Whoops Apocalypse Page #5

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I'd lay down anything I was told

Now here's the man

with the Mesmer eyes Ed Rosario!

Yes? What do you want?

Well, come on. Identify yourself.

Right.

Oh, God!

Hi, there. Looking for me?

Listen

You don't recognise

America's greatest illusionist?

Johnny Brainiac...

Master of Magic

The man who made Hollywood Boulevard

vanish beneath a silk handkerchief.

The man who once made

the Senate Foreign Relations Committee appear

inside a tuna fish salad.

See, I'm here

to baffle and bewilder your countrymen

with a small performance from my repertoire.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I've got to go through and set up for my act.

I can't let you do that, sir. Otherwise...

Well, what have we here?

My letter of accreditation.

I'll have to take a look in the truck first.

OK. When I snap my fingers...

...you will become a chicken.

A loud, squawking...

chicken.

You will be in a real panic.

The whole place will be on fire for you.

Smoke everywhere.

You will suddenly become very sexy.

You will do a striptease.

You will be sensational.

All right. Are you ready? Here we go.

Stripper music

Fire!

There's a fire!

- Cluck-cluck-cluck!

- A fire! Smoke everywhere!

What's he doing...

Fire! There's smoke everywhere!

Fire! Fire!

- Cluck-cluck-cluck.

- What's he doing? Fire! Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Fire! Get the fire team!

- Cluck!

- Fire!

All right, Harry. Time for a cup... Eh?

Sarge!

Ladies and gentlemen,

for my first trick, I shall require the

assistance of a member of the Royal Family.

A princess, perhaps.

Come along, ma'am.

I'm hopeless!

Now we have a lovely princess

we must have... a palace!

If the Princess will join me inside.

One!

Stop! Stop him! That man's no magician.

Three!

Oh, my God!

Quick. Search that elephant.

Yes. Yes, Your Majesty.

I shall leave no stone unturned.

I'm discharging myself now

and assuming complete control.

Whoever is guilty of this heinous atrocity

will pay dearly.

You may depend on that.

Since, at the time of the kidnapping,

I was personally indisposed in hospital,

my two cabinet colleagues,

Mr Sumpter and Mr Lipman,

were technically responsible

for the safety and security of the Princess.

Mr Sumpter and Mr Lipman

are honourable men,

and within the last 24 hours,

they've each submitted to me

a written request to be publicly crucified,

and with great regret,

I've had to accept their requests. Thank you.

"An estimated crowd of 100,000

witnessed the event

and throughout the day,

all national TV programmes were blacked out,

and replaced with sombre music. "

Well, I guess we sit tight now

and pray he doesn't do anything rash.

The man just held a public crucifixion

at Wembley Stadium!

Well, he certainly has

moved to the right politically.

So, Mosquera hired Lacrobat to kidnap Wendy.

But why? And what happens next?

- Excuse me, madam.

- What?

- There's a special message for you.

- Yes?

Well...

it's in the form of a Rambo-gram, madam.

Excuse me?

Send him in.

I have for you a message here

from Mr Lacrobat

He has sent an ul... timatum

just to tell you where it's at

If the British don't pull out their troops

in 84 hours flat

Princess Wendy will be killed

Get on the phone...

Princess Wendy will be killed, yeah

Her head, with lead

it will be filled, yeah

Her royal blood, it will be spilled

If the Brits don't shift their ass

84 hours! That's what? Saturday, midnight.

Marv, tear the Caribbean apart.

Drag the North Atlantic,

if you have to, but find her.

Gather round, everybody!

See what I've got here!

Something that will excite your imagination.

Yes, indeed. Step right up.

I'm sure that you and your partner

will enjoy a thrilling adventure, to excite...

Break it up, now, folks. Move along.

Come on Move along

Move along there. Come on.

Thank you. That's it. Now, come on.

Come on, Sheriff!

Couldn't you prevail upon them

to stay for just a moment?

I still have three more boxes

of whistling condoms to dispense.

Just what the sh*t are you messin' at

with this fancy wagon, boy?

We've got a respectable

town here, and I ain't...

- Whistling condoms?

- That's correct sir

Dr Hans Janker's whistling condoms

are the very first contraceptives

to play a tune upon ejaculation.

They come in seven different melodies,

and so can you.

Pedro The Fisherman, Sabre Dance,

Sparky's Magic Piano, Big Rock Candy...

All right! All right.

Now, just who in the hell are you, anyhow?

February's the name, sir.

Roderick Jesus February.

Mobile suppliers of sexual requisites

in the state of Florida for eight decades.

Ah! A most discerning choice, sir.

The blow-up sheep.

Blow-up what?

It's a brand-new addition

to our wide range of inflatables.

Especially designed for

the farming community.

The deluxe model has three holes,

which makes it ideal for parties,

and, of course, if you

wish to hear it climax...

Jesus H Christ!

- Give me your hands.

- Ah, so that's where your tastes lie, huh?

Now, you should have specified.

You see, we are the nation's foremost supplier

of top-quality bondage accoutrements.

As you can see, my beautiful assistant Wendy

is wearing the latest

in our corporal restraint collection.

Note how the twin-tied Indian hemp

with triple-bonded padlocks and nipple grips

resist even the fiercest struggle,

while the moulded latex muzzle

is guaranteed three years against teeth bites.

Holy Gideon!

If I ain't seen enough dirt here to run you in

and throw the whole goddamn book at you,

my name ain't Maxton S Pluck,

County Sheriff.

Now, er... Sheriff, let's

not be so hasty, hm?

I'm sure that we can work out

some little... arrangement. Hm?

Maxton, this is so unlike you!

Ooh! Ohh!

There now follows a special broadcast

by the Prime Minister

the Right Honourable Sir Mortimer Chris MP

Good evening. Tonight, as I speak to you,

we face the gravest crisis in our nation's history.

Tonight our fairy-tale princess

is at the mercy of the enemy

She whose beauty

charm and vivacious good humour

endeared her to millions the world over

she who

with selfless disregard for her own safety

joined our gallant forces

to fight for freedom against a foreign foe

has been cruelly and savagely prised

from our bosom

The time has come to act.

In a situation such as we face today,

a prime minister has to be resolute.

But you can't be resolute

without showing you're strong,

and you can't show you're strong

without blowing people up.

General Mosquera

has threatened to carry out his execution

at 5am, our time, on Sunday.

I shall now respond

with an ultimatum of my own.

Unless Her Royal Highness Princess Wendy

is returned to us,

alive and unharmed, by that time,

I will have no choice

but to authorise the use of nuclear weapons

on the capital city of Maguadora.

It may sound harsh,

but I'm sure you'll understand.

There is no alternative.

We are in a terrible crisis.

The British imperialists...

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