White Irish Drinkers Page #3

gonna load it, okay?

Hey, pop.

- Where your mother?

- She's at church.

- What's in the box?

- Nothing.

It's brian's.

- Oh,

let me ask you something.

I come home,

every light in the house is on.

It's like we're living in the

las vegas strip or something,

so this made me mad.

I'm asking you,

should this make me mad?

- I don't know, pop.

Should it?

- You crack wise,

I'll put you through the wall.

Give me a straight answer.

- Yeah, pop,

it ought to make you mad.

- Why?

- Because you got to pay

the bills, pop.

That's why.

- Who dialed your number?

- I'm just saying, we know

you got to pay the bills.

- Outside.

- Pop,

I didn't mean anything by it.

- Outside.

It's always something with you,

isn't it, huh?

Nice of you to show up.

You come home

to f***ing change your clothes?

You gonna have a f***ing shower?

F***ing a**hole.

Well, here, how about this, huh?

Come here.

Yeah, maybe you'll remember this

next time you don't come home,

all right?

- Danny,

you coming in?

- Shh.

I'll be right in.

It's just a storm.

Don't worry.

- I can't thank you enough,

pete.

Really.

You have no idea

what this means to me.

I understand.

Okay.

Okay, pete.

I'll see you on the 28th.

Great.

Bye-bye.

You know who that was?

- Wild guess:

Some guy named pete?

- Pete rudge.

Mr. Rock and roll.

Pete rudge, the rolling stones'

tour manager.

- Get out.

- I'm not kidding.

I met him at a hotel bar once

five, six years ago

over in the city.

His wallet got stolen.

I lent him money,

gave him a ride to the airport.

Long story short, he says,

if I ever needed anything...

- No f***ing way.

- Wait,

so I see he's in the city

with the rolling stones.

I figure maybe he's at

the same hotel.

I call the hotel.

He remembers me

like it was yesterday.

So I tell him about

the fiscal complexities

that I find myself in-

- you're not gonna tell me

that the rolling stones

are coming here.

- One night only,

the 28th.

They play for an hour,

and they're gone.

We can only advertise

the day of,

no advance tickets,

door only.

The f***ing rolling stones

are coming to the lafayette.

Both:
Ahhhh!

- You're a f***ing genius.

- No, it's you.

I never would have had

the balls to ask

if you hadn't gotten concerts

going here

in the first f***ing place.

- God,

but we can't advertise it?

- Not in the papers,

but you've got to get out there

and spread the word, brian.

Let the rumors fly.

We'll have a line from here

to f***ing kansas on the 28th.

This is gonna do it finally.

I'm gonna be

in the f***ing black again.

- Again?

- Okay,

for the first time... Ever.

Both:
Ahhhh!

- Got a shitload of work to do,

and especially you.

You've got to talk

to your friends.

You've got friends,

right?

- Yes,

I have friends.

I will have a million people

at this theater.

- Just a couple of hundred

will do.

- Car three,

where the f*** are you?

A guy's waiting on 75th street.

- Hey, phil,

I just went by there.

There's nobody there.

- Hey, f*ggot,

how you doing?

- How you doing?

- Forget about it; I stayed

on my feet the whole time.

The son of b*tch

never knocked me down yet.

- Come on.

Take a ride with me.

- Looks like you

already got a fare.

- He's shitfaced.

Don't worry about it.

Get in.

Help me out here.

- Okay.

- All right.

Hey.

- Oh,

what is that smell?

- Don't ask.

- Yeah,

it's all right.

- See that place

across the street?

Jimmy cheeks told me

he's got a guy

who's looking to buy

cases of liquor cheap.

- Are we just gonna

leave him there?

- Yeah,

his wife will bring him in

when she gets home from work.

He's a regular.

- You got some classy clientele.

- Anyway, liquor central

gets a shipment in

every saturday night,

so if we hit them on a sunday,

we can clean 'em out.

And jimmy cheeks will get us

$500, maybe even a grand,

for how many cases

we can carry out.

- Look, danny,

I don't want to do that.

- You don't want to split

a grand with me?

- No, I'd love to, but I don't

want to steal anything anymore,

and let's face it,

I'm not exactly

a criminal mastermind, okay?

- I'll teach you.

That's what brothers are for.

- Oh, not really,

but I appreciate the thought.

- You know, I'm trying

to look out for you over here.

I'm trying to help you out

a little bit.

You know,

I could ask anyone to help me,

but I asked you.

- Look, I've got other things

going on right now, okay?

I mean,

you're not gonna believe this,

but the f***ing rolling stones

are coming-

- w-w-what are you saying,

no?

- Come on, danny.

- If you came to me like this,

you think I'd say no?

- I don't come to you like this.

- That's 'cause you got

no f***ing loyalty.

- How do you get from talking

about robbing a liquor store-

- you're a spineless

little prick.

You know that, brian?

- It's been really great

talking to you.

- I tell you what,

I'll wait for my friend ray

to get out of jail.

At least he's a pro,

who won't f*** it up,

like you will.

- Oh, yeah?

If he's such a f***ing pro,

what's he doing in f***ing jail?

- Watch your f***ing mouth.

- Don't f***ing hit me.

- I'm not hitting you,

you f*ggot.

It's a slap,

like a girl.

You don't even deserve

a man's punch.

- Don't f***ing hit me!

Don't f***ing hit me!

- Or what?

Or what?

You're a f***ing misfit,

brian.

Remember that.

That's all you are.

That's all you ever will be,

a f***ing misfit, mother...

Piece of sh*t.

- What?

- You got my beer?

- Oh,

look at this.

- Are you shitting me?

- I sh*t you not.

- The rolling stones

are gonna play lafayette.

- Why not?

You think they're too

f***ing good for the lafayette?

- F*** yes, jerry.

The harmonicats are too good

for the lafayette.

- F***ing college snob.

- Well,

it's simple probability theory.

Is it possible the stones

are coming to brooklyn?

Yes.

Is it likely?

No.

- Well, you just can't stand it

that something big is happening

right here in brooklyn.

See carnegie f***ing mellon

on the stones tour.

- Yeah, what kind of

f***ing university name is that?

Was it a deli or a fruit stand?

Believe me, if todd goes there,

it's a f***ing fruit stand.

- Anybody?

Huh?

- F*** that, man.

I don't do weed.

- Yeah, man, me neither.

- What are you,

the f***ing boy scouts now?

- No, just f***ing tradition,

you hump, all right?

We don't do smoke.

We don't do pills.

We don't do needles.

We are white...

Irish drinkers.

We drink.

That is what we do.

- Brian?

- No, my tradition's

all tied up in beer.

- Oh, hey, hold on.

What is this?

- Hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Leave my sh*t alone.

- New york city department

of sanitation?

- Ohhh!

- You f***ing did it,

didn't you?

You applied.

You f***ing applied.

Yeah!

- It's a good job.

It's a good job, and garbagemen

get paid more than teachers.

- You say that

like you're proud.

- I am.

- Listen, jerry,

I'm telling you,

civil service,

you can't beat the bennies.

Look at me.

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