White Chicks Page #4

- Okay.

- What is she holding?

- Push it.

- It's almost in.

- What is almost in? Marcus.

Marcus Anthony Copeland ll,

you better answer me right now.

- It's so tight.

- Tight?

The only thing's that's going to be tight

is my foot down your throat.

You better answer me!

It's a perfect fit.

- I can't believe what I just heard.

- I told you.

I'm exhausted.

Gina. Damn. Hello? Baby?

What do you think?

That looks so sexy.

Are you kidding?

"Hi, I'm Cellulite Sally.

Look at my huge bedonkey."

"And don't forget about me.

I'm Back Fat Betty."

Now who could have said that?

Yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy.

I can't even wear a short skirt...

and a top without looking like a fat pig.

Calm down. I'll go see if there's something

else out there for you. Okay?

Do you think Heath will love...

Do you need help?

I think I need a bigger size.

Honey, you never need a bigger size.

Come here.

Let me show you a little trick.

Brace yourself.

Suck it in. Squeeze those cheeks, sister.

Suck it in. Come on. Work with me.

Don't give up on me.

You can do this. Suck it in.

Now that looks totally cute.

My God! Are you kidding?

"Hi, I'm Carnie Wilson before my

gastric bypass surgery."

Well, what about this?

This goes with your skin tone.

Somebody throw Shamu back in the ocean!

Okay. Let me get you something else. Okay?

How's that?

I can't breathe.

Honey, this is just not going to work.

I'm sorry.

Well, of course not.

You're wearing the wrong underwear.

Is that better?

I can taste the leather.

Okay, you need a pair of hot shoes.

What size do you wear again?

- Fourteen.

- What?

Do you think you could bring us a size 10?

- A what?

- A 10.

It's an open-toed slide.

It gives you two sizes in the front

and two in the back.

- What about these? This one's...

- You b*tch! That's so terrible.

Let me go

and see if there's some help out there.

Some professional help.

You need professional help. Hang on.

- Okay.

- Dr. Phil!

Oprah. Somebody, help me.

Come on out, honey. Let's see.

It is absolutely fabulous. If you don't

buy it, I'm buying it for myself.

I don't know. Stand up straight.

Turn around.

Honey, just relax. Breathe.

You know what? Maybe a nice dress.

Okay. Who would you do?

Janet Reno or Rosie O'Donnell?

- What! Are you kidding me?

- And death is not an option.

I don't know. Rosie.

- You're a pig. That's disgusting.

- What are you talking about?

- Rosie's all right.

- Heads up. Here they are.

- Hold on. Who would you do?

- No time. We're on the job.

- He's got my gun and badge.

- Go get him!

Get in! Get in the car.

My God, I need a cigarette!

- Can you believe this?

- What do we do?

We follow them.

But we can't blow our cover.

- Give me back my bag.

- Oh, man.

I'll rip your head off.

Your ass is mine.

What is this girl, a track star?

You messed

with the wrong blonde today, pal.

- Holy Christ.

- Now I'm pissed.

I think she's bionic, dude.

Holy smokes.

- That was nice.

- Jeez, lady. All that for a bag?

It's not just a bag. It's Prada.

- It was like a reality show.

- It was so cool.

- Right behind you.

- Nice going, Tori.

Way to get us sat at the losers' table.

I thought you had it all hooked up.

Excuse me. I do have the hook-up.

Don't blame me.

Blame Little Miss Def Jam over here...

who had to go, "Yo' mama"

on the Vandergelds.

We could be finished in this town.

- Somebody had to stand up to those guys.

- They're the "it" girls.

- That's the way it's always been.

- Whatever.

Honey, quick. Give me a pat.

No, a powder for my nose. Quick.

Thanks.

No, I'm just kidding.

I tried to call you,

but your number changed?

Yeah, I know. I changed it.

Anyway, so, I was just

wondering if maybe...

later we could...

Hello. Where have you been all night?

I've been looking all over for you.

Why are you talking to her?

Clean it up, coke whore.

Do you have any more of that?

Don't hate me because you ain't me.

Can I have your attention, please?

Gentlemen, get out your wallets...

because you'll be bidding on a date...

with some of Hamptons'

most eligible bachelorettes.

First up, yours truly.

Who wants to start the bidding?

- $500?

- $500.

Okay. Do I hear $1,000?

Well, looks like we're all

on the Vandergelds' D-list.

- Is this seat taken?

- Oh, no. Have a seat.

Can you believe this?

They're actually auctioning off women.

- Would you ever do anything like that?

- Well, it's for a good cause.

Besides, being wined and dined

by a rich guy might be nice.

I see, so you like rich guys?

It might be a pleasant change

from all the losers that ask me out.

- $3,000.

- That's good.

I see.

But I think that we can

do better than that.

- $20,000.

- Sold.

$20,000. That is a new record.

That is very good.

Next to be auctioned is Tiffany Wilson.

- That's you.

- Me?

You better do something.

Excuse me, honey. I'll be right back.

Who wants to start the bidding?

$4.

$4. Do I hear $5?

$1,000.

$1,000. Does anyone wish to go higher?

Yeah, I got $2,000 right here.

$3,000.

$5,000.

Who said that?

$5,000 to the dirty geezer in the back.

I'm sure no one will wish

to go higher than that...

so we can just be done with it now.

$10,000.

$20,000.

$20,000! Going once, going twice...

$50,000. Cash!

Fine.

Sold...

to the big black guy right there.

Step right up and claim your prize.

I don't want

to go on a date with Buff Daddy.

Come here, baby.

Dude, my feet are killing me.

And on top of that, that G-string

gave me diaper rash.

- How long we got to do this, man?

- Just a couple more days.

I don't have a couple of more days.

Do you know who my wife is?

Here, listen to this message.

She's losing her mind.

With another woman

doing what I think you're doing!

You don't want to hear the rest.

By the end of the weekend,

we'll be heroes and all will be forgiven.

All right.

- You order room service?

- No.

Who is it?

Damn! These girls won't quit.

We'll be right there. We're coming.

Hang on.

- Open up!

- Open.

One second.

We'll be right there. Hang on.

The ice cream's melting!

Hold tight, girls!

We're just shaving our feet, okay?

And braiding our vaginae.

What, did you guys forget?

It's your turn to host the slumber party.

Okay, you guys. What does it mean...

when a guy is in a really

bad relationship...

and it's really obvious

that he wants to be with you...

but he just can't seem to break up with

his girlfriend?

It means you're a total booty call.

- My God! Brittany!

- Well, you were thinking it.

Well, you said it.

You know,

sometimes you sound just like a man.

So I've been told.

What she means to say, honey...

is maybe you're just making yourself

just a little bit too, like, available.

Come on, you guys.

Don't act like you haven't done it before.

You know how it is

when you really care about someone.

You call them all day long...

because you just wanna know

how their day is going...

and what they're thinking about

and if they're thinking about you.

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