something

they want for the mornings?

Maybe. I don't know. Maybe.

That's what I'm trying to see.

You know, I heard

that he has contacts in the Tribals.

Like real Taliban contacts.

- Jaweed?

- Jaweed.

- No f***ing way.

- Apparently.

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