Whoops Apocalypse Page #4

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You're telling me

that the entire population of Great Britain

went and elected

a deranged psychotic

to the highest office of the land...

...again?

OK. OK.

Send him in.

Mr Virgil Grodd, madam,

from the CIA Directorate of Plans.

He comes highly recommended

This is a very delicate matter.

It requires a man with special qualities.

You'll not find me lacking

in tenacity, madam.

I have trained my body

to endure any level of pain by sheer willpower.

I can place my genitalia into a burning

candle flame without flinching once.

Er... that's a very... useful discipline,

I'm sure, Mr Grodd, but I don't think we...

we have... no.

I have a candle here, if you'd like to see.

Er... no, Mr Grodd.

Perhaps we could concentrate on the reason

for which we called you in.

Yes, you want me to eliminate

the Prime Minister of...

Mr Grodd, I, as President, have no knowledge

of whatever it is I've called you in to do.

Naturally. I fully understand,

and I've taken the liberty of drawing up

a provisional plan of operations here.

In approximately three hours, I and two Cuban

agents will board a plane for London,

and check into a small hotel

close to Whitehall.

At 0900 hours,

we circulate rigged Polaroids of the Prime

Minister in an unnatural act with a horse.

Fine. Mr Grodd,

I think I've heard enough of the details for now.

As a diversion to the media, we engineer

an outbreak of herpes in the Royal Family,

- and as soon as Her Majesty checks in...

- Mr Grodd!

Thank God.

I was starting to think this place was deserted.

Howdy-doody pals

May we remind all vacationers

of today's special activities

Relax and enjoy swimming running gymnastics

and tractor maintenance

with our many smiling instructresses

Plus tonight in the Malibu Ballroom

compulsory disco dancing

- Can I help you, gentlemen?

- Hi. We're members of the press,

here on an international fact-finding tour

in the Caribbean.

Could we have a room here for a few nights?

Unfortunately,

all of our rooms are completely taken.

We are at the very peak

of our tourist season.

Listen. I need to make

a couple of phone calls.

I am afraid that we do not have

a single telephone on the island.

Oh... out of order.

All the lines were damaged

in the er... monsoon.

- Monsoon?

- Grain shortage... earthquake.

Earthquake? Look...

As I said... sir...

this sunshine paradise is very popular

with your American holiday visitors.

Come this way, please.

And this... this is the dining room.

We regret to announce that all

our dining tables are as booked up as can be

Molotov cocktail,

Gulag Archipelago burger...

As you can see,

we are full right up at the moment.

All the hotels

on this booming-trade tourist paradise

are completely booked.

Take a gander, pally.

There is an 18-month waiting list

to use the lavatory

We could not fit in a single extra body.

So, as you can see, gentlemen,

you have no alternative

but to hire a boat back

to the mainland at once.

But please tell all your friends

about our flourishing holiday industry.

The way out is just over there. OK...

We regret to announce

that tonight's beach party and weenie roast

- has been cancelled due to an avalanche

- Thanks a million, kiddo!

And limbo dancing under the roadblocks

is strictly forbidden Thank you

Na zdorovye.

That's very impressive, Mr Grodd.

Thank you, sir.

And now to business, gentlemen.

This is an exact replica

of the Prime Minister's bath oil.

Scratch down the side. Harrod's price tag.

Worn gold on the cap right here.

We know he uses this every morning.

Tomorrow, things will be a little different.

Concentrated trioxalic acid.

Dissolves solid steel in 15 seconds.

As soon as he steps into

his bathtub... sssss.

Like a snowman in a sauna bath

Now, the main... Are you OK?

Excuse me.

I suppose there's no other answer.

He's got to go.

There's no way this operation can fail,

Mr Sumpter.

You have my personal guarantee.

Ah, Nigel, Michael.

Lovely to see you. Come on in.

You're looking surprisingly well,

Prime Minister, considering the erm...

Well, I'll live, Nigel.

Yes...

What do you think?

Had it done by microsurgery.

British medicine's the finest in the world.

But I'll tell you one thing.

It's a good job I didn't sit down in that bath.

Ha-ha!

Yes. How very lucky that was.

Can't imagine who'd want

to do that. Can you?

Well, I do know one thing.

I'll find out.

Apple?

I have failed you, gentlemen, but have no fear.

I know exactly what to do now.

There was something distinctly odd about

this place that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

Hey! Careful what you're doing.

Yet, the more I thought about it...

the more a strange theory

started to form in my mind.

Hello again!

Hi there. Hey, this is Mr McDonald's,

another genuine vacationer.

This afternoon, Mr McDonald's is returning

in his private boat to the mainland,

and would be pleased to

give you both a ride.

So, thanks a heap, kids.

See you later, alligator.

On your feet. We're going

to take a little walk.

"Tinkerbell's Floral Wonderland?"

Come on. Give me a hand.

God Almighty!

There was no doubt about it.

This obscure little island was no tourist haven.

It was being used as a Soviet nuclear missile

base, right on America's doorstep.

If this doesn't get me the Pulitzer prize,

nothing will.

Come on, Slim. Let's move it.

Hey, come on. Wake up.

It's now two weeks

since British forces recaptured Santa Maya,

liberating its population of 7^50

from Maguadoran rule.

And with 48,000 troops

now permanently based in the country,

to guard against future attack,

General Mosquera appears finally

to have abandoned his designs

on this tiny Central American territory.

You are sure you can secure for us

the services of this man... Lacrobat, Mr...?

Nebuchadnezzar.

Harrison Hindenburg Nebuchadnezzar.

Personal management

of the world's leading international terrorists.

Yes.

My client, Mr Lacrobat,

has many prior commitments at the moment.

However, you tell me what you are proposing,

and I'll tell you whether or not he's available.

We need his help

to get the British out of Santa Maya quickly,

before our people turn against us.

Yeah, I see. You realise, of course,

that Mr Lacrobat's fees

are not inconsiderable?

The money is no object.

We would sell our grandmothers for such a man.

Gentlemen, I think we have a deal.

With this Lacrobat's help,

Santa Maya will once again be ours.

Soldier boy, don't point that thing at me

Left and right, we've

got to work all night

My mama never told me I'd be in a fight

I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul

I'd lay down anything I was told

Because we're out here

trying hard to do our best

It's pretty plain for all to see

So, just be careful, soldier boy

Don't point that thing, point that thing

Point that thing at me

Left and right, we've

got to work all night

My mama never told me I'd be in a fight

I'd lay down my life, I'd lay down my soul

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