Whoops Apocalypse Page #7

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They could still find her, sir,

with a bit of luck.

Luck?

What the world needs now is a miracle.

He was shot with a 357 Magnum ma'am

like the guard Lacrobat killed in Santa Maya

That has to be it. It has to be.

All right, my sons!

All right, my lads. Now, we know Lacrobat's

in this building, and he's got the Princess.

Dennis, the grappling irons.

Desmond, the heavy-duty grenades.

Duncan, the land mines.

Desmond, put your f***ing tiara on straight.

Right. Once you get inside...

- Can I bring the tiger?

- No, you can't bring the f***ing tiger!

It's more trouble than it's worth.

You leave it in the van.

Right. All those in camouflage,

take up positions inconspicuously

all over the building.

If you see anything suspicious,

contact me by radio.

Go!

Everybody else,

come with me to the Royal Gallery,

where we believe Princess Wendy

has been placed in a comatose condition.

OK. Now, then...

- Are there any questions?

- Where do babies come from?

Community policing!

Desmond, check for unexploded bombs.

Donald, make those f***ing pictures safe!

Vandalise the doors to the lavatory.

Good, good, good.

All right, my boys...

All right, my boys.

Dennis, the bag.

Right.

- I want everybody...

- Please, sarge, my foot's stuck.

Oh, Christ! Who's got the saw?

- Here, sarge.

- All right. Off you go.

Right.

We've made it into the foyer...

Please, sarge. How do we get tickets?

What did you say, Douglas?

How do we get tickets?

What the f*** are you talking about?

"How do we get tickets?"

We're the f***ing SAS!

Use your Sten gun and break into the kiosk,

for f***'s sake!

Go!

Fire!

You're a bastard! You're a bastard!

Right. Stop!

Douglas, go!

All right my lads Here we go

Thanks, Doug.

Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go, go, go, go!

Good. Very nice.

All right, my lads. If we're all ready...

Donald, you stupid f***ing prick!

I meant saw the door off.

- Christ Almighty. What a wanker!

- Sorry, sarge.

Right, my lads.

Now, the three main things to remember here

are vigilance, caution and accuracy.

What are vigilance, caution and accuracy

the three main?

Things to remember.

Right, my lads.

- You all got tickets?

- Yeah!

Right, then. Into the lift.

F***! Dinsdale...

Open the f***ing doors!

They're jammed on the inside sarge

He says they're jammed on the inside.

All right, my lads!

You bastards!

You callous, brutal bastards!

He was the best man at my wedding.

He's dead now, sarge.

I know he's dead now, Douglas!

I can spot a f***ing stiff

when it falls out of a lift.

Christ Al-f***ing-mighty!

Right. Let's go.

Go! Go! Go! Go in the lift.

Go! Go!

All right. The ram.

Go!

Push! Push them in the lift! Push them all.

Push them in the f***ing lift!

Keep pushing, Douglas.

Push. Push them in...

Do what I'm telling you.

Khorosho. Khorosho.

Er... pozvoni.

Poprositye k telefonu, pozhaluysta,

nachal'nika Tinkerbell's Floral Wonderland.

Go Get Princess Wendy

There she is.

Got her, sarge.

The fate of the world is at stake.

Use subtlety and discretion wherever possible.

Think it through my boys All right my sons

Uh?

Uh?

Oh.

So that's theirs

That's George VI

That's

That's Archduke Ferdinand.

That's Desmond. That's ours.

And that's Haile Selassie.

No, that's Denzil, sarge.

Oh, yeah, so it is. He's had his hair cut!

Right.

How many does that make?

We lost 11 men...

but the dummies lost 28!

And what about Lacrobat?

- Erm...

- I didn't see him.

I don't think he was here, was he, lads?

Didn't see him nowhere, sarge.

Me too.

He must have been somewhere else.

You f***ing bunch of d*ckheads!

Y^ou mean to say

we lost 11 men,

fighting a group of waxworks?

I don't f***ing believe it!

Anyway, the main thing is, we got her out safely,

before he had a chance to...

What in the name of f*** is that?

It's a wax dummy.

Yes, I can see that, Dominic.

I didn't think it was a seven-foot-long bogey.

Oh, Denzil's had his hair cut.

Yes...

'Ere sarge

I'm picking up something

on the bomb detector.

Yeshche pyat' minut.

Otpishitye kod.

I nachnitye schet.

Don't move anybody

Everybody absolutely still

Get the bomb-disposal guys.

Right. We have got... nine minutes!

Right. Donald and Darryl,

get her outside to the van. Quick.

Douglas, stick their heads in a sack

and get them posted back to their widows.

And get the addresses right this time.

And somebody get all this mess cleared up.

I think she's OK, Darryl.

I think she's coming round now. Darryl?

What the f*** are you...?

Aaaargh!

Aaaargh!

Donald, if I've told you about that f***ing thing

once, I've told you a thousand f***ing times!

All finished, sarge...

There we go. One for you. One for you.

And what about you, little girl?

Would you like one of these

to keep off that nasty old mushroom cloud?

Yes, of course you would.

You promise to vote Conservative

when you grow up?

- Yes.

- Good little girl.

Now, then. Let's see.

How did you vote last time?

Liberal Party. Oh, dear. What a shame.

Never mind. Never mind. Never mind.

Ah. These look like a nice

Conservative family.

Good morning to you all.

Just take one of those.

What you do is stick it up, sit underneath,

and then you'll be as right as ninepence.

All right?

Now, some more over here, aren't there?

Yes, this is very jolly, isn't it?

Hello. Good morning.

Got your umbrellas for you.

Very simple to use.

Just stick it up in the air, and...

Aren't these lovely little things?

So simple, yet so effective.

Well, where in hell is he?

I don't care. Put me through!

Understood. Aye-aye, sir.

Hello?

She's safe, Prime Minister!

They found her just a few minutes ago.

She's alive and safe.

You can call off the nuclear attack.

What? I'm sorry.

Sir Mortimer...

Did you hear me?

It's no good. I...

I can't... I can't hear a thing.

- Hello?

- Yes, I'll have to hang up.

Switch me through to the Commander

of the task force in Santa Maya.

Christ Almighty!

Hold everything!

Do you hear me?

This is President Adams

speaking from Air Force One.

We have found Princess Wendy.

Do not fire the missile. Do you hear me?

The crisis is over.

Sir, what do we do?

What do I tell them, sir?

Sir, what do I tell them?

Sir?

Fire!

Just when you thought you were having fun

Just when your song got to number one

Just when your girl said, "You're my man"

And you said, "Wow!

I'm having a great time"

Hold me tight - time is precious

Love and success are both infectious

For crying out loud, did something hit us?

I think they're out to get us

Whoops apocalypse

Whoops apocalypse

Whoops apocalypse

The light's still on and

the fire's still burning

The paint's still wet and

you're still waiting

Guess the times are really changing

And you say, "What on earth is happening?"

I forgot the umbrella

That kept me warm and gave me shelter

So why don't I feel much better?

This dream becomes a nightmare

Whoops apocalypse

Now the flame is hypnotic

The beat becomes metronomic

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