white chicks Page #6

Excuse me. Your card has been declined

for insufficient funds.

The rep's on the line.

Yes, this is Mrs. Copeland.

$ dress?

And where did l buy this dress?

The Hamptons!

Yes, l remember.

Thank you.

lt is on.

l don't see

why l got to go out with Mandingo.

'Cause if you don't, you'll blow our cover.

What you gonna be doing?

Me? l'm going to follow up on a lead.

You're going on a date.

She's a reporter.

Who else knows more

about the Hamptons people than her?

All right, so l like the girl. You're the one

always telling me to settle down.

And you should.

But that don't mean

l got to go with Buffy the White Girl Slayer.

All right. Look. Just go to dinner. Okay?

l'm only gonna be a couple of hours

and l'll meet you back at the club.

-You promise?

-l promise?

l'm serious, dude. Promise.

l do. l'm serious. All right.

And if you need to use protection...

tell Latrell there's an extra shower curtain

in the bathroom.

Hop in.

Take your time. Watch those marshmallows.

Ease on in there, now.

l won't bite unless you ask me to.

You are so beautiful.

Good boy, Baby.

How about we listen to a little bit of music?

What the....

How did you know? l love this song!

Making my way downtown

Walking fast

Faces pass

And I'm home bound

And I need you

And I miss you

And now I wonder

If I could fall

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could

Just see you

Tonight

-Good evening, madam. Welcome to Bella.

-Thank you.

What are you doing here?

l came to borrow the car

and the keys to his house.

Are you crazy? lf you crash this man's car,

he will kill you.

l won't crash it. Look. Just call me

before you leave. l'll bring it back.

Then you meet me back at the club.

No, my brother. You got to get your own.

Help me.

Thank you.

May l bring you something from the bar?

Let me have

a bottle of your best champagne.

-And bring us some oysters.

-Very good, sir.

l have to say, l was so....

l was happy

when l bought you at the auction.

l mean, it's very rare

l have the opportunity to...

bask in the ambience

of such a classy lady such as yourself.

Oh, my God!

-l am humbled by your...

-This athlete's foot is just killing me.

-...beautiful nature.

-That smell. That's infection.

-The most high-classness of your....

-My God. ls that a hangnail?

Captivated by your beauty.

Your bountiful curves remind me

of the hills in ltaly.

l'm sorry. You were saying?

-That's perfect. Thank you.

-Are you ready to order?

Yes, l'll have the chicken. White meat only.

And for the lady, perhaps a salad?

Perhaps not.

l'll have the steak, smothered in onions.

A rack of ribs. Pasta with extra garlic.

French fries with lots of vinegar and a

side of onion rings with lots of sauerkraut.

Have you ever had oysters?

Did you know oysters are an aphrodisiac?

Sorry.

My tongue's kind of big.

lt'll open. Hold it!

l'll push. Yeah. See, that did it there.

Just a little turn.

There's so many keys involved...

sometimes it's hard to figure out

what's what.

lt's Mei Ling.

What are you doing here? Girl, it's late!

Come on, now. You have to go home.

Get some rest.

You cannot stay. There are laws

against this kind of workmanship.

They'll think

l'm running some kind of sweatshop.

That girl does not know when to go home.

l'm telling you, she will stay here

and just clean forever.

This is really nice.

Yeah, this is dope.

Dope summer home l picked, boy.

Who's that?

The big, buff, bald dude with the fur?

That's my trainer.

You have your trainer on your wall?

Yes, well, for inspiration.

l want to look like that one day and...

l come in every morning

and l look at the.... You ever see Titanic?

-No, l haven't seen it.

-Me, either. You want something to drink?

-Yeah, sure. A glass of wine would be nice.

-Wine.

Okay, so l'll get you a glass of wine and....

That'd be in the kitchen, right?

l don't know. This is your house, Latrell.

Who? Oh, me! Latrell.

That's right. l'm Latrell. That's right.

l'm going to get you

a bottle of my wine in my house.

It's my house and I live here

Damn, little lady!

You sure can put it away.

You're so funny.

Voilà!

You have a dog.

No, l don't have no damn dog.

Well, then whose dog is that?

Sh*t.

That's not no dog.

That's family.

Hey, cousin.

Come here, boy.

He looks really mad! Are you okay?

Yeah, l'm fine. He just misses me, that's all.

Okay, boy, playtime's over. Let me up!

-You want me to go for help?

-No, we're just having fun.

You sure are playful today.

You want to go for a walk, boy?

l'll be right back!

You know what?

Forget this! l'm out of here!

l don't want to go on a date with a guy

and his dog is biting him and....

What's he doing now? What's that?

Don't pay him no mind.

He's just going to do that

until he falls asleep.

Now, where were we? Wine!

You know,

l like a woman with a little extra something.

A little cushion for the pushing.

l'd really love for you

to come to one of my games.

No, thank you. l've seen you play.

Not impressed.

Excuse me? l'm the highest scoring forward

in the league!

But all that talent? Totally overshadowed by

nothing but scandals and pure laziness.

Come on! You're shooting under %

from the free throw line, okay?

Your turnover ratio, abysmal.

And on top of that, you can't shoot

three-pointers to save your life. So...

squeeze me.

No one's ever cared like that before.

Come here, baby!

Oopsie! l had a poopsie.

Girl, we're going to get along just fine.

Back at you!

-Bask in the ambience!

-l'm going to be sick.

So, no. l jump over the fence, fall.

l scrape my knee.

-Get out of here.

-No, seriously, listen.

l scrape my knee. l get chased by the cops

and l spend the night in jail.

That's insane. You did all that

just to find J-Lo and Ben's hideaway?

l can't help it. You know,

investigative journalism is my passion.

So how'd you end up

writing puff pieces for the local news?

Unfortunately, l made some enemies...

and ended up getting fired from my last job.

What happened?

Believe me,

you don't want to know about that.

Look, l spent all night talking about myself.

Sometimes it's good for a man

to just sit back and listen.

Well, since you put it that way.

l did this piece on Warren Vandergeld.

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