Whoops Apocalypse Page #6

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are preparing a nuclear

strike on our capital.

Vot, vot. Poskoreye.

Yeshche raz poprobuyem. Bystro! Bystro!

Teper'.

Krutitye-to.

Yeshche raz.

Yeshche raz. Kruchaytye sto raz!

He has taken the news very badly.

Madam President, there are rumours

circulating around Washington this morning

that General Mosquera

has just made a military

pact with the Soviets,

and that Russia would now back Mosquera

against the UK

in any nuclear exchange.

Oh, well! I don't know where you heard that.

- From the Chief of the Defence Staff.

- Yes, that is correct. Yes.

And all because one man, this Lacrobat,

not only foiled your attempts

to avoid war in the first place,

but is now preparing to assassinate

a British princess in 36 hours' time,

which in turn will trigger a major nuclear disaster

down in the Caribbean.

The whole world is asking the question:

Why haven't you caught this man?

Yes, indeed...

and I'm glad to

be able to answer that question

basically because...

I seem to... er... let me...

This is the Network News, Washington.

I'm Dan Hickey. Good evening.

Opinion polls in Britain show the population

overwhelmingly behind their government's threat

to launch a nuclear attack on Maguador City,

unless their favourite Royal, Princess Wendy,

is returned alive and well by midnight, Saturday.

Opposition leader Mr Gerald Whibley did briefly

question the Prime Minister on the decision

in the House of Commons this afternoon,

and was immediately denounced as a witch.

Detectives acting on Sir Mortimer's instructions

searched Mr Whibley's house in North London,

and found a series of broomsticks

and a tall, pointed hat.

President Adams has dismissed suggestions

that the Soviet Union

might launch a retaliatory strike,

since the Russians have no capacity

for tactical nuclear exchange in the Caribbean.

And now the rest of the news.

The body of an American journalist

who sailed with the task force to Santa Maya

was today found

floating in the sea off Louisiana.

How he got there

and the circurmstances of his death

remain a mystery

Come on.

Hey! Careful what you're doing

The more I thought about it

the more a strange theory

began to form in my mind

There was no doubt about it

This obscure little island was no tourist haven

It was being used

as a Soviet nuclear missile base

right here on America's doorstep

Sorry to call you down at this hour, madam,

but this represents a major escalation

of the crisis.

A Soviet theatre capability

in the Caribbean.

This could blow the whole thing wide open.

Did you contact Marv?

- He said he'd be right down

- Hey, I just heard.

We'll have to lay this on the line for Chris now.

We only have 25 hours.

Bill, have them saddle up Air Force One.

I'm flying out to London tonight.

I would like an early call at 6:30, please.

I have to be at the airport.

Also, I would like croissants and confiture,

and dark-roasted coffee

Put the luggage in my room, please.

Holy sh*t. What is that thing?

Some kind of gorilla you've got?

Get that out of here!

Uncultured scum. This beast is a fine...

Quiet, Princess!

Let go of me, you fool!

Now look what you've done. You've upset her.

Listen.

Once I've given her her Valium suppository...

- Uh?

... she will be no trouble at all, I assure you.

Listen.

You ain't bringing no monkey into this hotel.

I see. And suppose I ask you to...

reconsider, huh?

Hmm...

Send the riot squad! Kong just escaped!

London time is 6:30am,

and we'll be landing in Heathrow Airport

in about 40 minutes from now.

What is it?

I don't know how you can do it.

Sorry, sir?

I don't know how you can sleep when we're

only 24 hours away from a nuclear war.

Sorry, sir.

Christ Almighty. What are we doing?

Just obeying orders, sir.

Hello. How are you? Very nice to see you.

Look this way.

- Good trip over? Thank you. Thank you.

Er... yes, yes.

The Soviet Ambassador

has made it quite clear

that no way will his government tolerate

the first use of nuclear weapons.

The second you release that Trident

on Maguador City tomorrow morning,

they'll let loose with

everything they've got!

They have enough firepower on that island

to blow your entire fleet to hell and back,

and then we'll be into

a superpower face-off!

So, surely you can see that nobody's life,

not even that of a member of the Royal Family,

is worth a global holocaust.

Well, I'm sorry you feel about it that way,

Barbara.

I never took you for a pinko.

Obviously I was mistaken

You see, we in this Conservative Government

have always believed

that it's totally immoral to waste billions of

pounds on nuclear bombs that are never used.

Erm... but...

where is the sanity in vaporising

millions of totally innocent people?

Well, it shut Japan up, didn't it?

Khorosho, tovarishchi. Khorosho.

It is all a game of bluff, General.

Nothing more.

And we hold all the cards.

It is vital that we stand our ground now.

You're right.

Nuclear war is unthinkable.

Once it has started... no-one can win.

I know what you're going to say, Barbara.

Nuclear war is unthinkable,

because, once it's started, no-one can win.

Well, you're wrong.

You see, I've already taken

all the precautions necessary

to protect my people against nuclear attack.

Precautions?

Naturally, I've had to keep this all

very hush-hush, as you'll understand.

I think I can say that British technology

has come up with a real winner.

How about that?

This provides complete protection

against thermo-nuclear explosions

up to 20 megatons.

And it's cheap - a pound. We've given

the contract to a firm in Milton Keynes,

and they're churning them out by the truckload

even as I speak.

There you have it.

Er... but, surely...

...it's just an umbrella?

No it's all wrong

We're combing Central America for him.

That's not the way he operates.

He gets a real kick out of taunting us.

We've got to think the way he thinks.

Now, if you were Lacrobat,

and you'd kidnapped a British princess,

where would you hide her?

So lifelike! You could almost

believe it was her.

How could anyone

want to harm such a darling creature?

I hope they burn in hell.

Come along, ladies.

We close in ten minutes.

With just eight hours to go before Britain carries

out a nuclear strike on the capital of Maguadora

thousands of panicking citizens

are attempting to flee the city

Meanwhile the Prime Minister took time off

today to visit the London Wax Museum

where his new waxworks image was unveiled

- Madam, we've just...

- The wax museum.

Air Force One is standing by, madam,

to return to Washington.

The way the situation is, we've got

to get you back to the nuclear shelter.

Sure.

Wax museum? No. Dumb idea.

This is Trident.

Preparing to release in... 57 minutes.

All officers and men will remain below decks

until the effects of the airburst have subsided

We repeat this is not an exercise

All primed and correct, sir.

We're ready to go in 57 minutes from now.

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