Whiskey Tango Foxtrot Page #4

Would you do that?

Would you go down there?

Yeah, sure, if it was the right call.

Yeah, but how do you know

if it's the right call?

F***, man, I don't know.

That is why we drink, do drugs and shag

strangers in restaurant bathrooms.

Kim, are you okay? What's going on?

Oh, shoot. Sorry, what time is it?

I don't know. I'm in Seattle.

God, I thought you got shot

at a wedding or something.

- Jesus, Kim!

- No.

Sorry. So, just real quick...

- I want you to come visit me.

- In Afghanistan? Really?

I mean, I've got tons of miles.

I could fly you first class.

I have to look at a calendar.

I don't think I can do it this month.

I'm here until, like, at least the 15th.

But when I get back maybe...

- Who is in your bed, Chris?

- What?

No, that's my bag.

Look in the mirror, dipshit.

My God. You motherf***er.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable!

You calm the f*** down!

Listen, you haven't been home in months.

You forgot my f***ing birthday!

Right, it's my fault.

Great, Chris. You're a genius.

And I kept your stupid

f***ing plants alive,

but you let this relationship

wither and die!

Did you have that prepared?

- What?

- P*ssy!

You know what? Have fun in Seattle.

You should go to the Rock 'n' Roll Museum.

It sucks. You'll fit right in.

Are you shitting me?

Fahim.

Let's apply for another embed.

Because I want to get out of Kabul.

I just need to get out of Kabul.

I need "me time", exactly. That's...

See? I told you that O magazine would

increase your understanding of women.

Hey, you guys are 3-5, right?

Do you know a Corporal Coughlin?

No, ma'am.

Sorry, but I've only been here

for a couple months.

Ma'am, if you set one foot

in front of the other,

there's less chance you lose

both feet if we hit an IED.

Vides, make ready.

Man, we are definitely losing the war

when it comes to this particular well.

I swear to God, they blow up another well,

I take another pair of boots off.

It's like f***ing musical chairs.

Hey, do I have to buy a dress

for your wedding?

No. Whatever you wear in Kabul is fine.

- Yeah?

- Yes.

The only thing I ask is that

you make sure my friend is there.

Your friend is me.

I get it.

- Mount up!

- Jesus, Stern!

General, excuse me. Hey.

General, do you have a minute?

- Not now, Baker.

- It's just...

The Taliban haven't been

destroying the well here.

The women of the village

are destroying it.

Or so they tell me.

We dug that well several times

for the women

so they don't have to walk to the river.

But they want to walk to the river.

It's their only chance to be social

and gossip and, you know, hang out.

I think that they have a bunch

of old Soviet landmines,

and they just prop one up

and throw rocks at it.

Kim, did you ever feel like

you're manning that tollgate

and the engineer's yelling,

"I got pig iron, I got pig iron"?

No. I don't know what that means.

But it's very folksy.

Also, the women, obviously,

they don't want the men

to know about this, so they are hoping

that you would just refuse

to repair the well this time.

Well, they're in luck.

That's exactly what

I told the mullah, so...

Well done, Baker.

Hooyah, General.

Marines say "Oorah".

The Navy says "Hooyah".

- Don't mix those two up.

- Got it.

Have a good... Have a good ride.

Kim.

Kim.

Sorry.

- You look beautiful!

- You look beautiful!

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, no!

Kim!

What the dick?

Why did Fahim tell me

I could dress like this?

Well, he didn't want you

to have to go buy something.

Oh, my God. I only washed

the front of my hair.

Here. You know what?

- I'm going to let you have one of these.

- Thank you.

- Now I look great.

- Now you're ready.

- Now I'm ready to party.

- Oh, she likes it.

- Sure.

- Oh, wow. Well...

It was worse than a unibrow.

It went all the way into his hair.

We all have some reason for being here.

What's your reason?

What is yours?

I don't have a good one. I'm just here.

Come on, she just told her unibrow story.

I just... I don't have one.

Come on.

I was at the gym after work

one night. Stationary bike.

Okay? The same bike every day.

And I notice this

indentation in the carpet,

it's, like, a foot in front of my bike.

And I realize that it's from

where my bike used to be.

I have done thousands of miles

on this bike

and I have gone backwards.

I have literally gone backwards.

I just

wanted to blow everything up.

I just wanted out of my job,

writing news scripts for dumb

pretty people to read.

I wanted...

...out of having to decide whether

I should just marry my mildly

depressive boyfriend.

And that's it.

I just... I couldn't look at that

f***ing carpet anymore.

Well, that is officially the most

American white lady story I've ever heard.

- Shut up.

- It is.

You know what? F*** that. You are

a battle-tested foreign correspondent.

You're a solid Kabul 9.5.

And you are f***ing single, all right?

So that lady back at the gym, she's dead.

This is your life.

Despite Taliban threats,

election observers

are reporting high voter turnout,

especially in cities.

A British fighter-bomber last week

reduced this compound to rubble.

...not to cooperate.

Oh, God. Christ, there's a...

Bahzo! There's a bahzo here!

The surprise visit from

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Today, Kabul's

first licensed female driver,

Gulbahar Yousofy, hits the road.

That sucks. That sucks for women.

Thank you.

Congratulations on your promotion,

- Mr. Attorney General.

- Thank you.

As I said, we could have

done this over the phone.

I'm just looking for a statement

on sharia in Kandahar.

I understand that you are no longer

with your special friend Chris.

Who told you that?

Very little happens in Afghanistan that

Ali Massoud Sadiq does not know about.

Very little.

- May I show you something?

- Of course.

You have a bed in your office.

Yes.

There is a bed here now.

So, no comment on sharia in Kandahar or...

No comment.

- We are going to ISAF later, yes?

- I don't know.

Pressers and "right of boom" crap.

Who cares?

We need to enterprise something. Okay?

We need to get out of the bubble.

That hit the net.

- The what?

- It hit the net.

- The invisible net?

- Yes.

- My point.

- Let's go. Bullshit.

You know, Kim, the reason that

your village well story got traction is

because it wasn't a bang-bang,

it was about women's rights.

It was a brilliant piece, that.

Oh, f***ing hell.

- We should go to Kandahar.

- No, too dangerous.

No way. It's a wee bit fluid down there

these days, security-wise.

Yeah, it might be a bit much for you, Nic?

You're a bit late to the whole "Kandahar's

gone to sh*t" party. You know?

What about the woman thing

where the sharia law is back?

And there was a firebombing the other day.

Yeah, I think it's worth the risk.

That's easy for you to say, mate,

sitting there in your cozzie

taking photos of the f***ing garden.

Look, Nicky, I know

you've been specially trained

to protect New Zealand from,

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