Whoopee! Page #5

a waffle in my life.

I wouldn't know how to...

Have you got a larger bowl?

(HUMMING)

I'm making waffles

(HUMMING)

I'm making waffles

I'm making waffles

What is this? E-P-S-O-M.

Epsom, Epsom, Epsom...

(HUMMING)

I'm making waffles

(HAMMERING)

"$500 reward..."

(SINGING NERVOUSLY)

Hey, who are you?

Me work here.

Me Greek.

You put that

sign upstairs.

Yeah, and I'm hungry

to get that guy.

You hungry?

I fix you up.

One roast beef, one buttered toast,

one strawberry pie,

one cups coffee...

Hey, I don't want that stuff!

You want something else.

One fried egg, sunny-side up.

Turn on the heat,

turn on the heat

Hey, you're no Greek.

Now, who are you?

What do you care?

I'm asking you,

who are you?

Don't ask so

many questions.

You remind me of

my nurse when you...

Oh, have you a nurse?

I did have, but I

got rid of the pest.

She was a pest, huh?

She was. She was

worse than a pest.

She was a seven-minute

boiled egg.

She was

a blonde weasel.

She was a phooey.

That's what she was, that woman.

Hey, you're not fooling me.

I know you're Henry Williams.

Henry... Who the...

What the... How the...

I did not. I did not.

Now, where's

Sally Morgan?

Why, how do I

know what Sally...

Isn't she here?

Why, no, honestly. No!

But you love her,

don't you?

No, no, no.

I could kiss

you for that.

Why do you want to kiss me?

What kind of a cowboy are you?

Henry, look,

don't you know me?

Miss Custer.

So, I'm a blonde

weasel, huh?

Say...

A phooey.

I knew you all the time.

Oh, yeah.

You didn't fool me.

You knew me, huh?

Pick up your hat, go ahead.

Go ahead, pick it up. Pick it up.

Listen, Henry.

Listen to me.

Do you know that the cowboys and

the sheriff are on your trail?

Sure. They're

all on my trail.

Will you do me a favor, Miss Custer?

Why, sure.

Go and tell them that

everything is all right.

Will you, please?

Will you go and tell them?

Oh, Henry,

did I ever refuse to do anything for you?

No, you haven't.

But this is the one time when

I need you more...

You know what I'm like, Henry.

If I didn't need you...

For three long years,

I've watched over you like a little baby.

When I say...

(HENRY EXCLAIMING)

Henry, stop that

and listen to me.

Don't you know anything at all?

Everybody's after you.

Sure. Yes!

But listen, if Sally

isn't here with you,

I'll protect you

with my life.

Yes, yes.

But if she is here,

heaven help you.

You're such a darling,

Miss Custer.

You're always

trying to help me.

I love you, Henry.

Well, I'll be.

Say, what is this?

Why, it's nothing.

I'm getting a treatment.

This is my nurse.

Nurse?

Well, you'll need a real

nurse and a few doctors, too,

if I don't get

something to eat.

Where's them waffles?

What waffles?

Why, I'll sock you...

Hey, just wait a minute.

Don't you dare

touch him.

Why, he's sick.

He's delicate.

Don't you lay

a hand on him.

One blow

might kill him.

Oh, Henry, dear.

(LAUGHING)

Go, get somebody,

quick.

He's fainted.

Henry!

(HENRY GROANS)

Get the baggage upstairs.

Chester, phone Sheriff Bob Wells

to get here at once.

Right-o.

Oh, it's him!

What... Oh, my nerves,

my nerves.

It's him,

all right.

You get back

up there!

Where? Where?

Where am I?

Mr. Underwood,

welcome home to Bar M Ranch!

Welcome? This is

a fine welcome!

Held up, insulted,

I haven't had anything to eat.

My nerves are

all shattered.

Get me some

breakfast.

Yes, sir, there's the cook,

right there, sir.

Would you care to have

some nice waffles?

No, no, no.

I'm a very nervous man,

and I need plenty of nourishment.

Get me some buckwheat cakes,

fried chicken, fried potatoes,

beans, corn, pudding, salad,

and a nice cup of coffee.

What? No cereal?

Say, where have I

seen you before?

Why, in some hospital.

You've been in a hospital?

All of them.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing.

Just let me take a

nap. I'm all right.

I feel good, now.

I feel good.

But I do have trouble

with my stomach.

Every night for 19 years,

I've had to take bicarbonate of soda.

That's nothing.

I've had stomach trouble all my life.

No?

Look at the coat

on my tongue.

Yeah, look at the

pants on mine.

Say, I've had pneumonia

four times.

Ha! I'm even with you.

I've had double pneumonia twice.

Sit down.

Pull up a chair.

My boy, did you ever

have the hives?

The hives?

I've had the itch and a

broken arm at the same time.

For a sinus operation,

I was under ether one hour and 45 minutes!

An hour and 45 minutes?

Yes.

And you think you were under ether?

Yes.

Mister, they gave

you vanilla.

I'm going to tell

you something.

I had an operation

of water on the knee.

Look at this bump I got from an

operation of water on the knee.

See this bump here?

From an operation

of water on the knee?

Yes, sir, they

ran out of ether.

See the bump here?

See it?

Are you going to have

any more operations?

What do you think the doctor said?

What?

Doctor said if I have one more operation,

he's gonna put in a zipper.

A zipper,

like that.

I got a scar, six inches long,

from appendicitis operation.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm gonna show you a scar.

You think

you've got a scar?

I'm gonna show you something,

my dear man, that will amaze you.

Here is really a scar from an operation.

You see that?

Now, look down here,

see that?

All the way down

to the leg?

You see it?

Let me take a look at yours.

Listen, I'm ready

to prove to you.

Here, does this show?

Wait a minute,

see that?

Now, wait a minute,

I wanna show you.

See this? 51,

is that good?

Yes, but, my boy,

look at this one.

Come down here.

Just let me show you an operation.

You see that,

can you see how far down that operation goes?

Now, can you see it?

Say, now, let me see.

Let me see your operation.

For goodness...

Oh, for heaven's...

I don't even think

you had an operation!

Can you see it now?

See what I mean? There you are.

Yes, sir, my boy,

that is some operation.

I'll say so.

Tell me, what did

your operation cost?

$200.

$200?

(LAUGHS)

That's nothing.

Mine cost $2,400.

How much?

$2,400.

Do you mind if I take one more

little peek at it, like...

Oh, well,

no wonder!

You've got

hemstitching.

Sally,

the sheriff and his men are coming.

I cut through the hills

to beat them here.

They're going to hang

Henry Williams. No!

Now, if you love him,

go, and go quickly.

But I don't love him.

Why did you

elope with him?

Because I couldn't

marry Bob Wells.

I don't love him.

If you don't love Henry Williams,

if you don't love Bob Wells,

who do you love?

Last night, when

we were together,

I knew I could never

marry anyone else.

Sally.

Take me away with you

into the mountains.

I'll live the way

of your people.

I can't do that, Sally.

You'd be an outcast!

Oh, I don't care

what they'd say.

But don't you realize that if I let

you make this sacrifice for me,

I wouldn't be

worthy of your love.

It can't be, Sally.

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