Whoopee! Page #6

This is the end.

Wanenis.

The Epsom did it.

(HUMMING)

I'm making waffles

Hey, Mr. Underwood,

the sheriff is coming.

Sheriff Bob Wells

is here!

Who did you say?

Sheriff Bob Wells.

Bob Wells! Oh, for...

Listen, fellas,

we pack them here.

You know the

fella I'm after.

Look over the ranch.

Watch the roads.

And don't let a white man get by you.

You get me?

Don't let a white

man get by you.

(EXPLOSION)

Sally Morgan?

How dare you

speak to me?

What the...

Don't you know me?

Henry?

Henry Williams?

Well, of course...

Well, who am I, Amos 'n Andy?

Why, your disguise

is perfect.

How did you ever

think of it?

You mean the black?

Yes.

I didn't.

I got in the stove,

and somebody else thought of it.

Sally Morgan?

You've been crying.

Now, what's the trouble?

I wish I were dead.

Don't say that.

I wish I'd never

been born.

You could have said that first

and saved yourself a wish.

You know that,

don't you?

Henry, if you loved a person,

and they were of Indian blood...

I can't stand the

sight of any blood.

We've no time to fool around.

The sheriff is here.

And he's come

to hang you.

Well, let's not

hang around here.

Here. Who are you?

The waitress.

Who are you?

The cook.

Where's my breakfast?

Your breakfast, ha!

I didn't eat myself yet.

His breakfast... Come on, Sally.

Andy, what kind of

a cook have you got?

Oh, Dad,

I found the bandit's flivver...

What are you

doing here?

Whose flivver is this?

I don't... No!

What's the matter

with you?

Are you crazy?

(GASPS) No!

Just as a precaution,

I think I'd better have the

sheriff arrest you, don't you?

Yes!

Sally, get into

the flivver.

I'll be with you in a minute,

and don't move until I get back!

There must have been

a dozen bandits,

and every one looked

like a killer to me!

Don't worry, Mr. Underwood,

Sheriff Bob Wells always gets his man!

Hey, you.

Come here!

Where you from?

We moved.

Yeah?

What's your name?

Rudy Vallee.

Who is this fella?

He works for me.

He's a cook.

Yes, sir, but I

is a singing cook.

Yeah. Well,

I got an idea maybe you ain't no cook at all.

Maybe you don't

sing, either.

Go on, let's

hear you. Now!

I'm so happy

since the day

That I fell in love

in a great big way

And a big surprise is

someone loves me too

Guess it's hard

for you to see

Just what anyone

could see in me

But it only goes to

prove what love can do

My baby don't

care for shows

My baby don't

care for clothes

My baby just cares for me

My baby don't care

for cars and races

My baby don't care

for high-toned places

My baby don't care for rings

or other expensive things

She's sensible as can be

My baby don't

care who knows it

My baby just cares for me

My baby's no Gilbert fan

Ronald Colman

is not her man

My baby just cares for me

My baby don't care

for Lawrence Tibbetts

She'd rather have

me around to kibitz

Bud Rogers is

not her style

And even Chevalier's smile

Is something

that she can't see

I wonder what's

wrong with baby

My baby just cares

for me, me, only me

Say, that was

pretty good.

Sing us another

chorus of that.

Yeah, sing

us another.

You really

want me to?

Yeah.

My baby don't

care for shows

My baby don't

care for clothes

My baby just cares for me

CHESTER:
Help! Help!

BOB:
What was that?

Did you think there was a

voice coming from the garage?

Yeah.

Why, that was me.

Well, of course!

I throw my voice in

different directions.

I'm a contortionist.

Didn't you know it?

Listen to this...

How are you?

(FAINTLY)

"All right."

How do you feel?

"Pretty good."

See you later.

"All right."

Goodbye.

"Goodbye."

(EXCLAIMS) You!

My baby don't

care for shows

My baby don't

care for clothes

My baby just cares for me

CHESTER:
Help! Help! Help!

Hold that man.

He slugged me.

The bandit's flivver's

in the garage.

They must be

on this ranch.

Was there anyone missing

on this place last night?

Only Mort and Andy.

They went into town.

Take them into the kitchen,

and I'll question them.

Well!

And you, too.

I know, but listen, Sheriff...

Get in there.

I didn't do anything.

Don't tell me that.

I know different.

Yeah,

what about it?

Search those guys.

(LAUGHING)

I'm ticklish!

Let me do it to

you, Sheriff!

Why, I'll smash

you one...

Line up some

chairs here.

I want to

question them.

And sit down.

Now listen, you

guys, all of you...

Pardon me,

if you'll allow me,

I will quickly discover which of

these three men is the guilty one.

How?

By applying

psychology,

if you'll have them do

exactly as I tell them.

They'll do as

they're told.

This is a little

psychological experiment.

I studied the method

in my college laboratory.

Hold these, please.

I'm going to read your

most secret thoughts

by what is known as the

association of ideas.

If you can read my thoughts,

you oughta kick me in the face right away.

BOB:
Quiet.

Well, I propose to know not

what you want to tell me,

but what you're

trying to keep from me.

Pardon me.

Did you ever tiptoe through the tulips?

Oh, Esther.

Sit down.

Good boy, Chester.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, Father.

Look,

he just met his father for the first time.

(LAUGHING)

Have you seen

your mother yet?

I haven't any proper

mechanical apparatus,

but I can use

a substitute.

Use your old man.

What?

Allow me.

You will all hold

your clenched fists

directly out in

front of you, so.

Upon these fists,

the sheriff will place

one of these china plates,

thus.

Then, I'm going to ask

you a few questions.

Then, you're going to hear the

cutest answers you ever heard.

Quiet.

When I speak the word associated

in your mind with your guilt,

you will drop the

plates. You must.

Pardon me.

Have you seen my operation?

Sit down and hold out your fists,

all of you!

Oh, we're gonna

have waffles.

Oh, shut up.

The muscular reaction

of the normal person

acts independent of

the subject's will.

Says which?

I said,

the muscular reaction of the normal person

acts independent of

the subject's will.

Except February,

which has 28.

BOB:
Shut up!

Now, listen.

Which one of you men

has ever been

called a scholar?

A poet?

A philosopher?

Which one of you men has

ever been called a thief?

(HENRY LAUGHING)

(IN SINGSONG)

Oh, the sheriff is a thief.

Why, what's the

meaning of this?

Go on,

pull up a chair for the sheriff.

Quiet! I'm not

on trial here.

We'll resume.

Dog, cat, cow, wolf,

lion, leopard...

He's a salesman

for animal crackers.

Shut up.

Automobile, Ford car,

Illinois state license, garage...

That one's guilty.

Take him away!

BOB:
Lock him up!

Good boy, Chester.

Isn't he wonderful?

Go on, Chester!

(BLEATS)

May not even

be his boy!

Doctor, parson,

sailor, thief...

Pardon me, are you

wearing a girdle?

Quiet.

Love is sweet.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

The air is soft.

The wind blows.

The waves...

Sit down there,

or I'll bust you in the nose.

Who do you think

you're kidding?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes