White Chicks Page #3

Hey, Mr. V.

And look, there they are.

The fen-phen twins.

They're hot.

What, are you blind?

That's Heather and Megan Vandergeld.

Your sworn enemies since you were like,

I don't know. Eight?

Did I say hot? I meant not.

- I totally hate them.

- Did you guys hear about Megan?

She got stopped by security at Saks

trying to pull a Winona.

God. Come on.

- This is going to be fun.

- Move.

Look who just flew in from the slums

of Beverly Hills.

It's The Beverly Ho-billies.

- Squeeze me?

- No, you didn't.

I'm sorry, but we just saw your new video.

They had a screening

over at Saks Fifth Avenue...

in the security office.

A klept-ho-maniac.

Your mother shops at Saks.

What?

My God. You want to talk about mothers?

You want to talk about mothers.

It's mother time. Okay.

Your mother's so dumb

she went to Dr. Dre for a Pap smear.

"Something's wrong, Dr. Dre.

My coochie's doing a beatbox."

Yeah? Well, your mother is so stupid...

she exercises when she could just get...

liposuction or something.

Your mother's so old that her breast milk

is powdered. You breast-feed like this.

Your mother is so, like...

She's so...

Megan, you go.

Your mother is so stupid...

that she goes to Barneys Rooftop

Deck Restaurant for lunch...

and orders a nioise salad and calls it

a "ni-coise" salad.

"Ni-coise" salad, right?

Your mother's ass is so hairy...

it looks like Don King's about to pop out

and say, "Only in America!"

Your mother's so stupid...

that she goes into Gucci and she

tries to buy, like, Fendi and stuff.

Megan, Heather. Come on now, girls.

Is this any way to speak to your guests?

Brittany and Tiffany Wilson.

I haven't seen you since you were smaller.

Yeah. Well, we're all grown up now.

Yeah, I can see that.

Ladies, I fully expect

to see you later at the White Party.

- I think it's gonna be the best one ever.

- We'll be there.

- Take care. Bye. Good seeing you again.

- Bye, Mr. V.

This isn't over yet.

This is a long weekend.

You better watch your back.

- Ladies.

- Whatever.

I can't believe you guys just did that

to the Vandergelds.

You know, they could take you

off the scene just like that.

- Yeah, but it was so cool, you guys.

- So cool.

Isn't that Denise Porter from NY1 News?

Yeah, I'm working on getting you

an interview with her.

Great for your image.

I think I'll go over there

and introduce myself.

- Do you think now's a good time?

- Actually, it's a perfect time.

- Wouldn't want to miss a photo op.

- Never that.

- See you later.

- Have fun.

- What's wrong? Did you just get cramps?

- Yeah.

- Do you need a tamp?

- Heating pad?

- Hors d'oeuvres?

- Thank you, Wolfgang Paco.

Would you give that to Baby? Thank you.

- Bye, Chico. Vamonos.

- Bon apptit.

I'll have one.

- Hi, my name is...

- Brittany Wilson, of course.

Yeah. How'd you know? Brittany Wilson.

Well, it's my job to know.

Your publicist, Tori, has been calling me

nonstop about setting up an interview.

If I would've known you were so beautiful,

I probably would've called you myself.

Well, if I wasn't mistaken, I'd think

you were flirting with me, Miss Wilson.

Me? Flirting with you? A girl? Never.

Sorry, honey. Only beef.

- Boy, you're really strong, aren't you?

- It's from all that protein.

My God. These are delicious.

You might want to slow down

on the cheese.

You mean, there's cheese,

as in dairy cheese?

Yeah. Unless you know another way

to make quiche.

- Ladies, I think I got to go to the bathroom.

- Good. We'll come with.

No, I can handle it myself.

Thank you, though.

Like we're going to let you go alone.

Time for touchups anyway.

Move, b*tch.

My God, you guys.

Heath is here. What should I do?

I don't understand what you see in him.

He's an out-of-work actor

living in a share house.

And he drives a 3 Series BMW.

Tori, I really think that you need

to cut Heath a little bit of slack.

His aunt died three years ago

and he really needs new headshots.

He's just going through

a really rough time right now. Okay?

You okay?

Everything all right in there?

It's fine. Sh*t.

Tiff, we're just going to

meet you outside. Okay?

Love you.

Man, it may be summertime

in the Hamptons...

but it is snowing up in here.

Tony, hand me my boots

because I'm about to go skiing.

- Great game last night, Latrell.

- That's what I do, baby.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

A white girl with a black girl's ass.

I'm taking that home to Mama.

Pardon me.

Santa must've come early this year...

because you were first

on my Christmas list.

There it is, right there.

I want to know. Are you naughty or nice?

Sorry, I'm not interested.

- I'll take that as naughty.

- Naughty.

You know what they say:

"Once you go black,

you're going to need a wheelchair."

- Okay, call me later.

- As I was saying...

Look, King Kong. Why don't you take you

and your 1980 pickup lines...

climb the Empire State Building,

beat on your big old monkey chest...

and then jump off? Excuse me.

Hold up, hold on now. I'll get the...

- This is no joke, man.

- Get your hands off me, man.

She don't know it yet,

but that's wifey right there.

Hello, everybody. For just one second.

I'm Warren Vandergeld.

I'm sure most of you know me.

And I just want to remind you

that tonight's the night.

The Vandergeld Foundation's

annual charity auction.

So bring your checkbook...

dress to impress,

and we'll see you there. Have fun.

- So what are you going to wear?

- This?

You're so funny.

Ladies, you know what this means.

Shopping!

And now, the Number One

most requested song on WQQR...

- It's our jam.

- This is our jam, ladies. Come on.

Ready? Five, six, seven, eight...

Making my way downtown

Walking fast

Faces pass And I'm home bound

Staring blankly ahead

Just making my way

Making a way Through the crowd

Take it, Tiff and Britt.

This is your verse.

Into the sky

Do you think time

Would pass me by

'Cause you know I'd walk

A thousand miles

If I could Just see you

Tonight

C-minus.

That's hot. Totally hot.

Feel a nigga

Guys. I can't believe

that you just said that.

Said what?

The "N" word.

- So? Nobody's around.

- Yeah.

50 Cent and B.I.G. my nigga

Don't try to act like

you don't feel a nigga

Biggie yo nigga, 50 yo nigga

Squeeze the trigga' leave a nigga fo' sho

Ladies, can I help you?

Yes, actually.

I need something for my friend.

Something that says, "I'm not a

whore but I'm not a virgin either."

I've got just the thing. Come.

- What about you, Brittany?

- No, thank you, sweetie. I'm fine.

Good. You can help me. Come on.

- Me?

- Yeah, we're girls. That's what we do.

God.

Come on.

- Hello?

- Hi, baby.

What's up, baby?

I'm getting my hair done, and I was

thinking that we could go to the movies.

How's that sound?

- I'm back.

- Who is that?

You're never going to get that big old head

in this tiny hole.

- Here, let me help you.

- Hold on.

- I'll hold it open while you put it in.

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